anti-social commentaries version 2.1
Monday, April 26, 2004
Whoever The Fuck You Are!!!
Yea, whoever made those messages ealier, consider yourself or selves out of my life. If I fucking know you, please leave your name and number because though I haven't exactly had the chance to read whatever you wrote, believe me I haven't felt this beyond pissed off in a long time.
For you, or for anyone to say anything about this person and her family... I cannot even explain. I can only say I'm sorry, but that does not even come close to making it okay.
Yea, whoever made those messages ealier, consider yourself or selves out of my life. If I fucking know you, please leave your name and number because though I haven't exactly had the chance to read whatever you wrote, believe me I haven't felt this beyond pissed off in a long time.
For you, or for anyone to say anything about this person and her family... I cannot even explain. I can only say I'm sorry, but that does not even come close to making it okay.
Whoever The Fuck You Are!!!
Yea, whoever made those messages ealier, consider yourself or selves out of my life. If I fucking know you, please leave your name and number because though I haven't exactly had the chance to read whatever you wrote, believe me I haven't felt this beyond pissed off in a long time.
For you, or for anyone to say anything about this person and her family... I cannot even explain. I can only say I'm sorry, but that does not even come close to making it okay.
Yea, whoever made those messages ealier, consider yourself or selves out of my life. If I fucking know you, please leave your name and number because though I haven't exactly had the chance to read whatever you wrote, believe me I haven't felt this beyond pissed off in a long time.
For you, or for anyone to say anything about this person and her family... I cannot even explain. I can only say I'm sorry, but that does not even come close to making it okay.
Friday, March 19, 2004
If Anyone Still Stops By...
I just thought I would share that I'm not dead. I'm not going back to blogging anytime soon, but I thought drop by fill that empty whole in your lives that this site once filled.
I just thought I would share that I'm not dead. I'm not going back to blogging anytime soon, but I thought drop by fill that empty whole in your lives that this site once filled.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
It Must Be Wrong
This will be my last entry on this site.
I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm abadoning the realm of Anti-Social Commentaries... again. I feel like a point in my life, the point of my life that I was wanting to reflect with these journals, has passed... and then some. I know I'll probably go back to "Anti-Social Commentaries" banner one day, but sticking with it right now doesn't seem right , right now.
I feel like I should end this with something long and winded and thoughtful as most of my enteries are, but I'm empty and out of thought. There's nothing left to say or think or emote... For the last few weeks I've been looking for something to say, something to write about, something to feel, but I've run out. I'll leave you with the words of an Ozma song that I've been driving around to a lot lately entitled "Natlie Portman":
"There's nothing, nothing, nothing I can do..."
I'm sorry this isn't ending with something optimistic or inspirational as the other had, but it's not in me at this moment of time. To sum this journal up, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... Maybe I can make this long and winded.
Tegan and Sara's version of Prince's "When You Were Mine" just popped up. It's a song I've loved and been tortured by since I saw them last October (and then again in November). I've mentioned the song a few updates back, (Nov 12), and it still rings pretty clear today. Everything in my life is pretty much filled with love and torture. The songs I love the most, the movies, the TV shows... can you believe I've never been able to watch Maternity Ward since then. I drive by the Tim Horton's that's now covered in snow and I smile and tear up a bit. Even Lauren's pink walls remind me of St. Elmo's Fire. I guess my life is filled with love and torture. The contrast of beauty. It's kind of like wrestling. The amount of skill it takes to put on a good wrestling match, but you still know that the wrestlers get realy banged up.
I think that's what it comes down to... I usually feel tortured when I write on this damn thing. It all comes off one sided and one-dimensional. It's all whiney and sad... there's more to me than that. Sure, I think a good part of me is sad, but there are other parts... I really have to find them again, I guess.
The archives will be up on a geocities site - here. If I ever end up writing somewhere else, and you'd like to know where e-mail me at anti_social_commentaries@yahoo.com
I'll leave you with my high school grad comment: Good-bye, good luck, good riddance... a dreamer.
This will be my last entry on this site.
I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm abadoning the realm of Anti-Social Commentaries... again. I feel like a point in my life, the point of my life that I was wanting to reflect with these journals, has passed... and then some. I know I'll probably go back to "Anti-Social Commentaries" banner one day, but sticking with it right now doesn't seem right , right now.
I feel like I should end this with something long and winded and thoughtful as most of my enteries are, but I'm empty and out of thought. There's nothing left to say or think or emote... For the last few weeks I've been looking for something to say, something to write about, something to feel, but I've run out. I'll leave you with the words of an Ozma song that I've been driving around to a lot lately entitled "Natlie Portman":
"There's nothing, nothing, nothing I can do..."
I'm sorry this isn't ending with something optimistic or inspirational as the other had, but it's not in me at this moment of time. To sum this journal up, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... Maybe I can make this long and winded.
Tegan and Sara's version of Prince's "When You Were Mine" just popped up. It's a song I've loved and been tortured by since I saw them last October (and then again in November). I've mentioned the song a few updates back, (Nov 12), and it still rings pretty clear today. Everything in my life is pretty much filled with love and torture. The songs I love the most, the movies, the TV shows... can you believe I've never been able to watch Maternity Ward since then. I drive by the Tim Horton's that's now covered in snow and I smile and tear up a bit. Even Lauren's pink walls remind me of St. Elmo's Fire. I guess my life is filled with love and torture. The contrast of beauty. It's kind of like wrestling. The amount of skill it takes to put on a good wrestling match, but you still know that the wrestlers get realy banged up.
I think that's what it comes down to... I usually feel tortured when I write on this damn thing. It all comes off one sided and one-dimensional. It's all whiney and sad... there's more to me than that. Sure, I think a good part of me is sad, but there are other parts... I really have to find them again, I guess.
The archives will be up on a geocities site - here. If I ever end up writing somewhere else, and you'd like to know where e-mail me at anti_social_commentaries@yahoo.com
I'll leave you with my high school grad comment: Good-bye, good luck, good riddance... a dreamer.
Friday, January 09, 2004
She's Not A Flower
Highlight of my year thus far came in the mail today.
I probably stated this last year, but I'm looking forward to this year... at least musically. At the end of last year Blink put out a pretty brilliant record. I went at great lengths just to listen to it. It has that damn CD-protection on it so it won't play on my computer, and since I'm probably the only person in the world to not have a CD player, so I took my DVD player, hook it up to my tape player, used an adapter to hook that up to my crappy computer speakers and voila "I Miss You" rules.
Next week, the Mr T Experience releases their first album since "Alcatraz" in 1999. I'm probably most excited about this album more than anything else coming out this year. Excited and scared... scared that it will suck, but excited that I might have some new music to listen to. The band's going on tour next month and of course they're not coming to Toronto. Bastards.
Also coming out this year, new albums by Weezer, Green Day, and Matt Sharp. I'm quite sure Matt's album will be amazing considering a cover of Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" will be on the album with Maya Rudolph singing on it. Green Day will, as always, put something out worth listening to. As for Weezer, I might give up on the band if this one isn't good. It's pretty sad how little I've listen to Maladroit... Rick Ruben?
Anyways... music is good. At least it will be when my plans of assisinating Britney Spearks husband come into light... what? They got divorced? I thought that were going to last.
Highlight of my year thus far came in the mail today.
I probably stated this last year, but I'm looking forward to this year... at least musically. At the end of last year Blink put out a pretty brilliant record. I went at great lengths just to listen to it. It has that damn CD-protection on it so it won't play on my computer, and since I'm probably the only person in the world to not have a CD player, so I took my DVD player, hook it up to my tape player, used an adapter to hook that up to my crappy computer speakers and voila "I Miss You" rules.
Next week, the Mr T Experience releases their first album since "Alcatraz" in 1999. I'm probably most excited about this album more than anything else coming out this year. Excited and scared... scared that it will suck, but excited that I might have some new music to listen to. The band's going on tour next month and of course they're not coming to Toronto. Bastards.
Also coming out this year, new albums by Weezer, Green Day, and Matt Sharp. I'm quite sure Matt's album will be amazing considering a cover of Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" will be on the album with Maya Rudolph singing on it. Green Day will, as always, put something out worth listening to. As for Weezer, I might give up on the band if this one isn't good. It's pretty sad how little I've listen to Maladroit... Rick Ruben?
Anyways... music is good. At least it will be when my plans of assisinating Britney Spearks husband come into light... what? They got divorced? I thought that were going to last.
Every Morning
I'm starting to feel less and less confident with everything I do. I'm oddly feeling more energetic every morning. I wake up with the actual energy. I still don't want to get up much for I like the warmth of three or four comforters, but I actually have energy when I wake up. The sad thing is, I have all this energy and nowhere to put it (although I have been exercising a bit).
I've really had it with my computer. It blows up, I get booted, it has more viruses than Christina Agueliera... Why can't my brother just get his to work instead of fucking with mine. I haven't formated and cleaned it up in so long. When I got it back last month I had to reinstall window (good thing it didn't format). I'll make that my goal this weekend - fix computer. Of course I'm working 18 hours, but I'm sure I'll find some time.
For some reason I've been wanting to listen to Prince lately. I don't know why. Let's Go Crazy is a song in one of my favourite Skate Videos. When You Were Mind constantly rings in my head. When Doves Cry is just so amazing. I think I'll rent Purple Rain.
Finally, I gotta get out of my house. It's either that of 1) Kill Jecho. 2) Kill myself. Or 3) Kill Jecho.
I'm starting to feel less and less confident with everything I do. I'm oddly feeling more energetic every morning. I wake up with the actual energy. I still don't want to get up much for I like the warmth of three or four comforters, but I actually have energy when I wake up. The sad thing is, I have all this energy and nowhere to put it (although I have been exercising a bit).
I've really had it with my computer. It blows up, I get booted, it has more viruses than Christina Agueliera... Why can't my brother just get his to work instead of fucking with mine. I haven't formated and cleaned it up in so long. When I got it back last month I had to reinstall window (good thing it didn't format). I'll make that my goal this weekend - fix computer. Of course I'm working 18 hours, but I'm sure I'll find some time.
For some reason I've been wanting to listen to Prince lately. I don't know why. Let's Go Crazy is a song in one of my favourite Skate Videos. When You Were Mind constantly rings in my head. When Doves Cry is just so amazing. I think I'll rent Purple Rain.
Finally, I gotta get out of my house. It's either that of 1) Kill Jecho. 2) Kill myself. Or 3) Kill Jecho.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Memory
You know what's a great song? Memory from Cats. The whole play is actually just about Cats... I always thought it was just a stupid joke, but really there's no real topsy tirvy story to the play other than it's a bunch of cats. Art is so stupid.
You know what's a great song? Memory from Cats. The whole play is actually just about Cats... I always thought it was just a stupid joke, but really there's no real topsy tirvy story to the play other than it's a bunch of cats. Art is so stupid.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
Fat Lip
I woke up this morning with a fat lip. Woke up? Woke up implies the idea of getting a night of sleep. I have not had one of those for quite awhile. I think I slept for like a half hour last night (this morning?). I'm really not feeling up to the task of having to sleep. I've been so... I don't know... aloof over the week, but I think I have just cause for those who know why... and if you don't know then too bad.
I spent a lot of time with children over the holidays. My cousin's baby the greatest girl on earth... damn girl. Jazz-mine - I know have a real picture of her opposed to the couple of hundred that I have on my computer. Also, there's this little girl, my cousin's cousin, such an adorable little bubbly thing.
Holidays... well, how were they? It was okay. Oddly, I spent quite a bit of money on people and also put a lot of thought into presents and a lot of people either got me nothing or something horrible. For those that don't know, my parents never get me presents - birthdays, Christmas, graduation - but lo and behold they got me something and they didn't disappoint. It would have disappointed me if they didn't disappoint me which they didn't (read that back if you must). They got me... (looks sneakily from left to right)... get this... a Bugle Boy sweater. A Bugle Boy sweater? Why on earth would someone think of giving me a Bugle Boy sweater? It is the ugliest thing on earth. It's white with black writing. Why? I told my mother flat out - "I'm never wearing this" and she said "I know".
On the good side... hmm... my cousin with the baby got me a new beanie which rules. My cousins got me Cool Runnings on DVD which is funny inside joke for it's a movie that has its moments. My brother got me two boxes of chocolate which is ridiculous for I bought them myself...
FLASHBACK - DEC 23, 2003
Brother: Did you buy Christmas presents this year?
Dreamer: Yea.
Brother: Can I give you fifty bucks and you put my name on everything.
Dreamer: Umm... no.
So I ended up just buying him a bunch of chocolate from my store and him giving them as gifts. I also got a new Buttercup doll which I just put with the rest of them. A lot of disappointment as usual. Isn't Christmas supposed to make you realize that people love and care about you? For me it just makes me realize how little anyone has a clue to who I am.
I was thinking about love earlier today. I really want to share my life with someone... maybe have kids or something. I just don't know if I can ever trust someone again. It's not that there isn't anyone trustworthy out there, it's just that I'm not willing to trust anyone.
Final thought: I have the most horrible song in my head... I don't know what it's called. It's that horrible Britanny Spears song with Madonna... get out of my head! Hey Britanny! Get out... Get in the zone... I've been watching far too much Much Music. At least it's not Fuse.
I woke up this morning with a fat lip. Woke up? Woke up implies the idea of getting a night of sleep. I have not had one of those for quite awhile. I think I slept for like a half hour last night (this morning?). I'm really not feeling up to the task of having to sleep. I've been so... I don't know... aloof over the week, but I think I have just cause for those who know why... and if you don't know then too bad.
I spent a lot of time with children over the holidays. My cousin's baby the greatest girl on earth... damn girl. Jazz-mine - I know have a real picture of her opposed to the couple of hundred that I have on my computer. Also, there's this little girl, my cousin's cousin, such an adorable little bubbly thing.
Holidays... well, how were they? It was okay. Oddly, I spent quite a bit of money on people and also put a lot of thought into presents and a lot of people either got me nothing or something horrible. For those that don't know, my parents never get me presents - birthdays, Christmas, graduation - but lo and behold they got me something and they didn't disappoint. It would have disappointed me if they didn't disappoint me which they didn't (read that back if you must). They got me... (looks sneakily from left to right)... get this... a Bugle Boy sweater. A Bugle Boy sweater? Why on earth would someone think of giving me a Bugle Boy sweater? It is the ugliest thing on earth. It's white with black writing. Why? I told my mother flat out - "I'm never wearing this" and she said "I know".
On the good side... hmm... my cousin with the baby got me a new beanie which rules. My cousins got me Cool Runnings on DVD which is funny inside joke for it's a movie that has its moments. My brother got me two boxes of chocolate which is ridiculous for I bought them myself...
FLASHBACK - DEC 23, 2003
Brother: Did you buy Christmas presents this year?
Dreamer: Yea.
Brother: Can I give you fifty bucks and you put my name on everything.
Dreamer: Umm... no.
So I ended up just buying him a bunch of chocolate from my store and him giving them as gifts. I also got a new Buttercup doll which I just put with the rest of them. A lot of disappointment as usual. Isn't Christmas supposed to make you realize that people love and care about you? For me it just makes me realize how little anyone has a clue to who I am.
I was thinking about love earlier today. I really want to share my life with someone... maybe have kids or something. I just don't know if I can ever trust someone again. It's not that there isn't anyone trustworthy out there, it's just that I'm not willing to trust anyone.
Final thought: I have the most horrible song in my head... I don't know what it's called. It's that horrible Britanny Spears song with Madonna... get out of my head! Hey Britanny! Get out... Get in the zone... I've been watching far too much Much Music. At least it's not Fuse.
Only Time
Yes, just like the Enya song that raped our ears like a Catholic priest with a 12 year-old alter boy.
I've always heard that time heals all wounds, but I don't know if that really makes sense. Suppose you're being tortured and your torturers (sp?) first cut you over your chest, and leave you dangling from a chain so that you cannot move. They leave you for the day. The next day, instead of making a new cut they decided to just spread the cut from the day before. Supposed this happened for the rest of your life. Everyday they would torture you by making the cut slightly bigger by the day. In this case I guess time would not heal this wound, it would only make it bigger and more painful.
The insight into my life on that analogy is so simple.
What could help this tortured soul? He/she could either break out or wait to be rescued. It kind of reminds me of the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Great, I'm the gimp that gets raped everyday.
Anyways, I saw a movie yesterday that I've seen a poster of it hanging in a friend's apartment for quite a long time - Waking Life. I was impressed. I wasn't a big fan of the animation much, it was so Rotoscoped/ Betty Boop. It just didn't look right in some areas and I think it could have been a lot more visual, but it was great to Jesse and Celine which should hold me over until the sequel is made.
Last thing: Watch "Big Fish" if you get the chance. I'm actually thinking of watching it again.
Yes, just like the Enya song that raped our ears like a Catholic priest with a 12 year-old alter boy.
I've always heard that time heals all wounds, but I don't know if that really makes sense. Suppose you're being tortured and your torturers (sp?) first cut you over your chest, and leave you dangling from a chain so that you cannot move. They leave you for the day. The next day, instead of making a new cut they decided to just spread the cut from the day before. Supposed this happened for the rest of your life. Everyday they would torture you by making the cut slightly bigger by the day. In this case I guess time would not heal this wound, it would only make it bigger and more painful.
The insight into my life on that analogy is so simple.
What could help this tortured soul? He/she could either break out or wait to be rescued. It kind of reminds me of the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Great, I'm the gimp that gets raped everyday.
Anyways, I saw a movie yesterday that I've seen a poster of it hanging in a friend's apartment for quite a long time - Waking Life. I was impressed. I wasn't a big fan of the animation much, it was so Rotoscoped/ Betty Boop. It just didn't look right in some areas and I think it could have been a lot more visual, but it was great to Jesse and Celine which should hold me over until the sequel is made.
Last thing: Watch "Big Fish" if you get the chance. I'm actually thinking of watching it again.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Wouldn't It Be Good If We Could Be Together?
So it's a new year. New Year's always makes me look back at the year that's just past. I'm thinking about 2003 and haven't made any decisions. I'm on the fence wondering if it was the best year of my life or the worst. It's so close. I don't know.
I spent my break alone for the most part. There's been something on my mind for awhile. I've been wanting to tell someone something but I haven't been able to get a hold of her... plus I've been a little nervous to say it. It's nothing bad. It's quite good actually... not sappy or lovey dovey or anything. Anyways...
2003... It was the year where I was happy for a time. For a short time things made sense, but once things stopped making sense then the confusion seemed to double, triple, and cause this depression I've fallen into. I don't know if it's depression, but I'm definitely of sane mind. I got in a car accident the other day because this distant mind of mind. I was just driving and I didn't notice the light was red so broke really hard... I got rear-ended (insert gay joke [so a guy rear ended me]). It was nothing big. It was just a ding, but nothing bad. We're not even filing it with the insurance. But it just got me thinking about stuff... I could have died if someone dumber and more Asian of a driver was the one behind me. Say a mack truck hit me. You never know...
I've been really quiet lately... as you can see by my lack of enteries. I just don't have anything to say. I've realized that everything in my life is unimportant... granted, relationships are important - friends and the others in your life that you actually like - but it feels like my life is insignificant. I know, we aren't all meant to be kings among men like a John Lennon or JFK or something, but I never really asked for that. I never really wanted anything like that. I guess the fact is that I really don't know what I want. I think I've always been a complex individual with different thoughts, views, and opinions than the average person... you probably wouldn't be reading this if you thought otherwise.
All I know is that I'm unhappy with my life. Nothing seems right. I dream about a girl that's a million miles away. True, I love her a lot, but I missed my chance. I live with these people who I hate and wish death upon. True, I don't have any money, but living in the gutter is probably better than this place. I'm thinking of leaving it all behind... in fact, I thought of blowing my brains out, but that was a little haste. I have to leave. I should have left a long time ago. Perhaps we might be together if I had.
A year ago I was looking forward to the rest of my life, but now I'm scared. I don't know how much more of the rest of my life I can take. I live my life everyday and think of the happiest I ever was which was just about a year ago. I relive the moment often. It was honestly a fraction of time, maybe two seconds or so. I live my life hoping to feel that good again, but I also live my life knowing that I probably won't.
This is the saddest entry ever, isn't it? The thing is, I want to get better. I'm starting to think of things and ways to get out of here. I might not end up with the girl, but that's okay. Maybe I wasn't supposed to end up with the girl. Maybe I'm destined for something else. The girl is apart of my life whom I feel sorry. I feel like I let her down which probably dissappoints me even more. I figured things out too late and it took me far too long. I'm happy to know you feel better with your life now because the friend in me smiles at that... But my broken heart just can't seem to heal. God knows I want to get better, but when you have the girl of your dreams in your arms, you never want to let go of that.
Destined for something else? I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in things being meant to be. But there are things that happen that just feel right... fuck fate and the all knowing being some call God. I think I have to just do what feels right.
To the girl - I'm on my laptop. The bridge has been resurected. I checked my mail and it was empty... I'm sure you must have sent me something. Battards at Yahoo erased all of my old e-mails again. E-mail me when you get the chance.
To everyone - I'm sorry for how I've been. It's not my fault, but I've felt so down for a very long time. I can't remember the last time that I honestly felt good about anything... I don't know when or if I'll get better, so please don't mind my uncomfortable silences. Dragging me places is fine... it's great really. It's not you, it's me.
So... 2003? Hmm... I'm going to have to go with best year of my life. The bullshit that flowed throughout the year was nothing in comparisson to the happiness at the beginning. I know at the end of 2004 I'll depressed again so... I don't know... anyways... what the hell am I trying to say? Let's just say "Hey".
So it's a new year. New Year's always makes me look back at the year that's just past. I'm thinking about 2003 and haven't made any decisions. I'm on the fence wondering if it was the best year of my life or the worst. It's so close. I don't know.
I spent my break alone for the most part. There's been something on my mind for awhile. I've been wanting to tell someone something but I haven't been able to get a hold of her... plus I've been a little nervous to say it. It's nothing bad. It's quite good actually... not sappy or lovey dovey or anything. Anyways...
2003... It was the year where I was happy for a time. For a short time things made sense, but once things stopped making sense then the confusion seemed to double, triple, and cause this depression I've fallen into. I don't know if it's depression, but I'm definitely of sane mind. I got in a car accident the other day because this distant mind of mind. I was just driving and I didn't notice the light was red so broke really hard... I got rear-ended (insert gay joke [so a guy rear ended me]). It was nothing big. It was just a ding, but nothing bad. We're not even filing it with the insurance. But it just got me thinking about stuff... I could have died if someone dumber and more Asian of a driver was the one behind me. Say a mack truck hit me. You never know...
I've been really quiet lately... as you can see by my lack of enteries. I just don't have anything to say. I've realized that everything in my life is unimportant... granted, relationships are important - friends and the others in your life that you actually like - but it feels like my life is insignificant. I know, we aren't all meant to be kings among men like a John Lennon or JFK or something, but I never really asked for that. I never really wanted anything like that. I guess the fact is that I really don't know what I want. I think I've always been a complex individual with different thoughts, views, and opinions than the average person... you probably wouldn't be reading this if you thought otherwise.
All I know is that I'm unhappy with my life. Nothing seems right. I dream about a girl that's a million miles away. True, I love her a lot, but I missed my chance. I live with these people who I hate and wish death upon. True, I don't have any money, but living in the gutter is probably better than this place. I'm thinking of leaving it all behind... in fact, I thought of blowing my brains out, but that was a little haste. I have to leave. I should have left a long time ago. Perhaps we might be together if I had.
A year ago I was looking forward to the rest of my life, but now I'm scared. I don't know how much more of the rest of my life I can take. I live my life everyday and think of the happiest I ever was which was just about a year ago. I relive the moment often. It was honestly a fraction of time, maybe two seconds or so. I live my life hoping to feel that good again, but I also live my life knowing that I probably won't.
This is the saddest entry ever, isn't it? The thing is, I want to get better. I'm starting to think of things and ways to get out of here. I might not end up with the girl, but that's okay. Maybe I wasn't supposed to end up with the girl. Maybe I'm destined for something else. The girl is apart of my life whom I feel sorry. I feel like I let her down which probably dissappoints me even more. I figured things out too late and it took me far too long. I'm happy to know you feel better with your life now because the friend in me smiles at that... But my broken heart just can't seem to heal. God knows I want to get better, but when you have the girl of your dreams in your arms, you never want to let go of that.
Destined for something else? I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in things being meant to be. But there are things that happen that just feel right... fuck fate and the all knowing being some call God. I think I have to just do what feels right.
To the girl - I'm on my laptop. The bridge has been resurected. I checked my mail and it was empty... I'm sure you must have sent me something. Battards at Yahoo erased all of my old e-mails again. E-mail me when you get the chance.
To everyone - I'm sorry for how I've been. It's not my fault, but I've felt so down for a very long time. I can't remember the last time that I honestly felt good about anything... I don't know when or if I'll get better, so please don't mind my uncomfortable silences. Dragging me places is fine... it's great really. It's not you, it's me.
So... 2003? Hmm... I'm going to have to go with best year of my life. The bullshit that flowed throughout the year was nothing in comparisson to the happiness at the beginning. I know at the end of 2004 I'll depressed again so... I don't know... anyways... what the hell am I trying to say? Let's just say "Hey".
Friday, December 19, 2003
A Decision
I've decided to close the site. I don't know if I feel like blogging anymore. I'll write more later.
I've decided to close the site. I don't know if I feel like blogging anymore. I'll write more later.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Just Dropping By
Just dropping a line to say I'm fine. I feel a lot better lately. I don't feel like getting back into blogger mode yet for 1) laptop is on fire, and 2) not much to say. But I feel better a bit. I think I'm kind of getting over the girl and sort of finding that balance between being in love with her and just simply loving her. Of course I'm still in love with her though... who isn't?... but I'm sort of almost getting close to a place where things can be okay.
I played a concert awhile ago. There was a girl there that had the slighest resemblance to said girl. Usually, if I think a girl is pretty I usually can fake some random line, maybe even smile or something, but that girl I saw, I couldn't even look at her. It was weird... but on stage it was different. Here's what happened.
Boy on stage doing sound check after just playing "Welcome To Paradise"
Sound Guy: Can you just keep talking in the mic?
Dreamer: What do you want me to say?
Sound Guy: Just say anything.
Dreamer: Well... umm... yea... hey, you in the front row.
Dreamer points at girl.
Dreamer: You bare the slightest resemblence to my ex-girlfriend... you know, if I try hard enough I can picture you naked.
End scene.
The concert was actually really good. People said we were really good, espeically considering the fact that everyone thought that we would suck - "Asian Guys playing Rock music?" - yes, we were like three James Ihas... Damn him and his aura.
I'm done most of my Christmas shopping. Just missing a few people.
Have a Krazy Kwanza.
Just dropping a line to say I'm fine. I feel a lot better lately. I don't feel like getting back into blogger mode yet for 1) laptop is on fire, and 2) not much to say. But I feel better a bit. I think I'm kind of getting over the girl and sort of finding that balance between being in love with her and just simply loving her. Of course I'm still in love with her though... who isn't?... but I'm sort of almost getting close to a place where things can be okay.
I played a concert awhile ago. There was a girl there that had the slighest resemblance to said girl. Usually, if I think a girl is pretty I usually can fake some random line, maybe even smile or something, but that girl I saw, I couldn't even look at her. It was weird... but on stage it was different. Here's what happened.
Boy on stage doing sound check after just playing "Welcome To Paradise"
Sound Guy: Can you just keep talking in the mic?
Dreamer: What do you want me to say?
Sound Guy: Just say anything.
Dreamer: Well... umm... yea... hey, you in the front row.
Dreamer points at girl.
Dreamer: You bare the slightest resemblence to my ex-girlfriend... you know, if I try hard enough I can picture you naked.
End scene.
The concert was actually really good. People said we were really good, espeically considering the fact that everyone thought that we would suck - "Asian Guys playing Rock music?" - yes, we were like three James Ihas... Damn him and his aura.
I'm done most of my Christmas shopping. Just missing a few people.
Have a Krazy Kwanza.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
One Last Thing Before I Quit
That's a Monkey Wrench line by the way.
I thought I'd leave you with a little more and a little less than I should say. This is the last post until the new year so I'd say something about why I don't feel like posting. Here it goes:
My life is uneventful. It's filled with meaningless tasks and hobbies and past-times and escapes, but in the end it's like the inside of a seashell - it's empty. My life is empty. I'm still trying to deal with things, about my life, about the way things are, about the way I want them to be, about the way I still wish they would be. You know the story - boy meets girl, girl teases boy, boy finds something to destroy - and I don't have to get into it again. I'm just really in a search right now. I'm searching for something real or something or at least something that I can call my own. Maybe I should be a cat? Name it Tensor Green? I don't know.
But I need to rest and relax and stop thinking for awhile. Not really stop thinking, but stop pinning. All I do when I'm on this thing is talk about sadness, and I don't think that that's a fair representation. I get a little sadder when I'm online and on my computer. It makes me miss her. I get jealous of how happy she is, wishing I could go back to the day that I was the one who made her feel that way.
I've always been about dreams. I don't want to dream anymore. I want the real thing. In the summer, I guess I pushed her away. I thought about my life and my future and thought about if I could really be with her, if I could just move my life away and start a new... and after thinking about it, I realized that I should. But it was too late. I had missed my chance. It was too little too late... You told me it was a good size... I mean the effort. But when a girl tells you it's a good size, it's just a polite way of saying that it's small. Excuse my Mallrats aside.
I haven't been listening to music much lately. My computer is fried, I don't own a CD player, and my tape player doesn't have any speakers, but in my mind I hear the voices of Matt Sharp and my favourite Who'd you Rather, Mya Rudolph.
Seven More Minutes to hide away
Far from everyone
Seven More Minutes slide away
Somewhere in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(My head is in the sun)
Far from everyone
(somewhere far from everyone)
Seven More Minutes to hide away far from everyone
(Somewhere far from everyone)
Seven more minutes slide away somewhere in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
I must recoup. Maybe write a book or record my album. Maybe just do it acoustically first and spread them around to friends. So... this is good-bye until next year. For those who know me, do not be afraid to call or e-mail. I'm not going into the woods, growing a beard like Rivers, and sending letters bombs like the Unibomber... at least not yet. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hannukah, crazy Quanza, and a solemn dignified Rahmadah.
That's a Monkey Wrench line by the way.
I thought I'd leave you with a little more and a little less than I should say. This is the last post until the new year so I'd say something about why I don't feel like posting. Here it goes:
My life is uneventful. It's filled with meaningless tasks and hobbies and past-times and escapes, but in the end it's like the inside of a seashell - it's empty. My life is empty. I'm still trying to deal with things, about my life, about the way things are, about the way I want them to be, about the way I still wish they would be. You know the story - boy meets girl, girl teases boy, boy finds something to destroy - and I don't have to get into it again. I'm just really in a search right now. I'm searching for something real or something or at least something that I can call my own. Maybe I should be a cat? Name it Tensor Green? I don't know.
But I need to rest and relax and stop thinking for awhile. Not really stop thinking, but stop pinning. All I do when I'm on this thing is talk about sadness, and I don't think that that's a fair representation. I get a little sadder when I'm online and on my computer. It makes me miss her. I get jealous of how happy she is, wishing I could go back to the day that I was the one who made her feel that way.
I've always been about dreams. I don't want to dream anymore. I want the real thing. In the summer, I guess I pushed her away. I thought about my life and my future and thought about if I could really be with her, if I could just move my life away and start a new... and after thinking about it, I realized that I should. But it was too late. I had missed my chance. It was too little too late... You told me it was a good size... I mean the effort. But when a girl tells you it's a good size, it's just a polite way of saying that it's small. Excuse my Mallrats aside.
I haven't been listening to music much lately. My computer is fried, I don't own a CD player, and my tape player doesn't have any speakers, but in my mind I hear the voices of Matt Sharp and my favourite Who'd you Rather, Mya Rudolph.
Seven More Minutes to hide away
Far from everyone
Seven More Minutes slide away
Somewhere in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(My head is in the sun)
Far from everyone
(somewhere far from everyone)
Seven More Minutes to hide away far from everyone
(Somewhere far from everyone)
Seven more minutes slide away somewhere in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
I must recoup. Maybe write a book or record my album. Maybe just do it acoustically first and spread them around to friends. So... this is good-bye until next year. For those who know me, do not be afraid to call or e-mail. I'm not going into the woods, growing a beard like Rivers, and sending letters bombs like the Unibomber... at least not yet. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hannukah, crazy Quanza, and a solemn dignified Rahmadah.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Retirement?
I'm thinking of quitting the blogging game. I've been tremendously ill over the last week, my laptop has died, I haven't been to school in a week, and my bestest-friend is mad at me with due cause, and I'm probably going to fail all my classes this week. That's great, and how are you? But the blog is too much for me lately. The idea of keeping a journal of my thoughts is not something I want to do right now. I really don't like what I've been thinking as of late. No, I'm not dreaming of biting on the barrel of a gun or anything like, but I just don't feel well at all. For the last few months, my heart has been broken. Beyond broken. Broken to the point that the little pieces on the ground cannot be seen without a magnifying glass. And every time I talk about this here, it just don't feel right because it kind of paints her off, as she said, "a mean person". And she's not. I've never had a bad thing to say, but it kind of just comes off that way and that's not fair to her. But anyways... my life just feels like a blur. I can't believe I've almost finished a semester of school yet at the same time I dont' remember a thing. It's almost Decemeber 2003? What the fuck? How did that happen? A year ago I was at my happiest and now I feel so low. I'm sick both mentally and physically. I can hardly stand at the moment. Getting up in the morning, I just want to stay in bed underneath my twenty blankets and avoid the cold. I don't look forward to getting up in the morning. I don't look forward to going to work. I don't look forward to going to school. I don't really look forward to anything right now and until I feel a little better, I don't want to write here anymore.
So this is good-bye for now. I will probably be back in the new year. Damn New Years!
I'm thinking of quitting the blogging game. I've been tremendously ill over the last week, my laptop has died, I haven't been to school in a week, and my bestest-friend is mad at me with due cause, and I'm probably going to fail all my classes this week. That's great, and how are you? But the blog is too much for me lately. The idea of keeping a journal of my thoughts is not something I want to do right now. I really don't like what I've been thinking as of late. No, I'm not dreaming of biting on the barrel of a gun or anything like, but I just don't feel well at all. For the last few months, my heart has been broken. Beyond broken. Broken to the point that the little pieces on the ground cannot be seen without a magnifying glass. And every time I talk about this here, it just don't feel right because it kind of paints her off, as she said, "a mean person". And she's not. I've never had a bad thing to say, but it kind of just comes off that way and that's not fair to her. But anyways... my life just feels like a blur. I can't believe I've almost finished a semester of school yet at the same time I dont' remember a thing. It's almost Decemeber 2003? What the fuck? How did that happen? A year ago I was at my happiest and now I feel so low. I'm sick both mentally and physically. I can hardly stand at the moment. Getting up in the morning, I just want to stay in bed underneath my twenty blankets and avoid the cold. I don't look forward to getting up in the morning. I don't look forward to going to work. I don't look forward to going to school. I don't really look forward to anything right now and until I feel a little better, I don't want to write here anymore.
So this is good-bye for now. I will probably be back in the new year. Damn New Years!
Thursday, November 13, 2003
I'm Thinking
I'm thinking of changing the site... maybe a new template, a new address, maybe even new name. I don't know. What do you think?
I'm thinking of changing the site... maybe a new template, a new address, maybe even new name. I don't know. What do you think?
It's Snowing!!!
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost freezing off your ass
It's snowing today and it's violently windy. Me being so small, a gust of wind literally stopped me in my tracks. I was walking and for a second or two I was suspended in one spot. It was like I was in bullet time (a la The Matrix or Max Payne). It's not the good snow yet. It's not the type that will stay on the ground, or is it the type that looks pretty, but it's still nice to see. I remember the first snow of this year way back in January. I had someone to share it with. It was quite a happy moment... cold, but happy.
Suicide week two of this semester is almost done, leaving one more next week.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost freezing off your ass
It's snowing today and it's violently windy. Me being so small, a gust of wind literally stopped me in my tracks. I was walking and for a second or two I was suspended in one spot. It was like I was in bullet time (a la The Matrix or Max Payne). It's not the good snow yet. It's not the type that will stay on the ground, or is it the type that looks pretty, but it's still nice to see. I remember the first snow of this year way back in January. I had someone to share it with. It was quite a happy moment... cold, but happy.
Suicide week two of this semester is almost done, leaving one more next week.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Only Love
I like the words only love because depending on how you say it, the tone of voice, the situation you're in... they have different connotations. For example, you say "Only love is what I have for you," as I once stated in a song. With the statement, it's sort of like devotion. Here it reads as devotion and sweetness and niceness. But if someone were to say, "It's only love" then the words means love is something of unimportance. I don't know where I fall in anymore. I'd like more direct, but I can't. I'm in this state of denial. I'm in this state of hope. I'm in this state of dreams. I'm aloof.
We're going to take a little ride on the way back machine... In high school I was a dreamer. People, the few, the very, very few that could get into this head of mine, they liked this about me. I'm starting to realize that it was only like and nothing more. You can never love a dreamer. You look at him or her and stare and think it's cute that someone can have so much promise and hope. You root for that underdog. You want him or her to succeed. You want their dreams to come true. And when they do, it's triuph, but when they lose it, it's disaster. You look at them and feel sorry for them at first. You hope they can bounce back, but they can't. They try, but cannot. Eventually, you get sick of it. The dreamer turns to pathetic loser. The dreamer turns into a disapointed hopeful. The dreamer turns from a person you rooted for to someone that doesn't matter anymore.
Let's step into the way forward machine - there is a future out there, but the dreamer looks at the past and just sees more of the same. He or she cannot recoup. This person is broken. This person is non-existent. The person that once was is gone. He is an empty shell in an empty cell. Lifeless, and soulless, and yes, he falls way short.
A dreamer is admired, but when the dreams have passed him by, the dreams no longer exist. The ins are out. The smiles are false. The eyes are scarred.
All I want is the chance. I want the chance to succeed. Hearts break and life goes on, yes, I know. I just don't have anything to dream of. I'm out of hope. In the end, time will stand still and all will be forgotten. Lost loves, hatred, friendship... it all burns out, not fades. Anyone remember that movie Mad Love where Drew Barrymore was suicidal (and still cute)? She asks the dreadful Chris O' Donell "If you were able to know when you were going to die, would you want to know?" Me, I wouldn't because then I would surely know that I'm going to die.
I live my life with this underlying optimism in things that cannot happen. I'd like to live forever. I'd like to fly like Superman. I'd like to live my with her. The impossible is beautiful. The impossible is special. The impossible is just a dream.
I don't know what I'm saying... I'm too scattered to think. I need to rest. I need to reevaluate. I need to be. I need a hug. I need a friend. A friend? There are things inside that I can't let go of. Some I'm aware of, others I have no clue yet, and others I know are just going to end without a bang or whimper... a shrug. There are things that if I admit to, I will be even more lost. There are things that cannot be understood by my mind. There are things that I love far too much to let go of. I yearn for a day where I can let go, but hang onto just enough. Somedays it's close, others seem impossible, but usually, I just miss my best-friend.
All I see is ugly in this world, but a piece of beauty hangs from my wrist...
A line from Mr. Purple, one of the few males that get mistaken for being a homosexual more than I do:
I know (I know) that you're going with another guy
I don't care (I don't care) because I love you baby that's no lie
I love you more than I did when you were mine
I like the words only love because depending on how you say it, the tone of voice, the situation you're in... they have different connotations. For example, you say "Only love is what I have for you," as I once stated in a song. With the statement, it's sort of like devotion. Here it reads as devotion and sweetness and niceness. But if someone were to say, "It's only love" then the words means love is something of unimportance. I don't know where I fall in anymore. I'd like more direct, but I can't. I'm in this state of denial. I'm in this state of hope. I'm in this state of dreams. I'm aloof.
We're going to take a little ride on the way back machine... In high school I was a dreamer. People, the few, the very, very few that could get into this head of mine, they liked this about me. I'm starting to realize that it was only like and nothing more. You can never love a dreamer. You look at him or her and stare and think it's cute that someone can have so much promise and hope. You root for that underdog. You want him or her to succeed. You want their dreams to come true. And when they do, it's triuph, but when they lose it, it's disaster. You look at them and feel sorry for them at first. You hope they can bounce back, but they can't. They try, but cannot. Eventually, you get sick of it. The dreamer turns to pathetic loser. The dreamer turns into a disapointed hopeful. The dreamer turns from a person you rooted for to someone that doesn't matter anymore.
Let's step into the way forward machine - there is a future out there, but the dreamer looks at the past and just sees more of the same. He or she cannot recoup. This person is broken. This person is non-existent. The person that once was is gone. He is an empty shell in an empty cell. Lifeless, and soulless, and yes, he falls way short.
A dreamer is admired, but when the dreams have passed him by, the dreams no longer exist. The ins are out. The smiles are false. The eyes are scarred.
All I want is the chance. I want the chance to succeed. Hearts break and life goes on, yes, I know. I just don't have anything to dream of. I'm out of hope. In the end, time will stand still and all will be forgotten. Lost loves, hatred, friendship... it all burns out, not fades. Anyone remember that movie Mad Love where Drew Barrymore was suicidal (and still cute)? She asks the dreadful Chris O' Donell "If you were able to know when you were going to die, would you want to know?" Me, I wouldn't because then I would surely know that I'm going to die.
I live my life with this underlying optimism in things that cannot happen. I'd like to live forever. I'd like to fly like Superman. I'd like to live my with her. The impossible is beautiful. The impossible is special. The impossible is just a dream.
I don't know what I'm saying... I'm too scattered to think. I need to rest. I need to reevaluate. I need to be. I need a hug. I need a friend. A friend? There are things inside that I can't let go of. Some I'm aware of, others I have no clue yet, and others I know are just going to end without a bang or whimper... a shrug. There are things that if I admit to, I will be even more lost. There are things that cannot be understood by my mind. There are things that I love far too much to let go of. I yearn for a day where I can let go, but hang onto just enough. Somedays it's close, others seem impossible, but usually, I just miss my best-friend.
All I see is ugly in this world, but a piece of beauty hangs from my wrist...
A line from Mr. Purple, one of the few males that get mistaken for being a homosexual more than I do:
I know (I know) that you're going with another guy
I don't care (I don't care) because I love you baby that's no lie
I love you more than I did when you were mine
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I Hate That
I made such a cool guitar riff last night and when I woke up I forgot how it went...
I'm really tired and uninspired lately. I'm dreaming of Decemember. The idea of not having to commute for three hours everyday just sounds so peaceful. Think about it... three hours of a 24 hour day... minus 8 hours of sleep, so that's three out of 16 hours a day. Plus, I usually get to school a half hour early and leave a half hour after classes, so I'm really spending four of those sixteen hours of everyday either waiting for or taking the bus. That's a quarter of my day. So a quarter of my day is useless... not like the rest is all that important.
Ramble, ramble, ramble...
I thought I'd bring up a horrible song by Usher... yes, Usher, star of She's All That and current boyfriend of Chilli of TLC fame (Yes, I'm In Touch). "You remind of a girl that I once knew / see her face whenever I look at you" There are a few things wrong with this statement. Firstly, I hate the fact that I know this song. Why on earth do I know this song still? It used to rape my ears at work a few years ago, but it still floats around in this insane mind of mine. Furthermore, this song, at least of this song, kind of applies to my life. I saw a girl today who looks a little similar to the girl... yes, the girl. She comes into my store semi-often and every time I see her... I don't know. I know it's not her... and no way she has her eyes or voice or that James Iha lovin' aura. She just has some similarity. I smile. She looks at me. She says hello. My thought, "Hey, you look a bit like my ex-girlfriend." My voice, "That's a dollar fourteen." She walks away. Softly, "Damn Usher."
An odd conversation from earlier.
Friend: You should be friends with my friend Vicky.
Dreamer: Vicky?
Friend: I can see the two of you dating.
Dreamer: I don't see myself dating any time soon.
Friend: Seriously, I think you'd like. She has that look you like.
Dreamer: What does she look like?
Friend: Umm... she's blonde.
(Dreamer has confused, squinty, dumbfounded look.)
Dreamer: Okay... what kind of music does she like.
Friend: She really like Queens of the Stone Age.
(Dreamer is extremely confused)
Dreamer: I don't like blonds. I don't like Queens of the Stone Age. Does she like Carrot Top? Does she watch Pauly Shore movies? Does she own a denim jacket?
How off could this person be?
Off to work on an essay.
I made such a cool guitar riff last night and when I woke up I forgot how it went...
I'm really tired and uninspired lately. I'm dreaming of Decemember. The idea of not having to commute for three hours everyday just sounds so peaceful. Think about it... three hours of a 24 hour day... minus 8 hours of sleep, so that's three out of 16 hours a day. Plus, I usually get to school a half hour early and leave a half hour after classes, so I'm really spending four of those sixteen hours of everyday either waiting for or taking the bus. That's a quarter of my day. So a quarter of my day is useless... not like the rest is all that important.
Ramble, ramble, ramble...
I thought I'd bring up a horrible song by Usher... yes, Usher, star of She's All That and current boyfriend of Chilli of TLC fame (Yes, I'm In Touch). "You remind of a girl that I once knew / see her face whenever I look at you" There are a few things wrong with this statement. Firstly, I hate the fact that I know this song. Why on earth do I know this song still? It used to rape my ears at work a few years ago, but it still floats around in this insane mind of mine. Furthermore, this song, at least of this song, kind of applies to my life. I saw a girl today who looks a little similar to the girl... yes, the girl. She comes into my store semi-often and every time I see her... I don't know. I know it's not her... and no way she has her eyes or voice or that James Iha lovin' aura. She just has some similarity. I smile. She looks at me. She says hello. My thought, "Hey, you look a bit like my ex-girlfriend." My voice, "That's a dollar fourteen." She walks away. Softly, "Damn Usher."
An odd conversation from earlier.
Friend: You should be friends with my friend Vicky.
Dreamer: Vicky?
Friend: I can see the two of you dating.
Dreamer: I don't see myself dating any time soon.
Friend: Seriously, I think you'd like. She has that look you like.
Dreamer: What does she look like?
Friend: Umm... she's blonde.
(Dreamer has confused, squinty, dumbfounded look.)
Dreamer: Okay... what kind of music does she like.
Friend: She really like Queens of the Stone Age.
(Dreamer is extremely confused)
Dreamer: I don't like blonds. I don't like Queens of the Stone Age. Does she like Carrot Top? Does she watch Pauly Shore movies? Does she own a denim jacket?
How off could this person be?
Off to work on an essay.
The Jerk
Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
I guess it's safe to say that it's over. And it's safe to say that there's no chance whatsoever. And it's safe to say that she's not in love with me anymore.
It feels like we're back in real time. It feels like the emotion has faded, the spark of finding that long lost love, the "what if" in our minds have ended... sort of. We never really got to live the what if. We just got to sample it. It was really nice. When she found me a year ago, I thought my life could only get better, that things were starting to look up for me. I'm not sure... I'm happy to have my friend back, very happy. I'm just sad that I've lost... well... it doesn't matter.
She's happy now. She seems really good and grounded and appreciates the things in her life. And I'm happy for her. No one deserves to be happy and have a good life more than her. All the drama and bullshit over the last year or so, in the end, she's happy, and I'm glad. Glad for her. For myself, I'm sad. I feel like my life is back to where it was but even worse. I'm more confused than ever. I've lost a lot dreams. I lost my love. I lost my everything. And that makes me sad.
"The light at the end of the tunnel may be you"
Where does the cliche help when you're heartbroken? There aren't many silver linings or dreams to hope for. I just wish I had something in my life to fill the void. I'm not saying I want someone to take her place and fall in love again right away... I don't see that happening any time soon... if ever again. I just feel broken and empty. I'd like someone or something to tell me something nice. I want to forget about shit for awhile. I want to live my life like it doesn't matter because I have something important.I want to know what love is... I want you to show me. I'm all out of love , what am I without you / I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong. The thing is, I wasn't wrong. No one was wrong. It ended because it wasn't right. I never lost any love for her, and I like to think she didn't lose any for me. And I'm happy for her that she hasn't pinned on me for the rest of her life, but I'd just like to know one day that I won't pine after her anymore. Part of me still has hope, but I shouldn't. I know it's hopeless, but I'm still looking for a resolution. I keep thinking, "well, what if I do this? And how about if I do this here and move this around there?" The thing is that I'm willing to do anything, but there's just nothing I can do. She's happy... let her go, moron. But what if I... no, stop it. But I can... no you can't.
...
...
...
I wanted to write more, but I'm out of thoughts. I wish I had something clever or insightful to say, but I don't. The state of my life sucks. Cheer yourself up... umm... what can I do? Umm... what's makes me happy? Alas... that's the problem.
End with a song - What's with these goddamn hommies dissin' my girl?
Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
I guess it's safe to say that it's over. And it's safe to say that there's no chance whatsoever. And it's safe to say that she's not in love with me anymore.
It feels like we're back in real time. It feels like the emotion has faded, the spark of finding that long lost love, the "what if" in our minds have ended... sort of. We never really got to live the what if. We just got to sample it. It was really nice. When she found me a year ago, I thought my life could only get better, that things were starting to look up for me. I'm not sure... I'm happy to have my friend back, very happy. I'm just sad that I've lost... well... it doesn't matter.
She's happy now. She seems really good and grounded and appreciates the things in her life. And I'm happy for her. No one deserves to be happy and have a good life more than her. All the drama and bullshit over the last year or so, in the end, she's happy, and I'm glad. Glad for her. For myself, I'm sad. I feel like my life is back to where it was but even worse. I'm more confused than ever. I've lost a lot dreams. I lost my love. I lost my everything. And that makes me sad.
"The light at the end of the tunnel may be you"
Where does the cliche help when you're heartbroken? There aren't many silver linings or dreams to hope for. I just wish I had something in my life to fill the void. I'm not saying I want someone to take her place and fall in love again right away... I don't see that happening any time soon... if ever again. I just feel broken and empty. I'd like someone or something to tell me something nice. I want to forget about shit for awhile. I want to live my life like it doesn't matter because I have something important.
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I wanted to write more, but I'm out of thoughts. I wish I had something clever or insightful to say, but I don't. The state of my life sucks. Cheer yourself up... umm... what can I do? Umm... what's makes me happy? Alas... that's the problem.
End with a song - What's with these goddamn hommies dissin' my girl?
