anti-social commentaries version 2.1
Friday, December 19, 2003
A Decision
I've decided to close the site. I don't know if I feel like blogging anymore. I'll write more later.
I've decided to close the site. I don't know if I feel like blogging anymore. I'll write more later.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Just Dropping By
Just dropping a line to say I'm fine. I feel a lot better lately. I don't feel like getting back into blogger mode yet for 1) laptop is on fire, and 2) not much to say. But I feel better a bit. I think I'm kind of getting over the girl and sort of finding that balance between being in love with her and just simply loving her. Of course I'm still in love with her though... who isn't?... but I'm sort of almost getting close to a place where things can be okay.
I played a concert awhile ago. There was a girl there that had the slighest resemblance to said girl. Usually, if I think a girl is pretty I usually can fake some random line, maybe even smile or something, but that girl I saw, I couldn't even look at her. It was weird... but on stage it was different. Here's what happened.
Boy on stage doing sound check after just playing "Welcome To Paradise"
Sound Guy: Can you just keep talking in the mic?
Dreamer: What do you want me to say?
Sound Guy: Just say anything.
Dreamer: Well... umm... yea... hey, you in the front row.
Dreamer points at girl.
Dreamer: You bare the slightest resemblence to my ex-girlfriend... you know, if I try hard enough I can picture you naked.
End scene.
The concert was actually really good. People said we were really good, espeically considering the fact that everyone thought that we would suck - "Asian Guys playing Rock music?" - yes, we were like three James Ihas... Damn him and his aura.
I'm done most of my Christmas shopping. Just missing a few people.
Have a Krazy Kwanza.
Just dropping a line to say I'm fine. I feel a lot better lately. I don't feel like getting back into blogger mode yet for 1) laptop is on fire, and 2) not much to say. But I feel better a bit. I think I'm kind of getting over the girl and sort of finding that balance between being in love with her and just simply loving her. Of course I'm still in love with her though... who isn't?... but I'm sort of almost getting close to a place where things can be okay.
I played a concert awhile ago. There was a girl there that had the slighest resemblance to said girl. Usually, if I think a girl is pretty I usually can fake some random line, maybe even smile or something, but that girl I saw, I couldn't even look at her. It was weird... but on stage it was different. Here's what happened.
Boy on stage doing sound check after just playing "Welcome To Paradise"
Sound Guy: Can you just keep talking in the mic?
Dreamer: What do you want me to say?
Sound Guy: Just say anything.
Dreamer: Well... umm... yea... hey, you in the front row.
Dreamer points at girl.
Dreamer: You bare the slightest resemblence to my ex-girlfriend... you know, if I try hard enough I can picture you naked.
End scene.
The concert was actually really good. People said we were really good, espeically considering the fact that everyone thought that we would suck - "Asian Guys playing Rock music?" - yes, we were like three James Ihas... Damn him and his aura.
I'm done most of my Christmas shopping. Just missing a few people.
Have a Krazy Kwanza.
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
One Last Thing Before I Quit
That's a Monkey Wrench line by the way.
I thought I'd leave you with a little more and a little less than I should say. This is the last post until the new year so I'd say something about why I don't feel like posting. Here it goes:
My life is uneventful. It's filled with meaningless tasks and hobbies and past-times and escapes, but in the end it's like the inside of a seashell - it's empty. My life is empty. I'm still trying to deal with things, about my life, about the way things are, about the way I want them to be, about the way I still wish they would be. You know the story - boy meets girl, girl teases boy, boy finds something to destroy - and I don't have to get into it again. I'm just really in a search right now. I'm searching for something real or something or at least something that I can call my own. Maybe I should be a cat? Name it Tensor Green? I don't know.
But I need to rest and relax and stop thinking for awhile. Not really stop thinking, but stop pinning. All I do when I'm on this thing is talk about sadness, and I don't think that that's a fair representation. I get a little sadder when I'm online and on my computer. It makes me miss her. I get jealous of how happy she is, wishing I could go back to the day that I was the one who made her feel that way.
I've always been about dreams. I don't want to dream anymore. I want the real thing. In the summer, I guess I pushed her away. I thought about my life and my future and thought about if I could really be with her, if I could just move my life away and start a new... and after thinking about it, I realized that I should. But it was too late. I had missed my chance. It was too little too late... You told me it was a good size... I mean the effort. But when a girl tells you it's a good size, it's just a polite way of saying that it's small. Excuse my Mallrats aside.
I haven't been listening to music much lately. My computer is fried, I don't own a CD player, and my tape player doesn't have any speakers, but in my mind I hear the voices of Matt Sharp and my favourite Who'd you Rather, Mya Rudolph.
Seven More Minutes to hide away
Far from everyone
Seven More Minutes slide away
Somewhere in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(My head is in the sun)
Far from everyone
(somewhere far from everyone)
Seven More Minutes to hide away far from everyone
(Somewhere far from everyone)
Seven more minutes slide away somewhere in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
I must recoup. Maybe write a book or record my album. Maybe just do it acoustically first and spread them around to friends. So... this is good-bye until next year. For those who know me, do not be afraid to call or e-mail. I'm not going into the woods, growing a beard like Rivers, and sending letters bombs like the Unibomber... at least not yet. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hannukah, crazy Quanza, and a solemn dignified Rahmadah.
That's a Monkey Wrench line by the way.
I thought I'd leave you with a little more and a little less than I should say. This is the last post until the new year so I'd say something about why I don't feel like posting. Here it goes:
My life is uneventful. It's filled with meaningless tasks and hobbies and past-times and escapes, but in the end it's like the inside of a seashell - it's empty. My life is empty. I'm still trying to deal with things, about my life, about the way things are, about the way I want them to be, about the way I still wish they would be. You know the story - boy meets girl, girl teases boy, boy finds something to destroy - and I don't have to get into it again. I'm just really in a search right now. I'm searching for something real or something or at least something that I can call my own. Maybe I should be a cat? Name it Tensor Green? I don't know.
But I need to rest and relax and stop thinking for awhile. Not really stop thinking, but stop pinning. All I do when I'm on this thing is talk about sadness, and I don't think that that's a fair representation. I get a little sadder when I'm online and on my computer. It makes me miss her. I get jealous of how happy she is, wishing I could go back to the day that I was the one who made her feel that way.
I've always been about dreams. I don't want to dream anymore. I want the real thing. In the summer, I guess I pushed her away. I thought about my life and my future and thought about if I could really be with her, if I could just move my life away and start a new... and after thinking about it, I realized that I should. But it was too late. I had missed my chance. It was too little too late... You told me it was a good size... I mean the effort. But when a girl tells you it's a good size, it's just a polite way of saying that it's small. Excuse my Mallrats aside.
I haven't been listening to music much lately. My computer is fried, I don't own a CD player, and my tape player doesn't have any speakers, but in my mind I hear the voices of Matt Sharp and my favourite Who'd you Rather, Mya Rudolph.
Seven More Minutes to hide away
Far from everyone
Seven More Minutes slide away
Somewhere in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(My head is in the sun)
Far from everyone
(somewhere far from everyone)
Seven More Minutes to hide away far from everyone
(Somewhere far from everyone)
Seven more minutes slide away somewhere in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
I must recoup. Maybe write a book or record my album. Maybe just do it acoustically first and spread them around to friends. So... this is good-bye until next year. For those who know me, do not be afraid to call or e-mail. I'm not going into the woods, growing a beard like Rivers, and sending letters bombs like the Unibomber... at least not yet. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hannukah, crazy Quanza, and a solemn dignified Rahmadah.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Retirement?
I'm thinking of quitting the blogging game. I've been tremendously ill over the last week, my laptop has died, I haven't been to school in a week, and my bestest-friend is mad at me with due cause, and I'm probably going to fail all my classes this week. That's great, and how are you? But the blog is too much for me lately. The idea of keeping a journal of my thoughts is not something I want to do right now. I really don't like what I've been thinking as of late. No, I'm not dreaming of biting on the barrel of a gun or anything like, but I just don't feel well at all. For the last few months, my heart has been broken. Beyond broken. Broken to the point that the little pieces on the ground cannot be seen without a magnifying glass. And every time I talk about this here, it just don't feel right because it kind of paints her off, as she said, "a mean person". And she's not. I've never had a bad thing to say, but it kind of just comes off that way and that's not fair to her. But anyways... my life just feels like a blur. I can't believe I've almost finished a semester of school yet at the same time I dont' remember a thing. It's almost Decemeber 2003? What the fuck? How did that happen? A year ago I was at my happiest and now I feel so low. I'm sick both mentally and physically. I can hardly stand at the moment. Getting up in the morning, I just want to stay in bed underneath my twenty blankets and avoid the cold. I don't look forward to getting up in the morning. I don't look forward to going to work. I don't look forward to going to school. I don't really look forward to anything right now and until I feel a little better, I don't want to write here anymore.
So this is good-bye for now. I will probably be back in the new year. Damn New Years!
I'm thinking of quitting the blogging game. I've been tremendously ill over the last week, my laptop has died, I haven't been to school in a week, and my bestest-friend is mad at me with due cause, and I'm probably going to fail all my classes this week. That's great, and how are you? But the blog is too much for me lately. The idea of keeping a journal of my thoughts is not something I want to do right now. I really don't like what I've been thinking as of late. No, I'm not dreaming of biting on the barrel of a gun or anything like, but I just don't feel well at all. For the last few months, my heart has been broken. Beyond broken. Broken to the point that the little pieces on the ground cannot be seen without a magnifying glass. And every time I talk about this here, it just don't feel right because it kind of paints her off, as she said, "a mean person". And she's not. I've never had a bad thing to say, but it kind of just comes off that way and that's not fair to her. But anyways... my life just feels like a blur. I can't believe I've almost finished a semester of school yet at the same time I dont' remember a thing. It's almost Decemeber 2003? What the fuck? How did that happen? A year ago I was at my happiest and now I feel so low. I'm sick both mentally and physically. I can hardly stand at the moment. Getting up in the morning, I just want to stay in bed underneath my twenty blankets and avoid the cold. I don't look forward to getting up in the morning. I don't look forward to going to work. I don't look forward to going to school. I don't really look forward to anything right now and until I feel a little better, I don't want to write here anymore.
So this is good-bye for now. I will probably be back in the new year. Damn New Years!
Thursday, November 13, 2003
I'm Thinking
I'm thinking of changing the site... maybe a new template, a new address, maybe even new name. I don't know. What do you think?
I'm thinking of changing the site... maybe a new template, a new address, maybe even new name. I don't know. What do you think?
It's Snowing!!!
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost freezing off your ass
It's snowing today and it's violently windy. Me being so small, a gust of wind literally stopped me in my tracks. I was walking and for a second or two I was suspended in one spot. It was like I was in bullet time (a la The Matrix or Max Payne). It's not the good snow yet. It's not the type that will stay on the ground, or is it the type that looks pretty, but it's still nice to see. I remember the first snow of this year way back in January. I had someone to share it with. It was quite a happy moment... cold, but happy.
Suicide week two of this semester is almost done, leaving one more next week.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost freezing off your ass
It's snowing today and it's violently windy. Me being so small, a gust of wind literally stopped me in my tracks. I was walking and for a second or two I was suspended in one spot. It was like I was in bullet time (a la The Matrix or Max Payne). It's not the good snow yet. It's not the type that will stay on the ground, or is it the type that looks pretty, but it's still nice to see. I remember the first snow of this year way back in January. I had someone to share it with. It was quite a happy moment... cold, but happy.
Suicide week two of this semester is almost done, leaving one more next week.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Only Love
I like the words only love because depending on how you say it, the tone of voice, the situation you're in... they have different connotations. For example, you say "Only love is what I have for you," as I once stated in a song. With the statement, it's sort of like devotion. Here it reads as devotion and sweetness and niceness. But if someone were to say, "It's only love" then the words means love is something of unimportance. I don't know where I fall in anymore. I'd like more direct, but I can't. I'm in this state of denial. I'm in this state of hope. I'm in this state of dreams. I'm aloof.
We're going to take a little ride on the way back machine... In high school I was a dreamer. People, the few, the very, very few that could get into this head of mine, they liked this about me. I'm starting to realize that it was only like and nothing more. You can never love a dreamer. You look at him or her and stare and think it's cute that someone can have so much promise and hope. You root for that underdog. You want him or her to succeed. You want their dreams to come true. And when they do, it's triuph, but when they lose it, it's disaster. You look at them and feel sorry for them at first. You hope they can bounce back, but they can't. They try, but cannot. Eventually, you get sick of it. The dreamer turns to pathetic loser. The dreamer turns into a disapointed hopeful. The dreamer turns from a person you rooted for to someone that doesn't matter anymore.
Let's step into the way forward machine - there is a future out there, but the dreamer looks at the past and just sees more of the same. He or she cannot recoup. This person is broken. This person is non-existent. The person that once was is gone. He is an empty shell in an empty cell. Lifeless, and soulless, and yes, he falls way short.
A dreamer is admired, but when the dreams have passed him by, the dreams no longer exist. The ins are out. The smiles are false. The eyes are scarred.
All I want is the chance. I want the chance to succeed. Hearts break and life goes on, yes, I know. I just don't have anything to dream of. I'm out of hope. In the end, time will stand still and all will be forgotten. Lost loves, hatred, friendship... it all burns out, not fades. Anyone remember that movie Mad Love where Drew Barrymore was suicidal (and still cute)? She asks the dreadful Chris O' Donell "If you were able to know when you were going to die, would you want to know?" Me, I wouldn't because then I would surely know that I'm going to die.
I live my life with this underlying optimism in things that cannot happen. I'd like to live forever. I'd like to fly like Superman. I'd like to live my with her. The impossible is beautiful. The impossible is special. The impossible is just a dream.
I don't know what I'm saying... I'm too scattered to think. I need to rest. I need to reevaluate. I need to be. I need a hug. I need a friend. A friend? There are things inside that I can't let go of. Some I'm aware of, others I have no clue yet, and others I know are just going to end without a bang or whimper... a shrug. There are things that if I admit to, I will be even more lost. There are things that cannot be understood by my mind. There are things that I love far too much to let go of. I yearn for a day where I can let go, but hang onto just enough. Somedays it's close, others seem impossible, but usually, I just miss my best-friend.
All I see is ugly in this world, but a piece of beauty hangs from my wrist...
A line from Mr. Purple, one of the few males that get mistaken for being a homosexual more than I do:
I know (I know) that you're going with another guy
I don't care (I don't care) because I love you baby that's no lie
I love you more than I did when you were mine
I like the words only love because depending on how you say it, the tone of voice, the situation you're in... they have different connotations. For example, you say "Only love is what I have for you," as I once stated in a song. With the statement, it's sort of like devotion. Here it reads as devotion and sweetness and niceness. But if someone were to say, "It's only love" then the words means love is something of unimportance. I don't know where I fall in anymore. I'd like more direct, but I can't. I'm in this state of denial. I'm in this state of hope. I'm in this state of dreams. I'm aloof.
We're going to take a little ride on the way back machine... In high school I was a dreamer. People, the few, the very, very few that could get into this head of mine, they liked this about me. I'm starting to realize that it was only like and nothing more. You can never love a dreamer. You look at him or her and stare and think it's cute that someone can have so much promise and hope. You root for that underdog. You want him or her to succeed. You want their dreams to come true. And when they do, it's triuph, but when they lose it, it's disaster. You look at them and feel sorry for them at first. You hope they can bounce back, but they can't. They try, but cannot. Eventually, you get sick of it. The dreamer turns to pathetic loser. The dreamer turns into a disapointed hopeful. The dreamer turns from a person you rooted for to someone that doesn't matter anymore.
Let's step into the way forward machine - there is a future out there, but the dreamer looks at the past and just sees more of the same. He or she cannot recoup. This person is broken. This person is non-existent. The person that once was is gone. He is an empty shell in an empty cell. Lifeless, and soulless, and yes, he falls way short.
A dreamer is admired, but when the dreams have passed him by, the dreams no longer exist. The ins are out. The smiles are false. The eyes are scarred.
All I want is the chance. I want the chance to succeed. Hearts break and life goes on, yes, I know. I just don't have anything to dream of. I'm out of hope. In the end, time will stand still and all will be forgotten. Lost loves, hatred, friendship... it all burns out, not fades. Anyone remember that movie Mad Love where Drew Barrymore was suicidal (and still cute)? She asks the dreadful Chris O' Donell "If you were able to know when you were going to die, would you want to know?" Me, I wouldn't because then I would surely know that I'm going to die.
I live my life with this underlying optimism in things that cannot happen. I'd like to live forever. I'd like to fly like Superman. I'd like to live my with her. The impossible is beautiful. The impossible is special. The impossible is just a dream.
I don't know what I'm saying... I'm too scattered to think. I need to rest. I need to reevaluate. I need to be. I need a hug. I need a friend. A friend? There are things inside that I can't let go of. Some I'm aware of, others I have no clue yet, and others I know are just going to end without a bang or whimper... a shrug. There are things that if I admit to, I will be even more lost. There are things that cannot be understood by my mind. There are things that I love far too much to let go of. I yearn for a day where I can let go, but hang onto just enough. Somedays it's close, others seem impossible, but usually, I just miss my best-friend.
All I see is ugly in this world, but a piece of beauty hangs from my wrist...
A line from Mr. Purple, one of the few males that get mistaken for being a homosexual more than I do:
I know (I know) that you're going with another guy
I don't care (I don't care) because I love you baby that's no lie
I love you more than I did when you were mine
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I Hate That
I made such a cool guitar riff last night and when I woke up I forgot how it went...
I'm really tired and uninspired lately. I'm dreaming of Decemember. The idea of not having to commute for three hours everyday just sounds so peaceful. Think about it... three hours of a 24 hour day... minus 8 hours of sleep, so that's three out of 16 hours a day. Plus, I usually get to school a half hour early and leave a half hour after classes, so I'm really spending four of those sixteen hours of everyday either waiting for or taking the bus. That's a quarter of my day. So a quarter of my day is useless... not like the rest is all that important.
Ramble, ramble, ramble...
I thought I'd bring up a horrible song by Usher... yes, Usher, star of She's All That and current boyfriend of Chilli of TLC fame (Yes, I'm In Touch). "You remind of a girl that I once knew / see her face whenever I look at you" There are a few things wrong with this statement. Firstly, I hate the fact that I know this song. Why on earth do I know this song still? It used to rape my ears at work a few years ago, but it still floats around in this insane mind of mine. Furthermore, this song, at least of this song, kind of applies to my life. I saw a girl today who looks a little similar to the girl... yes, the girl. She comes into my store semi-often and every time I see her... I don't know. I know it's not her... and no way she has her eyes or voice or that James Iha lovin' aura. She just has some similarity. I smile. She looks at me. She says hello. My thought, "Hey, you look a bit like my ex-girlfriend." My voice, "That's a dollar fourteen." She walks away. Softly, "Damn Usher."
An odd conversation from earlier.
Friend: You should be friends with my friend Vicky.
Dreamer: Vicky?
Friend: I can see the two of you dating.
Dreamer: I don't see myself dating any time soon.
Friend: Seriously, I think you'd like. She has that look you like.
Dreamer: What does she look like?
Friend: Umm... she's blonde.
(Dreamer has confused, squinty, dumbfounded look.)
Dreamer: Okay... what kind of music does she like.
Friend: She really like Queens of the Stone Age.
(Dreamer is extremely confused)
Dreamer: I don't like blonds. I don't like Queens of the Stone Age. Does she like Carrot Top? Does she watch Pauly Shore movies? Does she own a denim jacket?
How off could this person be?
Off to work on an essay.
I made such a cool guitar riff last night and when I woke up I forgot how it went...
I'm really tired and uninspired lately. I'm dreaming of Decemember. The idea of not having to commute for three hours everyday just sounds so peaceful. Think about it... three hours of a 24 hour day... minus 8 hours of sleep, so that's three out of 16 hours a day. Plus, I usually get to school a half hour early and leave a half hour after classes, so I'm really spending four of those sixteen hours of everyday either waiting for or taking the bus. That's a quarter of my day. So a quarter of my day is useless... not like the rest is all that important.
Ramble, ramble, ramble...
I thought I'd bring up a horrible song by Usher... yes, Usher, star of She's All That and current boyfriend of Chilli of TLC fame (Yes, I'm In Touch). "You remind of a girl that I once knew / see her face whenever I look at you" There are a few things wrong with this statement. Firstly, I hate the fact that I know this song. Why on earth do I know this song still? It used to rape my ears at work a few years ago, but it still floats around in this insane mind of mine. Furthermore, this song, at least of this song, kind of applies to my life. I saw a girl today who looks a little similar to the girl... yes, the girl. She comes into my store semi-often and every time I see her... I don't know. I know it's not her... and no way she has her eyes or voice or that James Iha lovin' aura. She just has some similarity. I smile. She looks at me. She says hello. My thought, "Hey, you look a bit like my ex-girlfriend." My voice, "That's a dollar fourteen." She walks away. Softly, "Damn Usher."
An odd conversation from earlier.
Friend: You should be friends with my friend Vicky.
Dreamer: Vicky?
Friend: I can see the two of you dating.
Dreamer: I don't see myself dating any time soon.
Friend: Seriously, I think you'd like. She has that look you like.
Dreamer: What does she look like?
Friend: Umm... she's blonde.
(Dreamer has confused, squinty, dumbfounded look.)
Dreamer: Okay... what kind of music does she like.
Friend: She really like Queens of the Stone Age.
(Dreamer is extremely confused)
Dreamer: I don't like blonds. I don't like Queens of the Stone Age. Does she like Carrot Top? Does she watch Pauly Shore movies? Does she own a denim jacket?
How off could this person be?
Off to work on an essay.
The Jerk
Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
I guess it's safe to say that it's over. And it's safe to say that there's no chance whatsoever. And it's safe to say that she's not in love with me anymore.
It feels like we're back in real time. It feels like the emotion has faded, the spark of finding that long lost love, the "what if" in our minds have ended... sort of. We never really got to live the what if. We just got to sample it. It was really nice. When she found me a year ago, I thought my life could only get better, that things were starting to look up for me. I'm not sure... I'm happy to have my friend back, very happy. I'm just sad that I've lost... well... it doesn't matter.
She's happy now. She seems really good and grounded and appreciates the things in her life. And I'm happy for her. No one deserves to be happy and have a good life more than her. All the drama and bullshit over the last year or so, in the end, she's happy, and I'm glad. Glad for her. For myself, I'm sad. I feel like my life is back to where it was but even worse. I'm more confused than ever. I've lost a lot dreams. I lost my love. I lost my everything. And that makes me sad.
"The light at the end of the tunnel may be you"
Where does the cliche help when you're heartbroken? There aren't many silver linings or dreams to hope for. I just wish I had something in my life to fill the void. I'm not saying I want someone to take her place and fall in love again right away... I don't see that happening any time soon... if ever again. I just feel broken and empty. I'd like someone or something to tell me something nice. I want to forget about shit for awhile. I want to live my life like it doesn't matter because I have something important.I want to know what love is... I want you to show me. I'm all out of love , what am I without you / I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong. The thing is, I wasn't wrong. No one was wrong. It ended because it wasn't right. I never lost any love for her, and I like to think she didn't lose any for me. And I'm happy for her that she hasn't pinned on me for the rest of her life, but I'd just like to know one day that I won't pine after her anymore. Part of me still has hope, but I shouldn't. I know it's hopeless, but I'm still looking for a resolution. I keep thinking, "well, what if I do this? And how about if I do this here and move this around there?" The thing is that I'm willing to do anything, but there's just nothing I can do. She's happy... let her go, moron. But what if I... no, stop it. But I can... no you can't.
...
...
...
I wanted to write more, but I'm out of thoughts. I wish I had something clever or insightful to say, but I don't. The state of my life sucks. Cheer yourself up... umm... what can I do? Umm... what's makes me happy? Alas... that's the problem.
End with a song - What's with these goddamn hommies dissin' my girl?
Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
I guess it's safe to say that it's over. And it's safe to say that there's no chance whatsoever. And it's safe to say that she's not in love with me anymore.
It feels like we're back in real time. It feels like the emotion has faded, the spark of finding that long lost love, the "what if" in our minds have ended... sort of. We never really got to live the what if. We just got to sample it. It was really nice. When she found me a year ago, I thought my life could only get better, that things were starting to look up for me. I'm not sure... I'm happy to have my friend back, very happy. I'm just sad that I've lost... well... it doesn't matter.
She's happy now. She seems really good and grounded and appreciates the things in her life. And I'm happy for her. No one deserves to be happy and have a good life more than her. All the drama and bullshit over the last year or so, in the end, she's happy, and I'm glad. Glad for her. For myself, I'm sad. I feel like my life is back to where it was but even worse. I'm more confused than ever. I've lost a lot dreams. I lost my love. I lost my everything. And that makes me sad.
"The light at the end of the tunnel may be you"
Where does the cliche help when you're heartbroken? There aren't many silver linings or dreams to hope for. I just wish I had something in my life to fill the void. I'm not saying I want someone to take her place and fall in love again right away... I don't see that happening any time soon... if ever again. I just feel broken and empty. I'd like someone or something to tell me something nice. I want to forget about shit for awhile. I want to live my life like it doesn't matter because I have something important.
...
...
...
I wanted to write more, but I'm out of thoughts. I wish I had something clever or insightful to say, but I don't. The state of my life sucks. Cheer yourself up... umm... what can I do? Umm... what's makes me happy? Alas... that's the problem.
End with a song - What's with these goddamn hommies dissin' my girl?
Monday, November 10, 2003
The World's Worst Country Song
I was taking a shower this morning and wrote a song. It's in standard oddly. That brings my count of songs I've written in standard upto 3... I hear female harmonies and slide guitars... it's a really typical country song. Enjoy.
X A
I lost my love
D
I'm so out of touch
A
I miss my best-friend
E
I miss her so much
A
And I'll live my life
D
Go on somehow
E
I'll love again
A
But just not now
A
She was always there for me all
D A
Morning day and night
And I could always talk to her even
D A
Though it wasn't right
D E
I can't hear here on the phone
A A/G# F#m
Without wanting to cry
D E
I know I'm still in love
D A
But I know she isn't mine
Remembering the good times when we'd say
Nothing all night long
Bringing up those memories of how we
Felt so alone
Now I'm sitting here without her
And I'm broken down inside
I know I'm still in love
But I know she isn't mine
I was taking a shower this morning and wrote a song. It's in standard oddly. That brings my count of songs I've written in standard upto 3... I hear female harmonies and slide guitars... it's a really typical country song. Enjoy.
X A
I lost my love
D
I'm so out of touch
A
I miss my best-friend
E
I miss her so much
A
And I'll live my life
D
Go on somehow
E
I'll love again
A
But just not now
A
She was always there for me all
D A
Morning day and night
And I could always talk to her even
D A
Though it wasn't right
D E
I can't hear here on the phone
A A/G# F#m
Without wanting to cry
D E
I know I'm still in love
D A
But I know she isn't mine
Remembering the good times when we'd say
Nothing all night long
Bringing up those memories of how we
Felt so alone
Now I'm sitting here without her
And I'm broken down inside
I know I'm still in love
But I know she isn't mine
I'm Sorry
Help me correct this and play this game. It's a game where you say "Who You'd Rather..." and you have a choice between two people. One of the options is Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph... please chose Maya. It's not that I don't like Tina Fey, but I think Maya's totals are just way too low. She's like at 10% while Tina is at 90%? That's just not nice.
Help me correct this and play this game. It's a game where you say "Who You'd Rather..." and you have a choice between two people. One of the options is Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph... please chose Maya. It's not that I don't like Tina Fey, but I think Maya's totals are just way too low. She's like at 10% while Tina is at 90%? That's just not nice.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Friday, November 07, 2003
Random
It's not a happy life
When everything is hard
And you held the Queen of Hearts
Now you can't find any cards
It's not a happy life
When everything is hard
And you held the Queen of Hearts
Now you can't find any cards
Computers Suck
It's all jacked up. I was in and around and my computer would not turn off. I could not restart or anything. It was just sitting here and every time I moved the mouse, where the mouse went would turn black. Sons of bitches.
It's 1:11... why am I still awake? I have class at 10:30 tomorrow. I have to leave at 9:30. I really hate commuting. Can you believe I almost got a $100 fine today because some asshole cannot hear. I don't want to get into it. Some people just really do not care about their jobs... I know it must be boring and dull to do some things, but still... I don't know. Nevermind.
Random thoughts:
My computer is screwy off and on.
Her's is dying and has been dying forever.
My brother's will start up.
My school computers are always filled.
My teeth hurt.
Matt Sharp recorded Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" with former Rental and current SNLer Maya Rudolph... blah. Firstly, she's really cute. Secondly, she's really talented. Thirdly, she says "It's cool". Looking forward to that...
Nirvana is overrated...
Foo Fighters are underrated...
I want to see Blink at the Phoenix...
I miss Green Day...
When will Matt's solo album come out? Apparently, it's not done yet. I asked him personally.
Why do I get that feeling of impending doom when I think Weezer's album five?
Dr. Frank is a genius in my opinion.
Is it just me or did Sars just fall of the face of the earth?
I need to get my flu shot.
I also need to go to the dentist.
I need new glasses.
I like Starbucks.
I hate Second Cup.
I haven't had Bubble Tea in ages.
I like Gyros.
I'm sick of cold cuts.
Stacey's Mom doesn't really have it going on. The song is actually about the writer's grandmother. The band wanted it to sound like the Cars meets Rick Springfield.
A Rick Springfield line that sums me up - I want to tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.
I find most people ugly.
I find hardly anyone attractive and / or cute.
I think that everything in life just happens. In a perfect world she and I would probably be together, maybe married, but at least closer to one another.
I think life is tiring.
I believe in Freud's death drive, though I think most of his complexes are just silly. Who really wants to sleep with their mother and kill their father. The second part maybe, but the first part?
I haven't even listened to the new Dashboard. I bought it right after the blackout.
Does anyone remember the blackout?
I really don't like Asian people... not that I like most people anyways.
I'm dying to live.
It's all jacked up. I was in and around and my computer would not turn off. I could not restart or anything. It was just sitting here and every time I moved the mouse, where the mouse went would turn black. Sons of bitches.
It's 1:11... why am I still awake? I have class at 10:30 tomorrow. I have to leave at 9:30. I really hate commuting. Can you believe I almost got a $100 fine today because some asshole cannot hear. I don't want to get into it. Some people just really do not care about their jobs... I know it must be boring and dull to do some things, but still... I don't know. Nevermind.
Random thoughts:
My computer is screwy off and on.
Her's is dying and has been dying forever.
My brother's will start up.
My school computers are always filled.
My teeth hurt.
Matt Sharp recorded Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" with former Rental and current SNLer Maya Rudolph... blah. Firstly, she's really cute. Secondly, she's really talented. Thirdly, she says "It's cool". Looking forward to that...
Nirvana is overrated...
Foo Fighters are underrated...
I want to see Blink at the Phoenix...
I miss Green Day...
When will Matt's solo album come out? Apparently, it's not done yet. I asked him personally.
Why do I get that feeling of impending doom when I think Weezer's album five?
Dr. Frank is a genius in my opinion.
Is it just me or did Sars just fall of the face of the earth?
I need to get my flu shot.
I also need to go to the dentist.
I need new glasses.
I like Starbucks.
I hate Second Cup.
I haven't had Bubble Tea in ages.
I like Gyros.
I'm sick of cold cuts.
Stacey's Mom doesn't really have it going on. The song is actually about the writer's grandmother. The band wanted it to sound like the Cars meets Rick Springfield.
A Rick Springfield line that sums me up - I want to tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.
I find most people ugly.
I find hardly anyone attractive and / or cute.
I think that everything in life just happens. In a perfect world she and I would probably be together, maybe married, but at least closer to one another.
I think life is tiring.
I believe in Freud's death drive, though I think most of his complexes are just silly. Who really wants to sleep with their mother and kill their father. The second part maybe, but the first part?
I haven't even listened to the new Dashboard. I bought it right after the blackout.
Does anyone remember the blackout?
I really don't like Asian people... not that I like most people anyways.
I'm dying to live.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
A Song
So take one of "Sara Smiled At Me" is up here. I'm still working on getting the bugs out of the recording process. There's so much static from my computer that's feeding into my amp, plus I don't have enough cords so my mic is standing alone without a pre-amp. Also, the drums are too soft, the guitars are too loud, and it needs more moogs! I'm just making excuses... let the panning begin.
So take one of "Sara Smiled At Me" is up here. I'm still working on getting the bugs out of the recording process. There's so much static from my computer that's feeding into my amp, plus I don't have enough cords so my mic is standing alone without a pre-amp. Also, the drums are too soft, the guitars are too loud, and it needs more moogs! I'm just making excuses... let the panning begin.
Brian Wilson
I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Brian Wilson was 23 when he made Pet Sounds. Isn't that insane? Well, so was he. I'm in the mood to sleep. I just want to sleep. I want to lie in bed underneath four blankets, yes four blankets, and just lie there listening to random songs off my playlists. What have I been listening to lately? Not Tonight from the concert on Saturday has been playing a lot around these parts. Also listening to "You Went Away" by T & S.
I'm almost 23. It's really scary to think that Brian Wilson made that album at 23. It was so ahead of it's time, but at the same time was accepted. Songs like Wouldn't It Be Nice and God Only Knows came off of this album. There aren't that many albums that are considered genius or masterpiece. There's Pet Sounds, of course my Pinkerton, and few others. Nevermind was not genius. Nevermind the Bullocks was not genius. A lot of the "best albums" are just cultural things that do well, but aren't really all that great. To be honest, I don't think I can even listen to Nevermind anymore. The last time I heard Teen Spirit I just thought "This so sounds slow."
I think I want to dive my heart into music. I doubt I'll ever make a masterpiece or something most people will like, but if I like it then that's all that should matter.
I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Brian Wilson was 23 when he made Pet Sounds. Isn't that insane? Well, so was he. I'm in the mood to sleep. I just want to sleep. I want to lie in bed underneath four blankets, yes four blankets, and just lie there listening to random songs off my playlists. What have I been listening to lately? Not Tonight from the concert on Saturday has been playing a lot around these parts. Also listening to "You Went Away" by T & S.
I'm almost 23. It's really scary to think that Brian Wilson made that album at 23. It was so ahead of it's time, but at the same time was accepted. Songs like Wouldn't It Be Nice and God Only Knows came off of this album. There aren't that many albums that are considered genius or masterpiece. There's Pet Sounds, of course my Pinkerton, and few others. Nevermind was not genius. Nevermind the Bullocks was not genius. A lot of the "best albums" are just cultural things that do well, but aren't really all that great. To be honest, I don't think I can even listen to Nevermind anymore. The last time I heard Teen Spirit I just thought "This so sounds slow."
I think I want to dive my heart into music. I doubt I'll ever make a masterpiece or something most people will like, but if I like it then that's all that should matter.
Stolen From Starz
I had a long post, but I don't feel like posting it today - random quiz stolen from one of the many great blogs found on your right:
1. Name: Unimportant
2. There are 3 wells: love, friends, happiness. If you can drink from only 2 of them, which ones do you drink from? Friendship and love... friendship leads to love and love leads to happiness.
3. Do you wish on stars? To quote a song I once wrote "I wish on stars that are not there".
4. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you? Steve Buschemi.
5. What TV show or movie title bests describes your life? Reality Bites
6. What is the #1 priority in your life? I don't even think I have one anymore.
7. Do you have any bad habits? Many... bite my nails a lot lately. I'm a nervous wreck lately.
8. What store would you never be caught dead in? York Bookstore.
9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Probably not because I'm not the type of person to make friends.
10. Do you follow or lead? Neither.
11. Have you ever told a secret that you swore you wouldn't repeat? I know many secrets. I am a good vault.
12.Have you ever stolen anything? Many things.
13. Do looks matter? Not before, but I think they do now. I was once with a gorgeous woman and I can't be with an ugmo now.
14. Do you pray? I don't believe in God anymore.
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? No... Rainbows are just light and illusion.
16. Are you trendy? I like hoodies... I hate jeans.
17. What do you do to vent anger? I write here.
18. Are you passive or aggressive? Passive.
19. Who is your idol? Matt Sharp, Dr. Frank, people that do what they want without thinking about the money.
20. Who is your second family? I don't really have a first family.
21. Do you trust others easily? I don't trust many people... I trust strangers a lot more than those I'm supposed to care about.
22. What was your favorite toy as a child? Toys? Child? Me? Anything I could wrestle.
23. What is the punch-line to your favorite joke? "That's not my belly button.... well that's not my finger."
24. Do you like sappy love songs? Sappy? No. Sincere? Yes.
25. Do you think your life so far has been good? No... not at all.
26. Which was your best Halloween costume? Robin from Batman.
27. Do you keep a diary? Not really... I keep this blog.
28. Have you ever intentionally hurt another person? Yes... I pushed someone off a chair once.
29. Do you like sarcasm? Depends...
30. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Not that I remember.
31. Do you always wear a seat belt? Yes... damn buses with no seat belts.
32. Do you drink milk? I suffer from... nevermind... no, I do not.
33. What is your stage name? Gigantic Asian Wang.
34. Did you pay money to see Honey I Shrunk The Kids? no
35. Would you rather be hot or cold? Cold and in many, many comforters.
36. What is the first thing on your Holiday list? Sigh... a hand in mine to feel.
37. Could you be a vegetarian? Yes... I don't really eat anymore.
38. What word do you use when you think something is good? grood - as in good... and great. Great and good.
39. Would you ever bungee jump? Yes... I sort of have a deathwish.
40. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? yes.
41. Who is your favorite boy band? Bay City Rollers.
42. Have you ever given money to a bum? Often.... I'm too nice.
43. What are you worried about right now? Oh... the rest of my life. If I'll ever fall in love again. If I'll ever see her again. If she and I are really done forever... really. I can keep going... will I get the sars? Will the next Weezer album be good?
44. Do you think you are strong (emotionally)? Not at all.
I had a long post, but I don't feel like posting it today - random quiz stolen from one of the many great blogs found on your right:
1. Name: Unimportant
2. There are 3 wells: love, friends, happiness. If you can drink from only 2 of them, which ones do you drink from? Friendship and love... friendship leads to love and love leads to happiness.
3. Do you wish on stars? To quote a song I once wrote "I wish on stars that are not there".
4. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you? Steve Buschemi.
5. What TV show or movie title bests describes your life? Reality Bites
6. What is the #1 priority in your life? I don't even think I have one anymore.
7. Do you have any bad habits? Many... bite my nails a lot lately. I'm a nervous wreck lately.
8. What store would you never be caught dead in? York Bookstore.
9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Probably not because I'm not the type of person to make friends.
10. Do you follow or lead? Neither.
11. Have you ever told a secret that you swore you wouldn't repeat? I know many secrets. I am a good vault.
12.Have you ever stolen anything? Many things.
13. Do looks matter? Not before, but I think they do now. I was once with a gorgeous woman and I can't be with an ugmo now.
14. Do you pray? I don't believe in God anymore.
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? No... Rainbows are just light and illusion.
16. Are you trendy? I like hoodies... I hate jeans.
17. What do you do to vent anger? I write here.
18. Are you passive or aggressive? Passive.
19. Who is your idol? Matt Sharp, Dr. Frank, people that do what they want without thinking about the money.
20. Who is your second family? I don't really have a first family.
21. Do you trust others easily? I don't trust many people... I trust strangers a lot more than those I'm supposed to care about.
22. What was your favorite toy as a child? Toys? Child? Me? Anything I could wrestle.
23. What is the punch-line to your favorite joke? "That's not my belly button.... well that's not my finger."
24. Do you like sappy love songs? Sappy? No. Sincere? Yes.
25. Do you think your life so far has been good? No... not at all.
26. Which was your best Halloween costume? Robin from Batman.
27. Do you keep a diary? Not really... I keep this blog.
28. Have you ever intentionally hurt another person? Yes... I pushed someone off a chair once.
29. Do you like sarcasm? Depends...
30. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Not that I remember.
31. Do you always wear a seat belt? Yes... damn buses with no seat belts.
32. Do you drink milk? I suffer from... nevermind... no, I do not.
33. What is your stage name? Gigantic Asian Wang.
34. Did you pay money to see Honey I Shrunk The Kids? no
35. Would you rather be hot or cold? Cold and in many, many comforters.
36. What is the first thing on your Holiday list? Sigh... a hand in mine to feel.
37. Could you be a vegetarian? Yes... I don't really eat anymore.
38. What word do you use when you think something is good? grood - as in good... and great. Great and good.
39. Would you ever bungee jump? Yes... I sort of have a deathwish.
40. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? yes.
41. Who is your favorite boy band? Bay City Rollers.
42. Have you ever given money to a bum? Often.... I'm too nice.
43. What are you worried about right now? Oh... the rest of my life. If I'll ever fall in love again. If I'll ever see her again. If she and I are really done forever... really. I can keep going... will I get the sars? Will the next Weezer album be good?
44. Do you think you are strong (emotionally)? Not at all.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Blah!!!
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel
That is all for today.
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel
That is all for today.
Music From A to Z
Favourite song by:
AC / DC: Back In Black
Backstreet Boys: I Want It That Way
Cars: My Best-Friend's Girl
Devo: Jocko Homo
Everclear: Santa Monica
Foo Fighters: Up In Arms
Green Day: Worry Rock
Hard Core Logo: China White
Iggy Pop: The Passenger
Jackson Five: I Want You Back
Kasey Chambers: Don't Go
Loverboy: Turn Me Loose
Motorhead: Ace of Spades
Nirvana: Where Did You Sleep Last Night
Oasis: Married With Children
Prince: When Doves Cry
Queen: Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Rentals: She Says It's Alright
Stone Temple Pilots: Lady Picture Show
Take That: Back For Good
U2: One
Vaselines: Molly's Lips
Weezer: Across The Sea
X: Johnny Hit And Run Paulene
Neil Young: Only Love Can Break Your Heart
Zuckerbaby: Shampoo
Favourite song by:
AC / DC: Back In Black
Backstreet Boys: I Want It That Way
Cars: My Best-Friend's Girl
Devo: Jocko Homo
Everclear: Santa Monica
Foo Fighters: Up In Arms
Green Day: Worry Rock
Hard Core Logo: China White
Iggy Pop: The Passenger
Jackson Five: I Want You Back
Kasey Chambers: Don't Go
Loverboy: Turn Me Loose
Motorhead: Ace of Spades
Nirvana: Where Did You Sleep Last Night
Oasis: Married With Children
Prince: When Doves Cry
Queen: Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Rentals: She Says It's Alright
Stone Temple Pilots: Lady Picture Show
Take That: Back For Good
U2: One
Vaselines: Molly's Lips
Weezer: Across The Sea
X: Johnny Hit And Run Paulene
Neil Young: Only Love Can Break Your Heart
Zuckerbaby: Shampoo
Monday, November 03, 2003
Kudos My Hero
So I met Matt Sharp on Saturday. Let me rephrase that, I, probably one of the biggest Rentals fans in the world, who in grade eight actually liked The Return of the Rentals more than the Blue Album, whose favourite album is slowly becoming Seven More Minutes, and who has loved the moog ever since he saw Matt on "Fax" (Much News) when he was in eighth grade, met Matt Sharp. Yup... I actually had the guts to go up to him this time. My cousin got his autograph. He was a really nice guy.
Excerpt from the cocert:
Ahem... I... err ah... I recorded the concert on my tape recorder so I hope to post some MP3s of the show sometime soon. Aside from "She Says It's Alright", Matt and Sara singing "Not Tonight" is one of my favourites, as well as a new T & S song that I do not know the title of.
On a side note, I've been trying to record my song about Sara all last night but there's something wrong with something. I think it's my patch chords. I'm out of money in my cheuqing account. I had $500 in there a month ago - minus books, food, tape recorder, and Tony Hawk and Smackdown. Yea, that's about $500. So patch chords will be my last purchase. Christmas shopping? I have to go Christmas shopping? Bah... good thing I hate my parents so I don't have to get them anything. And I don't know a thing about my brother anymore so I have no clue to what to get him... perhaps another book... eww. But I have to get him something since his birthday is so close to Christmas. I can't stiff him twice. And then there's my cousin and my aunts and uncles and my friends and the girl... I gave her my heart last year, maybe this year she'd like a food dehydrator? Jack Lalane Juice Tiger? Ab Isolator? Bedazzler? I do not know. I make about $70 a week ever since school started. I need to start saving.
1) Eat out once a week only.
2) Alternate accounts - one week deposit in savings, the next in cheuqing.
3) No more debit use - pay in cash only.
4) Do not use change jar money.
5) Record album and get rich and famous.
6) Meet Joel Madden and tell him how much you hate the way he bobs his head when singing "These are a few of her favourite things".
So I met Matt Sharp on Saturday. Let me rephrase that, I, probably one of the biggest Rentals fans in the world, who in grade eight actually liked The Return of the Rentals more than the Blue Album, whose favourite album is slowly becoming Seven More Minutes, and who has loved the moog ever since he saw Matt on "Fax" (Much News) when he was in eighth grade, met Matt Sharp. Yup... I actually had the guts to go up to him this time. My cousin got his autograph. He was a really nice guy.
Excerpt from the cocert:
Audience Member # 1: Play "She Says It's Alright".It was easily the best show I've ever been to. I don't know why, but it was much better than the same show I saw Thursday. I don't know why... the venue? It was like a hall. It reminded me of a prom or something. It was like a banquet hall kind of and it just had this prom feel to it. At least it didn't have that same eighth grade basement dance as the show in June.
Matt Sharp: Okay.
AM1: Yes!
Audience Member # 2: Play Barcelona.
Matt Sharp: No.
Ahem... I... err ah... I recorded the concert on my tape recorder so I hope to post some MP3s of the show sometime soon. Aside from "She Says It's Alright", Matt and Sara singing "Not Tonight" is one of my favourites, as well as a new T & S song that I do not know the title of.
On a side note, I've been trying to record my song about Sara all last night but there's something wrong with something. I think it's my patch chords. I'm out of money in my cheuqing account. I had $500 in there a month ago - minus books, food, tape recorder, and Tony Hawk and Smackdown. Yea, that's about $500. So patch chords will be my last purchase. Christmas shopping? I have to go Christmas shopping? Bah... good thing I hate my parents so I don't have to get them anything. And I don't know a thing about my brother anymore so I have no clue to what to get him... perhaps another book... eww. But I have to get him something since his birthday is so close to Christmas. I can't stiff him twice. And then there's my cousin and my aunts and uncles and my friends and the girl... I gave her my heart last year, maybe this year she'd like a food dehydrator? Jack Lalane Juice Tiger? Ab Isolator? Bedazzler? I do not know. I make about $70 a week ever since school started. I need to start saving.
1) Eat out once a week only.
2) Alternate accounts - one week deposit in savings, the next in cheuqing.
3) No more debit use - pay in cash only.
4) Do not use change jar money.
5) Record album and get rich and famous.
6) Meet Joel Madden and tell him how much you hate the way he bobs his head when singing "These are a few of her favourite things".
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Inner Dialogue
Head: You know you're losing her.
Heart: I know.
Head: You know she still loves you though.
Heart: I know.
Head: It's not the end of the world.
Heart: I know.
Head: So why so sad?
Heart: I'm not that sad.
Head: Yes you are.
Heart: No... I'm just tired. I'll be okay someday.
Head: At least we met Matt Sharp.
Heart: Yea. It broke me when he sang "She Says It's alright".
Head: I never should have told the lips to yell at him to play it.
Heart: It's okay.
Head: We've got our entire lives ahead of us. She's moving on with her life and so should we.
Heart: I know. It's just that she has people to move on with and I feel like I'm losing my best-friend.
Head: It happens.
Heart: It's your fault ya know.
Head: Me? What did I do?
Heart: Your paranoia. You thinking if it would ever happen. If we could ever make it. All of your fucking worry. You pushed her away and with her so far away already it feels like she's farther than ever before.
Head: Maybe it was my fault.
Heart: It was my fault too. We realized it too late.
Head: What too late?
Heart: That she's the most amazing, beautiful and all around hilarious person we'll ever know.
Head: Maybe we'll find someone else? Sara smiled at us once.
Heart: Tegan and Sara are gay.
Head: Together.
Heart: No, not together. Why are you the brains of this operation?
Head: You're not doing such a great job yourself.
Heart: I think I am. I felt love. I felt pain. We've gone through a lot.
Head: That's true.
(A Beat)
Head: I’ll make you a promise. We’ll get better one day.
Heart: Do you really think so?
Head: We can’t spend our life wishing on her again. It’s not our fault this didn’t happen.
Heart: It’s not hers.
Head: No, it’s definitely not hers.
Heart: So why did this happen?
Head: It just did. We can think about why this happened or why we’re not together or how we’ll never be together for the rest our lives, but what would be the point.
Heart: It’s just not fair that it happened.
Head: Life isn’t fair.
Heart: I just always thought that everyone gets something in life and we don’t have anything. For a brief moment we had everything and now we don’t have a thing.
Head: We’ve got something.
Heart: What?
Head: Well… There’s…
Heart: Exactly. We don’t have anything.
Head: She’s moved on, so should we.
Heart: But that’s the problem. I don’t want to move on. I’m still in love with her. I try to move on, but I still think of her. We do things to pass the time… we watch TV, we got to concerts, we play video games, we even do homework now, but the moment we’re alone, lying in bed, driving the Voyager, working on cash, we miss her.
Head: I know.
Heart: And it’s not that easy to just get over someone. It’s not easy to come to the truth. When you fall in love with your best-friend and you break-up, there’s no one there to cry to.
Head: We haven’t been crying that much anymore. Two weeks ago we were crying ourselves to sleep every night and now we don’t even cry when we hear Total Eclipse of the Heart.
Heart: It makes us laugh now because of Old School.
Head: True.
(A beat)
Head: We love her, right?
Heart: Yes… a lot.
Head: And we just want her to be happy.
Heart: Yea.
Head: Do you think she’s happy now?
Heart: -
Head: Be honest.
Heart: Yea. Yea, I do.
Head: She couldn’t wait around for us forever. Forget love, even being best-friends can’t withstand the distance.
Heart: That’s what hurts the most. I tried so hard at this. For the first time in our lives, I did the thinking. I was in control. I made the decisions. We worked together and wanted something. We really wanted something.
Head: And we failed?
Heart: Exactly. We failed.
Head: We did not fail.
Heart: What are you talking about? We’re all alone and lonely, how is that success?
Head: The point is she’s happy. She’s doing good now. Isn’t that all you ever really wanted.
Heart: Well, I’d rather have her in my arms, but yea, we’ve always just wanted her to be happy. I just thought we’d have a bigger role. We went from best friends to love back to best friends and now we’re just friends. I just wish we could be more special to her.
Head: We are. We’re probably too special.
Heart: What the fuck are you talking about?
Head: Do you think she likes us so far away? Do you think she wanted to fall in love with a guy a billion kilometres away? She couldn’t spend her life waiting on us and now we can’t spend ours waiting on her.
Heart (singing Waiting by the Rentals): Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Head: Exactly. She went on because she had to. We have to too.
Heart: I’m still in love with her.
Head: So am I.
Heart: And we’re never going to find anyone quite like her.
Head: I know.
Heart: But we’ve got to move on.
Head: Yes.
Heart: We’ll have to settle for a silver middle.
Head: No, gold. She was platinum.
Heart: Yea, she was.
Head: Sigh… you never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them.
Heart: I’ve always hated living without her.
Head: Yea.
Heart: She had the most amazing eyes.
Head: Yea.
Heart: And voice.
Head: Yea.
Heart: And nose.
Head: Yes, I am aware. She was drop dead gorgeous.
Heart: Okay, I’m done.
Head: Are you sure?
Heart: For now.
Head: That’s good.
Heart: I just hope we can find trust again.
Head: Not love?
Heart: No. Trust will have to do.
Head: Then trust it is.
Heart: I hope things between the girl get a little bit better now that we’re starting to get passed everything.
Head: Probably.
Heart: Have you given up?
Head: Honestly… no.
Heart: Neither have I.
Head: We love her too much.
Heart: I know.
Head: I really want a gyro.
Heart: From heart break to heart burn.
Head: You know you're losing her.
Heart: I know.
Head: You know she still loves you though.
Heart: I know.
Head: It's not the end of the world.
Heart: I know.
Head: So why so sad?
Heart: I'm not that sad.
Head: Yes you are.
Heart: No... I'm just tired. I'll be okay someday.
Head: At least we met Matt Sharp.
Heart: Yea. It broke me when he sang "She Says It's alright".
Head: I never should have told the lips to yell at him to play it.
Heart: It's okay.
Head: We've got our entire lives ahead of us. She's moving on with her life and so should we.
Heart: I know. It's just that she has people to move on with and I feel like I'm losing my best-friend.
Head: It happens.
Heart: It's your fault ya know.
Head: Me? What did I do?
Heart: Your paranoia. You thinking if it would ever happen. If we could ever make it. All of your fucking worry. You pushed her away and with her so far away already it feels like she's farther than ever before.
Head: Maybe it was my fault.
Heart: It was my fault too. We realized it too late.
Head: What too late?
Heart: That she's the most amazing, beautiful and all around hilarious person we'll ever know.
Head: Maybe we'll find someone else? Sara smiled at us once.
Heart: Tegan and Sara are gay.
Head: Together.
Heart: No, not together. Why are you the brains of this operation?
Head: You're not doing such a great job yourself.
Heart: I think I am. I felt love. I felt pain. We've gone through a lot.
Head: That's true.
(A Beat)
Head: I’ll make you a promise. We’ll get better one day.
Heart: Do you really think so?
Head: We can’t spend our life wishing on her again. It’s not our fault this didn’t happen.
Heart: It’s not hers.
Head: No, it’s definitely not hers.
Heart: So why did this happen?
Head: It just did. We can think about why this happened or why we’re not together or how we’ll never be together for the rest our lives, but what would be the point.
Heart: It’s just not fair that it happened.
Head: Life isn’t fair.
Heart: I just always thought that everyone gets something in life and we don’t have anything. For a brief moment we had everything and now we don’t have a thing.
Head: We’ve got something.
Heart: What?
Head: Well… There’s…
Heart: Exactly. We don’t have anything.
Head: She’s moved on, so should we.
Heart: But that’s the problem. I don’t want to move on. I’m still in love with her. I try to move on, but I still think of her. We do things to pass the time… we watch TV, we got to concerts, we play video games, we even do homework now, but the moment we’re alone, lying in bed, driving the Voyager, working on cash, we miss her.
Head: I know.
Heart: And it’s not that easy to just get over someone. It’s not easy to come to the truth. When you fall in love with your best-friend and you break-up, there’s no one there to cry to.
Head: We haven’t been crying that much anymore. Two weeks ago we were crying ourselves to sleep every night and now we don’t even cry when we hear Total Eclipse of the Heart.
Heart: It makes us laugh now because of Old School.
Head: True.
(A beat)
Head: We love her, right?
Heart: Yes… a lot.
Head: And we just want her to be happy.
Heart: Yea.
Head: Do you think she’s happy now?
Heart: -
Head: Be honest.
Heart: Yea. Yea, I do.
Head: She couldn’t wait around for us forever. Forget love, even being best-friends can’t withstand the distance.
Heart: That’s what hurts the most. I tried so hard at this. For the first time in our lives, I did the thinking. I was in control. I made the decisions. We worked together and wanted something. We really wanted something.
Head: And we failed?
Heart: Exactly. We failed.
Head: We did not fail.
Heart: What are you talking about? We’re all alone and lonely, how is that success?
Head: The point is she’s happy. She’s doing good now. Isn’t that all you ever really wanted.
Heart: Well, I’d rather have her in my arms, but yea, we’ve always just wanted her to be happy. I just thought we’d have a bigger role. We went from best friends to love back to best friends and now we’re just friends. I just wish we could be more special to her.
Head: We are. We’re probably too special.
Heart: What the fuck are you talking about?
Head: Do you think she likes us so far away? Do you think she wanted to fall in love with a guy a billion kilometres away? She couldn’t spend her life waiting on us and now we can’t spend ours waiting on her.
Heart (singing Waiting by the Rentals): Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Head: Exactly. She went on because she had to. We have to too.
Heart: I’m still in love with her.
Head: So am I.
Heart: And we’re never going to find anyone quite like her.
Head: I know.
Heart: But we’ve got to move on.
Head: Yes.
Heart: We’ll have to settle for a silver middle.
Head: No, gold. She was platinum.
Heart: Yea, she was.
Head: Sigh… you never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them.
Heart: I’ve always hated living without her.
Head: Yea.
Heart: She had the most amazing eyes.
Head: Yea.
Heart: And voice.
Head: Yea.
Heart: And nose.
Head: Yes, I am aware. She was drop dead gorgeous.
Heart: Okay, I’m done.
Head: Are you sure?
Heart: For now.
Head: That’s good.
Heart: I just hope we can find trust again.
Head: Not love?
Heart: No. Trust will have to do.
Head: Then trust it is.
Heart: I hope things between the girl get a little bit better now that we’re starting to get passed everything.
Head: Probably.
Heart: Have you given up?
Head: Honestly… no.
Heart: Neither have I.
Head: We love her too much.
Heart: I know.
Head: I really want a gyro.
Heart: From heart break to heart burn.
Friday, October 31, 2003
Why Are All The Good Ones Married or Gay?
I saw Tegan and Sara last night. It was a very good show. Matt Sharp on Moog... it's like seeing Picaso paint or Hendrix play guitar. At least, that's how it was for me. But an overall really fantastic show. I really wish I had made a bootleg, but oh well... there's always Saturday's show. I hope Matt and Sara do that song they did together again. And seeing Matt play with girls was kind of sad. It makes me miss the Rentals.
But anyways... enough gushing about twin lesbians.
I'm very tired today. It took me about four hours to get home. The 407 was at a stand still. Seriously, I did not budge for over an hour. I missed work too so I'm out a whopping $30. Everything seems like such a blur lately. The last two months have been uneventful and boring and sad. The little burst of good at the end of summer kind of ended when school started back up. Everything seems dull. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel lonely. I feel tired. I feel hungry. I feel horny. I feel jacked up. I feel sluggish. I feel small. I feel smart. I feel abused. I feel so... My mind, body and... I don't like the word soul... umm... emotions are just spent. I'm spent. Everything seems so momentary. It feels like everything we do and say and act upon now will just be forgotten in the future. There are those bursts of good things - concerts, TV shows, conversations - and they are great. I'm just looking for something that will last. I'm looking for a cheap high or something... perhaps I should get a paperbag and a can of spray paint (I kid). I'm running on empty. My gas meter is farther beyond the slash than ever before - Mr Krammer, the road! I just don't have the tolerance or drive or depth for anyone or anything right now. I want the world and I get this cell. I want to scream but it comes out a yawn.
Magnolia line: I really do have love to give; I just don't know where to put it.
Magnolia... you know that part in Magnolia where they all sing that Amiee Mann song? It reminds me of a suggestion that a friend gave to me about my cartoon where all sing "She Says It's Alright". Nanowrimo starts tonight, but I'm sleepy... I'm scatter brained. Here's a song... a song I wrote about Sara Quinn who apparently has some sort of power over guys (ie Matt Sharp, Ryan Adams)... at least, that's how it seems:
Anyone remember my blog from a year ago? I wrote a good long thing about the boy on the train? Well... he was right.
I should have went to sleep ages ago.
I saw Tegan and Sara last night. It was a very good show. Matt Sharp on Moog... it's like seeing Picaso paint or Hendrix play guitar. At least, that's how it was for me. But an overall really fantastic show. I really wish I had made a bootleg, but oh well... there's always Saturday's show. I hope Matt and Sara do that song they did together again. And seeing Matt play with girls was kind of sad. It makes me miss the Rentals.
But anyways... enough gushing about twin lesbians.
I'm very tired today. It took me about four hours to get home. The 407 was at a stand still. Seriously, I did not budge for over an hour. I missed work too so I'm out a whopping $30. Everything seems like such a blur lately. The last two months have been uneventful and boring and sad. The little burst of good at the end of summer kind of ended when school started back up. Everything seems dull. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel lonely. I feel tired. I feel hungry. I feel horny. I feel jacked up. I feel sluggish. I feel small. I feel smart. I feel abused. I feel so... My mind, body and... I don't like the word soul... umm... emotions are just spent. I'm spent. Everything seems so momentary. It feels like everything we do and say and act upon now will just be forgotten in the future. There are those bursts of good things - concerts, TV shows, conversations - and they are great. I'm just looking for something that will last. I'm looking for a cheap high or something... perhaps I should get a paperbag and a can of spray paint (I kid). I'm running on empty. My gas meter is farther beyond the slash than ever before - Mr Krammer, the road! I just don't have the tolerance or drive or depth for anyone or anything right now. I want the world and I get this cell. I want to scream but it comes out a yawn.
Magnolia line: I really do have love to give; I just don't know where to put it.
Magnolia... you know that part in Magnolia where they all sing that Amiee Mann song? It reminds me of a suggestion that a friend gave to me about my cartoon where all sing "She Says It's Alright". Nanowrimo starts tonight, but I'm sleepy... I'm scatter brained. Here's a song... a song I wrote about Sara Quinn who apparently has some sort of power over guys (ie Matt Sharp, Ryan Adams)... at least, that's how it seems:
So share todayI don't think there is a Sara anymore. I'd like there to be again, but I think my words and dreams and my millions of screams towards her are coming to an end. She will always be in my heart (and she weighs down my right side quite a bit with a Powerpuff Girl and a bracelet), but facts are facts, we'll never be as close as we used to be. We'll never be as close as I want us to be. She's moved on and I guess I have to too. Maybe I'll go back to the dreamer name as advised before... it's just time for me to get new dreams. Time for new goals, new people, maybe even a new love (now that the hats gone, I'm shaving regularly, and if those Axe body spray commercials have a grain of truth [though my female friend got checked out be more girls than I did at the concert last night])... I don't know. One of my favourite cliches is "You never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them." I don't know if that's true. I'm learning to live without her again... at least just less of her now. I don't know if I'd ever go cold turkey (what does that mean?). I would never want to. The idea of that happening makes me ever so sad. I feel like our closeness has gone down a great deal which makes me already sad enough. Honestly, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her (I still would actually), now I just want her to be anywhere and anything to me in anyway we can. Across the continent or across the street, she'll always be important to me.
Oh Sara look my way
Sara smile at me
And tell me it's okay
Anyone remember my blog from a year ago? I wrote a good long thing about the boy on the train? Well... he was right.
I should have went to sleep ages ago.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
What's Up?
I got bad news... it makes me sad. It's not about me personally... just things make me sad.
My van is fucked up but I will not miss Matt playing Moogs tomorrow. I will struggle on the Go Bus if that's what it takes.
I saw the new Blink video. Not that I like videos much, but this one I really didn't like. It didn't seem very Blink 182 like. Not that I was hoping for the usual humorous stuff, it's just that their older videos were always focused around them and this one sort of has a lot of weird visuals. Not really weird, but it's like you hardly see the band. And Tom has a Gibson? Why? It's weird seeing him without his one pick-up Strat.
Nothing eventful in my life... like there ever is. Sigh... tear drop... wipes eye. I've made a few decisions in my life:
1) I will no longer wear my hat. Yes, I know that many people have grown accustomed to the ugly old thing. Maybe you've even grown to like it... but it's gone forever. I came to this conclusion for a few a reasons - 1) My hair isn't shagging in my eyes anymore so I don't need it to keep my hair out of my face. 2) Everyone dislikes it... some people with a lot of passion. And 3) I eventually want to attract someone of the opposite sex again and every girl I've ever known has hated the hat -- I think I will burn it.
2) I will shave every other day. It's 1991, I don't hang out in coffee houses, and I already look old enough.
3) Try not to slouch. I've been trying not to slouch as much lately... this should be self-explanatory.
I guess I'm trying to better myself.
I got bad news... it makes me sad. It's not about me personally... just things make me sad.
My van is fucked up but I will not miss Matt playing Moogs tomorrow. I will struggle on the Go Bus if that's what it takes.
I saw the new Blink video. Not that I like videos much, but this one I really didn't like. It didn't seem very Blink 182 like. Not that I was hoping for the usual humorous stuff, it's just that their older videos were always focused around them and this one sort of has a lot of weird visuals. Not really weird, but it's like you hardly see the band. And Tom has a Gibson? Why? It's weird seeing him without his one pick-up Strat.
Nothing eventful in my life... like there ever is. Sigh... tear drop... wipes eye. I've made a few decisions in my life:
1) I will no longer wear my hat. Yes, I know that many people have grown accustomed to the ugly old thing. Maybe you've even grown to like it... but it's gone forever. I came to this conclusion for a few a reasons - 1) My hair isn't shagging in my eyes anymore so I don't need it to keep my hair out of my face. 2) Everyone dislikes it... some people with a lot of passion. And 3) I eventually want to attract someone of the opposite sex again and every girl I've ever known has hated the hat -- I think I will burn it.
2) I will shave every other day. It's 1991, I don't hang out in coffee houses, and I already look old enough.
3) Try not to slouch. I've been trying not to slouch as much lately... this should be self-explanatory.
I guess I'm trying to better myself.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Ahh...
I went on a dry Christmas Shopping run. I'm thinking about what I can get people. I'm planning on getting my album done by early December and give them out instead of cards, but I don't know if I can get that to work now because my brother's computer is now 100% dead. I'm starting to think about what to get people. My cousin and I have decided to go halfs this year which will work wonders on our college/university bank accounts.
I searched all over for the new Tony Hawk game... apparently to get something on the day of it's release you have to pre-order it. Pretty ridiculous. I would have settled for the Smackdown, but once again, you must preorder... battards.
Seeing Matt Sharp and Tegan and Sara this week. Excited about the moogs. I'm hoping to hear "You Went Away" with some signature Matt Sharp riffs behind them. Anticipating to weep at "She Says It's Alright" and many others from Seven More Minutes. Looking forward to seeing people I haven't seen in awhile.
Thinking of joining that Nanowrimo or whatever it's called thing soon.
Slowly recovering from my lack of motivation last week.
And finally... I got batteries for my electric toothbrush. My mouth feels so much better.
Mood: Meh
Current Music: Different Class by Pulp
I went on a dry Christmas Shopping run. I'm thinking about what I can get people. I'm planning on getting my album done by early December and give them out instead of cards, but I don't know if I can get that to work now because my brother's computer is now 100% dead. I'm starting to think about what to get people. My cousin and I have decided to go halfs this year which will work wonders on our college/university bank accounts.
I searched all over for the new Tony Hawk game... apparently to get something on the day of it's release you have to pre-order it. Pretty ridiculous. I would have settled for the Smackdown, but once again, you must preorder... battards.
Seeing Matt Sharp and Tegan and Sara this week. Excited about the moogs. I'm hoping to hear "You Went Away" with some signature Matt Sharp riffs behind them. Anticipating to weep at "She Says It's Alright" and many others from Seven More Minutes. Looking forward to seeing people I haven't seen in awhile.
Thinking of joining that Nanowrimo or whatever it's called thing soon.
Slowly recovering from my lack of motivation last week.
And finally... I got batteries for my electric toothbrush. My mouth feels so much better.
Mood: Meh
Current Music: Different Class by Pulp
I Think Therefore I Suck
I've always hated Rene Descartes. Firstly, the whole french thing. There's only two things I like about the french, Poutine and Simple Plan. But "I think therefore I am"? Shouldn't it be I do therefore I am. Because if you just sat and thought you wouldn't really be anything but a paperweight. Just a thought.
I've always hated Rene Descartes. Firstly, the whole french thing. There's only two things I like about the french, Poutine and Simple Plan. But "I think therefore I am"? Shouldn't it be I do therefore I am. Because if you just sat and thought you wouldn't really be anything but a paperweight. Just a thought.
Monday, October 27, 2003
A Chat With a Baby
So I had a nice long chat with a baby... they listen really well. Here's how it went.
So I had a nice long chat with a baby... they listen really well. Here's how it went.
Boy and girl are in living room with a baby. They are watching Pretty In Pink.
Girl: I have to go to the washroom. Can you just watch her for a second?
Boy: Are you sure? I've never really been left alone with a baby before.
Girl: You'll be fine. And I'll just be in the bathroom.
Girl lifts baby and puts on the boy's lap.
Boy: Hey Jazz-mine.
Baby looks at boy.
Boy: Why do you look so sad?
Baby tugs at boy's hip. Boy unlatches trinket from his belt loop.
Boy: Oh, you wanna play with Buttercup? My best-friend gave this to me. She loves this movie. I love her. She says "I'm off like a dirty shirt" constantly.
TV: I live my life to like you.
Boy: I'm so Duckie. Duckie deserves the girl because he really loves that girl. He'll probably never fall in love again. He loves her way more than that guy from Weekend at Bernie's. The two of them probably live happily ever after while Duckie now lives with Charlie Sheen. You have no idea what I'm saying, but it's not like anyone else does either.
Baby bites on his little finger.
Boy: Don't you ever grow up. You're destined to be such a heart breaker. God Damn you half Filipino girls. There's this two year old you're destined to hook up with. You'd make even cuter babies than the two of you combined. Don't you ever grow up.
Boy begins to rub the baby's head under his chin.
Friday, October 24, 2003
The Cure
A Letter to Elise - You're in love, but out of a
relationship. You knew it was going to end, but
you held on. Or...you're in love but not loved
in return.
Which Song By The Cure Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
A Letter to Elise - You're in love, but out of a
relationship. You knew it was going to end, but
you held on. Or...you're in love but not loved
in return.
Which Song By The Cure Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
An Early Day
I've posted twice before probably any of my readers even wake up. It's a weird day for me today. Things running through my head, cold surrounding my body, dreams floating away... Reality has never been something with inside of me. I've never been good with it. And life is real. I can't pretend anymore. Maybe my brother, the multi-orgasmic man (I will never get over that), is right. Maybe I should just grow up... but that wouldn't be real either. That would just be pretending to grow up. I don't know. I don't see myself outgrowing many of my traits. I like been immature and loving music and writing and talking about nothing and watching TV and movies and whatever... I'm not going to change for the sake of change.
Do I regret anything? Many things. I don't let go of things easily. When something is important to me I cherish it. I'll pursue it. I'll try my hardest. But like I said before, your best sometimes isn't good enough.
Good morning...
I've posted twice before probably any of my readers even wake up. It's a weird day for me today. Things running through my head, cold surrounding my body, dreams floating away... Reality has never been something with inside of me. I've never been good with it. And life is real. I can't pretend anymore. Maybe my brother, the multi-orgasmic man (I will never get over that), is right. Maybe I should just grow up... but that wouldn't be real either. That would just be pretending to grow up. I don't know. I don't see myself outgrowing many of my traits. I like been immature and loving music and writing and talking about nothing and watching TV and movies and whatever... I'm not going to change for the sake of change.
Do I regret anything? Many things. I don't let go of things easily. When something is important to me I cherish it. I'll pursue it. I'll try my hardest. But like I said before, your best sometimes isn't good enough.
Good morning...
4 AM
I'm up.
I'm tired.
I'm cold.
It's dark.
I'm up before Stern.
I will not get home until 9 PM.
My glasses are tear stained.
My feet are freezing.
I'm awake.
I'm up.
I'm tired.
I'm cold.
It's dark.
I'm up before Stern.
I will not get home until 9 PM.
My glasses are tear stained.
My feet are freezing.
I'm awake.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Dumb
My heart is broke, but I have some glue. Help me inhale and mend it with you.
I think it's official. It's over. Gone and for good. A part of me has died today. Dreaming... I'm not going to do that anymore. I just don't want to. I realized today, actually awhile ago, but it came out today, that it's really impossible. I love this person... a lot. And she loves me. And there's no doubt in my mind that if we were together then we would be good together. Happy? Happy is a strong word that really isn't applicable in reality. But good together? I think so. And facts are facts, it's pretty much impossible. And no matter how hard it is for me to admit, no matter how many tears come down my eyes, no matter how much we want it, it's pretty much impossible.
I'm 21 years old. I don't have many prospects for the future. I lost a girlfriend who I felt as good as married in my mind too. And I don't know if I'll ever get over this. That first love is the one you measure the rest to and I don't know how anyone can measure up to her. She saved my life. She was my best-friend. She owns my flower (such a queer). So how does someone just match up with that? I don't know. Maybe I just accept the dissapointment? I just take it for what it's worth and lower my standards. She was the cutest knife in the drawer and I live in a world where all I see is ugly (Age of Electric song by the way).
I heard the nay-saying when I decided to go into a long distance relationship. They said it was impossible, but I didn't listen. I thought we could actually make it work. But I was wrong and you were right. I hope you are happy.
We will stay friends though. I refuse not having that.
I look at my life, and I see myself alone. I'm far too shy to meet new people. I'm far too ugly to get someone as pretty as her. I'm far to weird for anyone to even like me. How many people do you know that will love the following - Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange, Iron Man by Sabbath, What I Like About You starring Amanda Bynes, The Porographer's Poem by Michael Turner, and Josie and The Pussy Cats? I have diverse tastes and loves and hates and desires. I'm a weirdo. I just don't feel like sharring that with anyone anymore.
I know I'll probably get a bunch of "It will be okay" e-mail and phone calls and I'll thank-you in advance. It's just that, heartbreak is not a feeling you get used to. Heartbreaker! (No heartbreaker!). This will take a long time for me to heal. It's like people get divorced and some people get over it quickly while others don't at all. I don't know where I'll fall in.
In the end... I still love you. Always... Your friend across the sea.
My heart is broke, but I have some glue. Help me inhale and mend it with you.
I think it's official. It's over. Gone and for good. A part of me has died today. Dreaming... I'm not going to do that anymore. I just don't want to. I realized today, actually awhile ago, but it came out today, that it's really impossible. I love this person... a lot. And she loves me. And there's no doubt in my mind that if we were together then we would be good together. Happy? Happy is a strong word that really isn't applicable in reality. But good together? I think so. And facts are facts, it's pretty much impossible. And no matter how hard it is for me to admit, no matter how many tears come down my eyes, no matter how much we want it, it's pretty much impossible.
I'm 21 years old. I don't have many prospects for the future. I lost a girlfriend who I felt as good as married in my mind too. And I don't know if I'll ever get over this. That first love is the one you measure the rest to and I don't know how anyone can measure up to her. She saved my life. She was my best-friend. She owns my flower (such a queer). So how does someone just match up with that? I don't know. Maybe I just accept the dissapointment? I just take it for what it's worth and lower my standards. She was the cutest knife in the drawer and I live in a world where all I see is ugly (Age of Electric song by the way).
I heard the nay-saying when I decided to go into a long distance relationship. They said it was impossible, but I didn't listen. I thought we could actually make it work. But I was wrong and you were right. I hope you are happy.
We will stay friends though. I refuse not having that.
I look at my life, and I see myself alone. I'm far too shy to meet new people. I'm far too ugly to get someone as pretty as her. I'm far to weird for anyone to even like me. How many people do you know that will love the following - Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange, Iron Man by Sabbath, What I Like About You starring Amanda Bynes, The Porographer's Poem by Michael Turner, and Josie and The Pussy Cats? I have diverse tastes and loves and hates and desires. I'm a weirdo. I just don't feel like sharring that with anyone anymore.
I know I'll probably get a bunch of "It will be okay" e-mail and phone calls and I'll thank-you in advance. It's just that, heartbreak is not a feeling you get used to. Heartbreaker! (No heartbreaker!). This will take a long time for me to heal. It's like people get divorced and some people get over it quickly while others don't at all. I don't know where I'll fall in.
In the end... I still love you. Always... Your friend across the sea.
New
I'm now in blue. It kind of reminds me of a backwards Blue album. I didn't mean to turn in all blue at first. I just wanted to change the links to yellow, but I changed the font to blue by accident and liked it. Also, a new blog description - "You Went Away" by Tegan and Sara. I'm looking for a new outlook on life as well... I just can't find one. All my life I've just wanted to get some order in my life. But it's all just chaos. It's a bunch of random events that just happens for no reason. There's no fate or destiny, in fact, as of late, the idea of "God" has completely been erased from my mind. If there was a god then why do girls get raped? Why do children get molested? Why are there wars? Why does Cuba Gooding Jr. make such bad movies (Snow Dogs)?
I'm not going to be one of those people that preach about beliefs, wanting others to feel the exact same way, but I'll just say this - You go to a magic show and the magician makes a woman disappear. Automatically we think "How did he do that? What's the trick? There has to be an explanation." Usually the beautiful woman just sneaks out of a compartment out of the back. Now in a magic show we want an explanation, but when it comes to the existence of the universe most people just accept the notion of magic in believing that it was god that created everything, this all powerful being that wears sandals. Why is it with something so insignificant we look for explanations, but with something so vast we just accept the magic. Not that I'm preaching. It's just a thought.
Instead of trying to put order on the chaos that is life, I've decided to just embrace it. Just take all of this chaos and just like the way it is. Understanding that everything isn't meant to be. Understand that your heart gets broken. Understand that dreams don't come true. Understand that hope is a dangerous thing. Understand that your best isn't always good enough. Understand that sadness isn't all that bad. Understand that being extremely shy isn't the end of the world. Understand that being alone doesn't mean you can't find something to make you happy. Understand that your dreams cannot always come true. Understand disappointment. Understand that your brother is a multiorgasmic man. Understand that you don't understand one word that your parents say. Understand that friendship might be good as being in love. Understand that you might have to settle for a place lower on the totem pole. Understand that life is jacked up.
I have been going through El Scorcho withdrawl as of late. And damn Maladroit for not working on my computer because I really want to jump around listening to Dope Nose. Today's my last day of hell at school. Mid-term today and I'm pretty much done for awhile. Huzzah! Anyone in the mood for a celebration big gulp or slurpee (I refuse 7-11's new "Slurp & Gulp") send me an e-mail.
I'm now in blue. It kind of reminds me of a backwards Blue album. I didn't mean to turn in all blue at first. I just wanted to change the links to yellow, but I changed the font to blue by accident and liked it. Also, a new blog description - "You Went Away" by Tegan and Sara. I'm looking for a new outlook on life as well... I just can't find one. All my life I've just wanted to get some order in my life. But it's all just chaos. It's a bunch of random events that just happens for no reason. There's no fate or destiny, in fact, as of late, the idea of "God" has completely been erased from my mind. If there was a god then why do girls get raped? Why do children get molested? Why are there wars? Why does Cuba Gooding Jr. make such bad movies (Snow Dogs)?
I'm not going to be one of those people that preach about beliefs, wanting others to feel the exact same way, but I'll just say this - You go to a magic show and the magician makes a woman disappear. Automatically we think "How did he do that? What's the trick? There has to be an explanation." Usually the beautiful woman just sneaks out of a compartment out of the back. Now in a magic show we want an explanation, but when it comes to the existence of the universe most people just accept the notion of magic in believing that it was god that created everything, this all powerful being that wears sandals. Why is it with something so insignificant we look for explanations, but with something so vast we just accept the magic. Not that I'm preaching. It's just a thought.
Instead of trying to put order on the chaos that is life, I've decided to just embrace it. Just take all of this chaos and just like the way it is. Understanding that everything isn't meant to be. Understand that your heart gets broken. Understand that dreams don't come true. Understand that hope is a dangerous thing. Understand that your best isn't always good enough. Understand that sadness isn't all that bad. Understand that being extremely shy isn't the end of the world. Understand that being alone doesn't mean you can't find something to make you happy. Understand that your dreams cannot always come true. Understand disappointment. Understand that your brother is a multiorgasmic man. Understand that you don't understand one word that your parents say. Understand that friendship might be good as being in love. Understand that you might have to settle for a place lower on the totem pole. Understand that life is jacked up.
I have been going through El Scorcho withdrawl as of late. And damn Maladroit for not working on my computer because I really want to jump around listening to Dope Nose. Today's my last day of hell at school. Mid-term today and I'm pretty much done for awhile. Huzzah! Anyone in the mood for a celebration big gulp or slurpee (I refuse 7-11's new "Slurp & Gulp") send me an e-mail.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
I Tried To Like Sitar Music
That's a Field of Dreams quote by the way.
I'm in one of the libraries in which I cannot access my e-mail... of course I can't. Do you know that feeling you get when a lot of your dreams seem impossible? When everything you ever wanted just seems impossible? You focus on something so hard and you want it so bad and you try, you know you try, you try, and all you can do is watch it pass you by? Yea... I've got that right now. The crying myself to sleep, the sadness of being so alone, the stomach pains, the morning wood, the broken dreams, the broken heart, the empty head, the saddened eyes... I just don't know what to do. I'm being direct and discreet at the same time. It just feels like things are impossible... I tried so hard and got so far and in the end... Oh Linkin Park, how the hell do I like Linkin Park as of late? Maybe because I've learned how to scream. Anyone interested in making the trek to a Guelph high school on November 19 give me a call. I know, it's on the same night as Gilmore Girls, but you can tape it... I know I will be. This is a really scatter brained post. I haven't even started a new paragraph yet I've talked about so many useless things.
New Strokes album coming out soon. I wonder if anyone's going to care. I like the Strokes. I think they're okay. Actually, the Strokes remind me of a really bad day in my life. I saw them live just about a year ago on one of the worst days of my life. Anyways... I think this whole post-modern garage rock thing has just gotten really stale and boring. I cannot stand the White Stripes as of late. I don't know if it's Jack White's Moustache or the brace on his hand, he's just been annoying me. Other things that annoy me - Joel Madden's arm thing when he sing "Money" and the way he bobs his head singing "These are a few of her favourite things". But I like Good Charlotte. I think they're the best band in the world right now actually. At least until Blink's new Album comes out... and then when Green Day's new album. And then Weezer. And of course Matt Sharp and MTX have new albums on the way. It should be a very good year. And of course my album should be done by mid decemember. I've done the basic tracks on a three songs already. One is called the Clapping Song, complete with hand claps a la "My Best Friend's Girl" and "Photograph". I've also finished the tracks on a song called "Something Real" and "Sara Smiled At Me". Sara Smiled at me is my favourite thus far. I'll post the instrumentals soon... although it will only play on Winamp and the two people I want to hear them the most probably don't have winamp. I've also done the tracks for a song called "Mariangela", a song about a friend of mine. One day I just realized that every single song I've written over the last year was about someone out there who is reading this right now and I just thought that I should write about someone else for once. It's a song about friendship...
I've really lost my knack for putting order within these posts. Perhaps I'm becoming a post-modernist. Instead of trying to put order on the caos, perhaps I'm just embracing it now. My hands hurt like hell for some reason. I've been playing a lot of guitar. Carple tunnel syndrome like Mike Dirnt? Probabbly... I'll just add it to my list of ailments. It really sucks having so many illnesses and no medical insurance. Damn Jecho. I feel like having breakfast.
I'm done... and I also like the blue text. What does everyone think? It was by accident, but I like it. Please leave your comments... and someone tell me what they think of my album cover. Alas, I'm still in love with her.
That's a Field of Dreams quote by the way.
I'm in one of the libraries in which I cannot access my e-mail... of course I can't. Do you know that feeling you get when a lot of your dreams seem impossible? When everything you ever wanted just seems impossible? You focus on something so hard and you want it so bad and you try, you know you try, you try, and all you can do is watch it pass you by? Yea... I've got that right now. The crying myself to sleep, the sadness of being so alone, the stomach pains, the morning wood, the broken dreams, the broken heart, the empty head, the saddened eyes... I just don't know what to do. I'm being direct and discreet at the same time. It just feels like things are impossible... I tried so hard and got so far and in the end... Oh Linkin Park, how the hell do I like Linkin Park as of late? Maybe because I've learned how to scream. Anyone interested in making the trek to a Guelph high school on November 19 give me a call. I know, it's on the same night as Gilmore Girls, but you can tape it... I know I will be. This is a really scatter brained post. I haven't even started a new paragraph yet I've talked about so many useless things.
New Strokes album coming out soon. I wonder if anyone's going to care. I like the Strokes. I think they're okay. Actually, the Strokes remind me of a really bad day in my life. I saw them live just about a year ago on one of the worst days of my life. Anyways... I think this whole post-modern garage rock thing has just gotten really stale and boring. I cannot stand the White Stripes as of late. I don't know if it's Jack White's Moustache or the brace on his hand, he's just been annoying me. Other things that annoy me - Joel Madden's arm thing when he sing "Money" and the way he bobs his head singing "These are a few of her favourite things". But I like Good Charlotte. I think they're the best band in the world right now actually. At least until Blink's new Album comes out... and then when Green Day's new album. And then Weezer. And of course Matt Sharp and MTX have new albums on the way. It should be a very good year. And of course my album should be done by mid decemember. I've done the basic tracks on a three songs already. One is called the Clapping Song, complete with hand claps a la "My Best Friend's Girl" and "Photograph". I've also finished the tracks on a song called "Something Real" and "Sara Smiled At Me". Sara Smiled at me is my favourite thus far. I'll post the instrumentals soon... although it will only play on Winamp and the two people I want to hear them the most probably don't have winamp. I've also done the tracks for a song called "Mariangela", a song about a friend of mine. One day I just realized that every single song I've written over the last year was about someone out there who is reading this right now and I just thought that I should write about someone else for once. It's a song about friendship...
I've really lost my knack for putting order within these posts. Perhaps I'm becoming a post-modernist. Instead of trying to put order on the caos, perhaps I'm just embracing it now. My hands hurt like hell for some reason. I've been playing a lot of guitar. Carple tunnel syndrome like Mike Dirnt? Probabbly... I'll just add it to my list of ailments. It really sucks having so many illnesses and no medical insurance. Damn Jecho. I feel like having breakfast.
I'm done... and I also like the blue text. What does everyone think? It was by accident, but I like it. Please leave your comments... and someone tell me what they think of my album cover. Alas, I'm still in love with her.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
For You To Notice
I was watching the news earlier and there was a story on The Santa Claus Parade. My store is filled fill with Christmas Crap that hasn't been sold over the years. And I hear that it might snow tonight. It's October 21st, Halloween hasn't even past yet it seems like it's almost Christmas. I have no money. I have a couple of hundred dollars in the bank and that's it. So I've been thinking and brainstorming over gifts that won't cost much. And then it hit me - a CD. So I'm making a CD. It's going to be really cheap sounding, but I'm making it and hope to have it done by early December. I've already got the album cover, all the sounds are running in my head, and I got the Impulse Tracker running on my brother's computer. So it should just be a matter of time before I finish it... just not this week for it's hell. Two mid-terms - one Tomorrow which I have no idea what it's about, and one on Thursday, once again, no clue.
So I auditioned for my cousin's high school talent show yesterday. We totally kicked ass. We started playing in front of like 6 people and by the time were were done there were like 15 people in the room jumping around. It was fun. A tear fell during Miles Away by Goldfinger... but anyways. It was weird. Is it true that girls like guys with guitars because a girl was like giving me "ga ga" eyes yesterday. Of course she was like 14 or something so she just might have been starring at the powerpuff girl that never leaves my hip... I don't know. Maybe her mother's good looking? Maybe her name's Stacey? Eww... Rachel Hunter.
Babbling... In a word, I've cried my sleep the last few nights on my cousin's sofa. Nothing like crying yourself to sleep on your own bed. My thin, thin bed...
I feel like I haven't seen anyone in years. Can't wait for next week.
I was watching the news earlier and there was a story on The Santa Claus Parade. My store is filled fill with Christmas Crap that hasn't been sold over the years. And I hear that it might snow tonight. It's October 21st, Halloween hasn't even past yet it seems like it's almost Christmas. I have no money. I have a couple of hundred dollars in the bank and that's it. So I've been thinking and brainstorming over gifts that won't cost much. And then it hit me - a CD. So I'm making a CD. It's going to be really cheap sounding, but I'm making it and hope to have it done by early December. I've already got the album cover, all the sounds are running in my head, and I got the Impulse Tracker running on my brother's computer. So it should just be a matter of time before I finish it... just not this week for it's hell. Two mid-terms - one Tomorrow which I have no idea what it's about, and one on Thursday, once again, no clue.
So I auditioned for my cousin's high school talent show yesterday. We totally kicked ass. We started playing in front of like 6 people and by the time were were done there were like 15 people in the room jumping around. It was fun. A tear fell during Miles Away by Goldfinger... but anyways. It was weird. Is it true that girls like guys with guitars because a girl was like giving me "ga ga" eyes yesterday. Of course she was like 14 or something so she just might have been starring at the powerpuff girl that never leaves my hip... I don't know. Maybe her mother's good looking? Maybe her name's Stacey? Eww... Rachel Hunter.
Babbling... In a word, I've cried my sleep the last few nights on my cousin's sofa. Nothing like crying yourself to sleep on your own bed. My thin, thin bed...
I feel like I haven't seen anyone in years. Can't wait for next week.
Friday, October 17, 2003
Obviously
You're "Across the Sea". Love seems to
have nothing to do with you, but you can't help
hoping that there's someone in your future . .
. far away. Don't give up; there's always
Frequent Flyer miles.
Which Song from Weezer's Pinkerton are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Across the Sea! You know what you want
isn't right...but you can't resign yourself to
that fact. Just don't break any statutory rape
laws, please.
What weezer Song is your Love Life Like?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are PINKERTON!!!
Which Weezer Album Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're "Across the Sea". Love seems to
have nothing to do with you, but you can't help
hoping that there's someone in your future . .
. far away. Don't give up; there's always
Frequent Flyer miles.
Which Song from Weezer's Pinkerton are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Across the Sea! You know what you want
isn't right...but you can't resign yourself to
that fact. Just don't break any statutory rape
laws, please.
What weezer Song is your Love Life Like?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are PINKERTON!!!
Which Weezer Album Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Rape Of The Ear
There are things within my mind I don't feel like talking about yet... or maybe I'm not willing to admit too. Perhaps I've known for the longest time about these feelings but I couldn't get them out or didn't want to face up to the facts... I don't know. I just don't feel like facing up yet.
Anyways. I woke up today and went to school. Oddly, I took the bus by myself. Seriously, it was just me and the bus driver on the 8:30 Bramalea GO express to York U. So I get to school and cut through the Central Square cafeteria, really needing to go to the bathroom, and I hear a very familiar solo. "Striptease" by Hawksley Workman. I love that song. I don't think I've ever heard the song on the radio before. It's so nice not to have your ears raped. I work at a pharmacy and subject to songs that I probably never would have heard if it wasn't for the blasted at work sounds of Chum FM. I hate the fact that I've heard horrible Canadian songs like "I'm a Hippie" and Barlow. I hate the fact that I've probably heard Celine Dion's poor attempt at Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night". I hate that I know the "Ultimate Love Song" is by Gavin Hope, which isn't really a love song at all. It's actually a song about writing a love song. I wonder if he ever got around to it? And it would be no Josie by Blink 182 which I feel is the greatest love song of all time. I hate that "The Remedy" by Jason Muraz is in my head at awkward moments of the day. Who is this guy? Well, you got Dave Matthews, then John Mayer is like a pop Dave Matthews, and this guy is like a watered down John Mayer. I hate that "White Flag" by Dido has an annoying bell in the song because my store uses a bell to ask for help and everytime the song plays I think that someone needs help. I hate that hearing Kelly Clarkson, Michelle Branch, and Shania Twain every five seconds. Raping of my ears.
I'd say 90% of the music I hear at work is just not worth listening to. Only songs I might hear that I find tolerable, some I even like - "Why Can't I" by Liz Phair, "Under the Bridge" by RHCP, "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer, and anything by the Bare Naked Ladies. Songs I really hate - "Careless Whisper" by Wham (It's just that saxaphone intro that I cannot stand), any Celine Dion, Matchbox 20, or Nickelback, and I especially hate "The Power of Love" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
So I've made an album cover. Many a person has complimented me on it with an "aww... (fill in nice or cute comment)". Feel free to comment... Click here to see all my pictures... the album cover and track listing are on the bottom.
And Finally, yesterday's post got cut off at the end...
Quick song favourites:
Metal Song: Ironman by Black Sabbath
Punk Song: Worry Rock by Green Day
Rap Song: Umm... Regulate by Warren G
Dance song: I don't dance... umm... Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin
Regae song: I don't know... Redemption Song by Bob Marley is okay.
50's: Oh Boy! by Buddy Holly
60's: God Only Knows by the Beach Boys
70's: I Want to Want me by Cheap Trick
80's: Boys Don't Cry by The Cure
Song by a Teen Pop Sensation: I Wanna be with you by Mandy Moore
Song about sex: Your Body is a wonderland by John Mayer (or maybe a DMX song)
Rap/Metal song: Faint by Linkin Park
Love Song: Josie by Blink 182
Song about a girl across the Sea: She Says It's Alright by The Rentals
Break up song: Dammit by Blink 182 (Mark rules as of late)
Happy song: Getting By by the Rentals
Funny Song: Because I Got High by Afroman
Funny Song that isn't meant to be funny: Hero by Chad Krueger and Josie Scott (Yes, I know, Nickelback, but it's hilarious once you've heard it a billion times)
Hopeful song: Don't Let Go by Weezer (There has to be a weezer song)
Guitar Riff: Dope Nose by Weezer
Guitar solo: Say It Ain't So by Weezr
Lead Guitar: I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick (Will this ever change)
Bassline: Say It Ain't So by Weezer (Matt!!!)
Drums: Everlong by Foo Fighters
Guilty Pleasure: Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield by Jimmy The Mouth of the South Heart (Yes, the wrestling guy)
There are things within my mind I don't feel like talking about yet... or maybe I'm not willing to admit too. Perhaps I've known for the longest time about these feelings but I couldn't get them out or didn't want to face up to the facts... I don't know. I just don't feel like facing up yet.
Anyways. I woke up today and went to school. Oddly, I took the bus by myself. Seriously, it was just me and the bus driver on the 8:30 Bramalea GO express to York U. So I get to school and cut through the Central Square cafeteria, really needing to go to the bathroom, and I hear a very familiar solo. "Striptease" by Hawksley Workman. I love that song. I don't think I've ever heard the song on the radio before. It's so nice not to have your ears raped. I work at a pharmacy and subject to songs that I probably never would have heard if it wasn't for the blasted at work sounds of Chum FM. I hate the fact that I've heard horrible Canadian songs like "I'm a Hippie" and Barlow. I hate the fact that I've probably heard Celine Dion's poor attempt at Cyndi Lauper's "I Drove All Night". I hate that I know the "Ultimate Love Song" is by Gavin Hope, which isn't really a love song at all. It's actually a song about writing a love song. I wonder if he ever got around to it? And it would be no Josie by Blink 182 which I feel is the greatest love song of all time. I hate that "The Remedy" by Jason Muraz is in my head at awkward moments of the day. Who is this guy? Well, you got Dave Matthews, then John Mayer is like a pop Dave Matthews, and this guy is like a watered down John Mayer. I hate that "White Flag" by Dido has an annoying bell in the song because my store uses a bell to ask for help and everytime the song plays I think that someone needs help. I hate that hearing Kelly Clarkson, Michelle Branch, and Shania Twain every five seconds. Raping of my ears.
I'd say 90% of the music I hear at work is just not worth listening to. Only songs I might hear that I find tolerable, some I even like - "Why Can't I" by Liz Phair, "Under the Bridge" by RHCP, "Your Body is a Wonderland" by John Mayer, and anything by the Bare Naked Ladies. Songs I really hate - "Careless Whisper" by Wham (It's just that saxaphone intro that I cannot stand), any Celine Dion, Matchbox 20, or Nickelback, and I especially hate "The Power of Love" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
So I've made an album cover. Many a person has complimented me on it with an "aww... (fill in nice or cute comment)". Feel free to comment... Click here to see all my pictures... the album cover and track listing are on the bottom.
And Finally, yesterday's post got cut off at the end...
Quick song favourites:
Metal Song: Ironman by Black Sabbath
Punk Song: Worry Rock by Green Day
Rap Song: Umm... Regulate by Warren G
Dance song: I don't dance... umm... Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin
Regae song: I don't know... Redemption Song by Bob Marley is okay.
50's: Oh Boy! by Buddy Holly
60's: God Only Knows by the Beach Boys
70's: I Want to Want me by Cheap Trick
80's: Boys Don't Cry by The Cure
Song by a Teen Pop Sensation: I Wanna be with you by Mandy Moore
Song about sex: Your Body is a wonderland by John Mayer (or maybe a DMX song)
Rap/Metal song: Faint by Linkin Park
Love Song: Josie by Blink 182
Song about a girl across the Sea: She Says It's Alright by The Rentals
Break up song: Dammit by Blink 182 (Mark rules as of late)
Happy song: Getting By by the Rentals
Funny Song: Because I Got High by Afroman
Funny Song that isn't meant to be funny: Hero by Chad Krueger and Josie Scott (Yes, I know, Nickelback, but it's hilarious once you've heard it a billion times)
Hopeful song: Don't Let Go by Weezer (There has to be a weezer song)
Guitar Riff: Dope Nose by Weezer
Guitar solo: Say It Ain't So by Weezr
Lead Guitar: I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick (Will this ever change)
Bassline: Say It Ain't So by Weezer (Matt!!!)
Drums: Everlong by Foo Fighters
Guilty Pleasure: Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield by Jimmy The Mouth of the South Heart (Yes, the wrestling guy)
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Never Let You Go
I don't think I've ever quote 3EB before.
Well, someone awhile back commented to "Let Her Go". But I can't. I won't. I know I won't. I love her too much and have loved her for far too long and deeply just to let her go. The only thing that has run in my mind as of late is a song, and of course it's weezer. "Any time that you want I'll be here in your arm silently holding on to the girl with the charms... don't let go". It just feels like I'll be forced to live my life, to fake my life to love someone else when the one I really love is so far away from me.
Quick song favourites:
Love Song: Josie by Blink 182
Song about a girl across the Sea: She Says It's Alright by The Rentals
I don't think I've ever quote 3EB before.
Well, someone awhile back commented to "Let Her Go". But I can't. I won't. I know I won't. I love her too much and have loved her for far too long and deeply just to let her go. The only thing that has run in my mind as of late is a song, and of course it's weezer. "Any time that you want I'll be here in your arm silently holding on to the girl with the charms... don't let go". It just feels like I'll be forced to live my life, to fake my life to love someone else when the one I really love is so far away from me.
Quick song favourites:
Love Song: Josie by Blink 182
Song about a girl across the Sea: She Says It's Alright by The Rentals
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
Hurray!
For those who know, my biggest musical obsession as of late has been the Rentals... Dare I say, Seven More Minutes is my new Pikerton. It all started when a few months ago, a friend of mine and I saw Matt Sharp at the Rivoli. He's taken out the moog and filled his sound with acoustic guitars and a floor tom and I've been quite excited about his new album. Well, later this month, I will see him perform twice, once in Toronto and once in Guelph... and guess what? He's bring back the moog. This makes me so happy... I'm such a spaz.
Anyways... been away for awhile. My computer is a piece of shit and I can't find my Windows XP CD. The big news: I finished writing my pop album. So I know have to albums of material and I'm just waiting to get it recorded. One is a pop album with cover art already done called "I Was Happy Once...", the other is something I wrote right before summer started called "My Everything". Both are about the girl... I miss her. I really do love this girl. I think some of the songs are kind of heart wrenching, but it often feels like my heart has been ripped out and turned. Not by her... Just by the way things are. I love this girl. She means the world to me and my obssesion has not waned (is that the right spelling) whatsoever over the last year. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now... here's a line from one of my songs that kind of just sums everything up "Into the night I would talk to you / You were my friend and my obsession / Into the night I'd stay up with you / Sharing Suicides and depression". Ooh... pretty dark sounding from this guy who probably listens to more Simple Plan than Nine Inch Nails.
I worked a lot over the weekend. I have three Thanksgiving dinners in two days. I'm getting even fatter. Saw my cousin's baby... so so so cute. She looks less Asain everytime I see her. I saw School of Rock yesterday and liked it. Seventies Rawk the whole way through. They even played Ramones which was cool. It have Jonathan Richman and the Modern lovers - "1,2,3,4,5,6 - Roadrunner, roadrunner". I worked a lot of the weekend. I'm such a rug.
Anyways... anywho... my computer is a piece of shit. I hope to have it working by the end of the week.
For those who know, my biggest musical obsession as of late has been the Rentals... Dare I say, Seven More Minutes is my new Pikerton. It all started when a few months ago, a friend of mine and I saw Matt Sharp at the Rivoli. He's taken out the moog and filled his sound with acoustic guitars and a floor tom and I've been quite excited about his new album. Well, later this month, I will see him perform twice, once in Toronto and once in Guelph... and guess what? He's bring back the moog. This makes me so happy... I'm such a spaz.
Anyways... been away for awhile. My computer is a piece of shit and I can't find my Windows XP CD. The big news: I finished writing my pop album. So I know have to albums of material and I'm just waiting to get it recorded. One is a pop album with cover art already done called "I Was Happy Once...", the other is something I wrote right before summer started called "My Everything". Both are about the girl... I miss her. I really do love this girl. I think some of the songs are kind of heart wrenching, but it often feels like my heart has been ripped out and turned. Not by her... Just by the way things are. I love this girl. She means the world to me and my obssesion has not waned (is that the right spelling) whatsoever over the last year. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now... here's a line from one of my songs that kind of just sums everything up "Into the night I would talk to you / You were my friend and my obsession / Into the night I'd stay up with you / Sharing Suicides and depression". Ooh... pretty dark sounding from this guy who probably listens to more Simple Plan than Nine Inch Nails.
I worked a lot over the weekend. I have three Thanksgiving dinners in two days. I'm getting even fatter. Saw my cousin's baby... so so so cute. She looks less Asain everytime I see her. I saw School of Rock yesterday and liked it. Seventies Rawk the whole way through. They even played Ramones which was cool. It have Jonathan Richman and the Modern lovers - "1,2,3,4,5,6 - Roadrunner, roadrunner". I worked a lot of the weekend. I'm such a rug.
Anyways... anywho... my computer is a piece of shit. I hope to have it working by the end of the week.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Batards!
I am aware of the missing s.
I'm at school. My computer is still dead. I'm on one of the lower end computers that doesn't read javascripts meaning I cannot check the comments on the site... oh well.
Well, what to report? Umm... I made an album cover (anal bum cover). The album oddly isn't written yet, three or four more songs should do it, but I've already done the art. A friend of mine gave me his "solo" CD. It's so home made and cheap, but I like it. And his album art was just like what I wanted to do. So I just thought I'd make an album cover...
album title: I Was Happy Once...
Aiming to put ten songs just like the better weezer albums, although Seven More Minutes has well over 10 tracks. But ten is still the aim. The first album I wrote (which I actually want to record sometime soon) sought out to tell a story, this one kind of just tells a bunch of little stories that kind of make a bigger story.
I'm writing a lot lately. A song or more a day. They're not all great. In fact, some a quite bad, but you gotta just do it. They can't all be "Hotel California" or "Oops... I did it again", but you just have to work at it.
It's Thanksgiving weekend (for Canadians)... Working most of the time, but not the actual Thanksgiving day. I haven't had a day off since school start. I've either had to work or go to school or both. It'll be nice...
Last thing: All summer I searched for a Merry-go-round. Not one of those carnival ones where you go in circles and bop up and down on a unicorn. One of those steel ones that you have to manually push. My cousins and I found one of them in Guelph. About a week ago a kid hung himself on the monkey bars in the same park. I guess we'll have to look for a new one.
I am aware of the missing s.
I'm at school. My computer is still dead. I'm on one of the lower end computers that doesn't read javascripts meaning I cannot check the comments on the site... oh well.
Well, what to report? Umm... I made an album cover (anal bum cover). The album oddly isn't written yet, three or four more songs should do it, but I've already done the art. A friend of mine gave me his "solo" CD. It's so home made and cheap, but I like it. And his album art was just like what I wanted to do. So I just thought I'd make an album cover...
album title: I Was Happy Once...
Aiming to put ten songs just like the better weezer albums, although Seven More Minutes has well over 10 tracks. But ten is still the aim. The first album I wrote (which I actually want to record sometime soon) sought out to tell a story, this one kind of just tells a bunch of little stories that kind of make a bigger story.
I'm writing a lot lately. A song or more a day. They're not all great. In fact, some a quite bad, but you gotta just do it. They can't all be "Hotel California" or "Oops... I did it again", but you just have to work at it.
It's Thanksgiving weekend (for Canadians)... Working most of the time, but not the actual Thanksgiving day. I haven't had a day off since school start. I've either had to work or go to school or both. It'll be nice...
Last thing: All summer I searched for a Merry-go-round. Not one of those carnival ones where you go in circles and bop up and down on a unicorn. One of those steel ones that you have to manually push. My cousins and I found one of them in Guelph. About a week ago a kid hung himself on the monkey bars in the same park. I guess we'll have to look for a new one.
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Another One Bites The Dust
I hate my computer. It's on the shits. It can start up, but Explorer isn't working. And, it restarts every hour or so which I take isn't a good sign.
I've been writing a lot... and drawing... and playing guitar. I haven't plugged my electric in in quite awhile (A broken string on each guitar). I'm writing a song a day. I even wrote a song about someone who isn't "This Girl". As always, I've been listening to Weezer and The Rentals, and it kind of pisses me off how Suzzane and Jamie and Mrs Young are all love songs. Can't someone just make a good song about friendship? Well, Buddy Holly is about friendship and there's always You've got a friend, but James Taylor is boring as saltines with water. I wrote a song about a friend of mine I work with. So the new total of people I've writen songs about: My grandmother, grandfather, the girl, and a friend. Of course, I've writen well over twenty songs about the girl, but that's another story.
Once my broken burning bridge fixes (or should I say if), I think I will record. I will record, the song will make it on to U of T radio. I will become rich and famous. I will move to California. I will start a brand new life. I will meet a girl that will love me. We'll have kids named Rory and Jamie. We'll own a house with a white picket fence and a mini-van for she'll become a soccer mom. I will cry over the fact that I live in California and The Terminator is my governor (Does anyone think he won just because he made Total Recall and this election was a reacall?). I will die in my 50's of a heart attack for it seems to be the new thing, leaving dying at 27 in the dust. And during all that time I'll wish I was with her just like I do now.
I hate my computer. It's on the shits. It can start up, but Explorer isn't working. And, it restarts every hour or so which I take isn't a good sign.
I've been writing a lot... and drawing... and playing guitar. I haven't plugged my electric in in quite awhile (A broken string on each guitar). I'm writing a song a day. I even wrote a song about someone who isn't "This Girl". As always, I've been listening to Weezer and The Rentals, and it kind of pisses me off how Suzzane and Jamie and Mrs Young are all love songs. Can't someone just make a good song about friendship? Well, Buddy Holly is about friendship and there's always You've got a friend, but James Taylor is boring as saltines with water. I wrote a song about a friend of mine I work with. So the new total of people I've writen songs about: My grandmother, grandfather, the girl, and a friend. Of course, I've writen well over twenty songs about the girl, but that's another story.
Once my broken burning bridge fixes (or should I say if), I think I will record. I will record, the song will make it on to U of T radio. I will become rich and famous. I will move to California. I will start a brand new life. I will meet a girl that will love me. We'll have kids named Rory and Jamie. We'll own a house with a white picket fence and a mini-van for she'll become a soccer mom. I will cry over the fact that I live in California and The Terminator is my governor (Does anyone think he won just because he made Total Recall and this election was a reacall?). I will die in my 50's of a heart attack for it seems to be the new thing, leaving dying at 27 in the dust. And during all that time I'll wish I was with her just like I do now.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Burn PC, Burn!!!
Computer troubles once again. I cannot open explorer, and since Windows 98+ runs on Explorer, my computer is pretty useless at the moment. I can use Winamp and Word and other applications, even Kazaa Lite is downloading at a frantic pace, I just can't go on the net or delete or fix things. I apparently have to download something from Mircrosoft, but since I used an illegal serial number, I'm not allowed to download it.
To quote one of my favourite films - "Words come and go, pictures are forever". My name isn't Jonas but this is how I feel - Click here. I know you can't make someone love you, but can't you make yourself stop loving someone else? Can't you just stop when you know the feelings aren't mutual anymore? I know I can't. I think because I mainly don't want to. I don't know where or when or if that bump in the road happened, but it saddens me. I guess people grow apart. I just never thought it would happen to us.
In my first book, I wrote about why these two characters love each other - "You know that part of your brain? That part of your mine in the corner that's dark and collects dust? When you finally open that part of it to someone then you've found someone you really love." I paraphrased that, but I think I did a good job. I did that with her. I opened up the carnival gates and let out a world filled with cartoons and cotton candy. Maybe I should just be glad to have had that once and I smile at all the memories. You never let go of that first love. And I know I won't. I'm more saddened that I might lose my best-friend in process. Quick joke to cheer myself up:
Finally, it's funny how I write a song about Tegan and Sara the other day with my sub-concious influence of Matt Sharp only to find out that they are playing many shows together here next month. So I've pretty much secured a spot when they play at Lee's Palace, but I am now trying to convince some people to see them at U of G.
Computer troubles once again. I cannot open explorer, and since Windows 98+ runs on Explorer, my computer is pretty useless at the moment. I can use Winamp and Word and other applications, even Kazaa Lite is downloading at a frantic pace, I just can't go on the net or delete or fix things. I apparently have to download something from Mircrosoft, but since I used an illegal serial number, I'm not allowed to download it.
To quote one of my favourite films - "Words come and go, pictures are forever". My name isn't Jonas but this is how I feel - Click here. I know you can't make someone love you, but can't you make yourself stop loving someone else? Can't you just stop when you know the feelings aren't mutual anymore? I know I can't. I think because I mainly don't want to. I don't know where or when or if that bump in the road happened, but it saddens me. I guess people grow apart. I just never thought it would happen to us.
In my first book, I wrote about why these two characters love each other - "You know that part of your brain? That part of your mine in the corner that's dark and collects dust? When you finally open that part of it to someone then you've found someone you really love." I paraphrased that, but I think I did a good job. I did that with her. I opened up the carnival gates and let out a world filled with cartoons and cotton candy. Maybe I should just be glad to have had that once and I smile at all the memories. You never let go of that first love. And I know I won't. I'm more saddened that I might lose my best-friend in process. Quick joke to cheer myself up:
Girl: I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.I'm thinking of making a MuchMusic VJ search tape. Yes, I want to be a talking head that introduces "P.I.M.P." by Fifty-cent or "Girl and Boys" by Good Charlotte. I want to be the one to stop the Vote-a-matic. I wannabe who I wannabe on muchmusic. I want step inside that versatile room that in the day is Breakfast television, then Cityline, then at night becomes Electric Circus. I think I'd make a good VJ. I believe I'm taller than Rick the Temp. And I don't believe Much Music has ever had an asian VJ... Byron Wong was not a VJ by the way, he only worked for The New Music. It all comes down to the tape I guess.
Boy: What song was it?
Girl: The Way We Were.
Finally, it's funny how I write a song about Tegan and Sara the other day with my sub-concious influence of Matt Sharp only to find out that they are playing many shows together here next month. So I've pretty much secured a spot when they play at Lee's Palace, but I am now trying to convince some people to see them at U of G.
Monday, September 29, 2003
It's Really For Tegan
I've been writing a lot lately. I'm still writing my cartoon, I'm starting a new novel and I wrote three complete songs on the week-end plus to other pieces without any lyrics. I even started reading "On The Road" by Jack Kerouac. Here's a song I wrote the other day before I went into work. It's actually based on Tegan from Tegan and Sara who I thought "I shared a moment with" (index fingers come together). Long story short, I'm dumb, she's a lesbian. The title actually came from a friend that once said "Sara Smiled At Me" instead of Tegan and I thought it was a really nice line. The only other time that I can remember writing a song about what someone said was about a year and a half ago when a friend of mine got Thirteen Roses on Valentine's Day.
I've been writing a lot lately. I'm still writing my cartoon, I'm starting a new novel and I wrote three complete songs on the week-end plus to other pieces without any lyrics. I even started reading "On The Road" by Jack Kerouac. Here's a song I wrote the other day before I went into work. It's actually based on Tegan from Tegan and Sara who I thought "I shared a moment with" (index fingers come together). Long story short, I'm dumb, she's a lesbian. The title actually came from a friend that once said "Sara Smiled At Me" instead of Tegan and I thought it was a really nice line. The only other time that I can remember writing a song about what someone said was about a year and a half ago when a friend of mine got Thirteen Roses on Valentine's Day.
Sara Smiled At Me
G Em
I've been waiting all this time to know
Bm C G
What Sara chose and if it's me
G Em
As I'm sitting here I think of where she might be
Bm C D
And if she thinks of this as more than a fantasy
Sara you have to make up your mind
So I can make up mine
So tell me I'm not dumb for wasting all my time
I loved wasting it with you
X
C D G
I can't live my life on guessing
Worries, dreams or fantasy
C D
She shared today
G G/F# E
When Sara looked my way
C
Sarah smile at me
D G
And told me it's okay
Don't break my heart again I mean it
I can't stand to pine my life away
I saw it coming but I couldn't have seen it
I knew that smile could never stay
X
C D G
I can't live my life on guessing
Worries, dreams or fantasy
C D
So scared today
G G/F# E
Oh Sara look my way
C
Sarah smile at me
D G
Or tell me it's okay
Em G A C
It gets hard not knowing the truth some times
From what it was and what it could be
If I lose sara I lose everything I've got
D C G ---- F#
Oh Sara say your smile is still for me
E D C G
E G C
E F# G
Bm C D
C D G
X
C D G
I can't live my life on guessing
Worries, dreams or fantasy
C D
So share today
G G/F# E
Oh Sara look my way
C
Sarah smile at me
D G
And tell me it's okay
A Classic
And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again but I love her. I love her. Who doesn't? Honestly, who doesn't? How can't you? I miss her... in more than one way. She'll always have a place in my heart. A place that's only reserved for her. A place no one else can touch or see. A place in my mind that I don't want to show to anyone else. A place on my body that I probably won't share with anyone else. A place inside of me that I didn't know existed before she came along. And I love her.
I've been waking up from nightmares - high school, work, Sally Struthers - just weird nightmares. I woke up in tears one night and have often woke up with my heart racing. I'm all jacked up. Not that anyone cares.
Lelaina:: I just don’t understand why things just can’t go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.If Lauren doesn't read my e-mail first then I'll break the news here, they are making a sequel to Before Sunrise. I'm in need of some hope as of late and a sequel to one of my top fives will be great. But hope is a dangerous thing. Hope is what keeps me going and I often question if it's worth going on for.
Troy:: Well, ‘cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don’t turn out like that.
Lelaina:: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy:: Honey, the only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina:: I don’t know who that is anymore.
Troy:: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again but I love her.
And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again but I love her. I love her. Who doesn't? Honestly, who doesn't? How can't you? I miss her... in more than one way. She'll always have a place in my heart. A place that's only reserved for her. A place no one else can touch or see. A place in my mind that I don't want to show to anyone else. A place on my body that I probably won't share with anyone else. A place inside of me that I didn't know existed before she came along. And I love her.
I've been waking up from nightmares - high school, work, Sally Struthers - just weird nightmares. I woke up in tears one night and have often woke up with my heart racing. I'm all jacked up. Not that anyone cares.
Saturday, September 27, 2003
More
I can't sleep. I don't know why. It's raining. There's thunder. It's four o' clock in the morning. I'm cold. I'm alone. It's confusing. It's scatterd. It's unbelievable. I'm sick.
There are two kinds of people in this world. One that thinks they know something and one that admits they know nothing. I know nothing. At least I'm not kidding myself.
I may use the pseudonym of "A Dreamer", but you cannot dream when you are awake. Or maybe you can? Maybe that's where the name came from. She gave me the name... unoffically. She used to call me a dreamer. Now... I'm not sure what I am. She called me nice the other day. A nice guy? Nice Guys finish last. Maybe I should go by "A Loser". Or maybe "A Spaz".
These are the insane ramblings of a sick person at 4 in the morning. It's not alright.
I can't sleep. I don't know why. It's raining. There's thunder. It's four o' clock in the morning. I'm cold. I'm alone. It's confusing. It's scatterd. It's unbelievable. I'm sick.
There are two kinds of people in this world. One that thinks they know something and one that admits they know nothing. I know nothing. At least I'm not kidding myself.
I may use the pseudonym of "A Dreamer", but you cannot dream when you are awake. Or maybe you can? Maybe that's where the name came from. She gave me the name... unoffically. She used to call me a dreamer. Now... I'm not sure what I am. She called me nice the other day. A nice guy? Nice Guys finish last. Maybe I should go by "A Loser". Or maybe "A Spaz".
These are the insane ramblings of a sick person at 4 in the morning. It's not alright.
The Same Old Joke
I have a self-esteem problem... but not a very good one.
I suffer from low self-esteem. I admit that. I always feel like I'm not good enough or smart enough or tall enough or handsome enough or... well, there's nothing to really think about is there. And I think what stops me from growing as an individual is how deeply I feel about things. You may not know this, but there are things that I care about a lot, maybe even love. There's the obvious... obviously... but there's other things. My writing and my music are probably the two things about myself that are personally mine. I might not be able to play like Rivers or write like Kevin Smith, but I've been told that I'm good... but I never believe them. I try to write and play, but I always think that I'm not any good, and it's mainly because I love things to much. I could never write a song as a great as "A Perfect Sonnet" or write a movie like Chasing Amy or a novel like Hard Core Logo. And that's why I hardly ever finish anything that I start. Before I'm even half way done, I compare it to "Pinkerton" or "The Hottest State" and in comparison I think they suck. Occasionally, I make something I love like "My Everything" or "The Sell-outs", but it's my comparisons to the things I love that make me feel inferior.
Next month is National Novel Writing Month... or something like that. Though I did just finish writing an album a few months ago, I really need to just finish something. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. It just has to get done.
I don't feel like sleeping... Expect random hour posts.
I have a self-esteem problem... but not a very good one.
I suffer from low self-esteem. I admit that. I always feel like I'm not good enough or smart enough or tall enough or handsome enough or... well, there's nothing to really think about is there. And I think what stops me from growing as an individual is how deeply I feel about things. You may not know this, but there are things that I care about a lot, maybe even love. There's the obvious... obviously... but there's other things. My writing and my music are probably the two things about myself that are personally mine. I might not be able to play like Rivers or write like Kevin Smith, but I've been told that I'm good... but I never believe them. I try to write and play, but I always think that I'm not any good, and it's mainly because I love things to much. I could never write a song as a great as "A Perfect Sonnet" or write a movie like Chasing Amy or a novel like Hard Core Logo. And that's why I hardly ever finish anything that I start. Before I'm even half way done, I compare it to "Pinkerton" or "The Hottest State" and in comparison I think they suck. Occasionally, I make something I love like "My Everything" or "The Sell-outs", but it's my comparisons to the things I love that make me feel inferior.
Next month is National Novel Writing Month... or something like that. Though I did just finish writing an album a few months ago, I really need to just finish something. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. It just has to get done.
I don't feel like sleeping... Expect random hour posts.
Friday, September 26, 2003
Nature's Fruit Juice
I'm not really sure of what I'm going to write today. It's been awhile. I find myself most honest as I sit in front of this extremely warm contraption without anything thought out or planned.
Love... well, love... love, love, love... I don't know. I'm not sure. You know how I feel about her. Everyone knows how I feel about her. Nothing ever changes on that front. She could stab me with a broken Heineken bottle and I'd probably smile and say "I love you". I'm extremely devoted to "this girl" and I always will be. She's beautiful and smart and has the greatest eyes and voice on earth. And to top that, she's a genuinely good person. She has a good heart. She's not someone you can hate. At least, I never could.
They say that your first love is always the most important because he or she becomes the yardstick upon everyone else that comes after is measured by. The fact is, no one could ever measure up beside her. Forget our friendship and her beauty for a second... the girl saved my life. She saved my life. And that's something no one else can claim to have done. She's my best-friend and beyond...
I just can't live my life in fear (or the terrorist have one). I can't let little things bother me as much, and I think I'm getting better than that. I'm getting much better at that actually. I'm keeping my head a lot more level and my tears to a minimum... although Jerry MacGuire and an episode of Friends really hit a spot in me the other day. The Friends episode in question was when Chandler and Monica got engaged and Richard (Magnum PI) wanted to win her back. I don't want to be Richard... because that would make me a dick.
Last thought on this girl - I love her always and unconditionally... well unless she reveals the secrets of my leg cramp, my chin scar, and the story of buddy.
As for everything else... well, let's see. I haven't really delved deeply into the other parts of my life. Parental life, it's still the same. Actually, it's a little better in some sense. I've gained a respect for my mom. I don't hate her. She is not a bad person. In fact, I'll say that she's quite good. Do I love her? I don't know... that's just hard for me to understand. But she's alright. She may have a hundred children floating around the world that I do not know about and she may have never told me about them (which is my main beef with her), but the fact is my mother and I actually have a relationship. I've seen my mother more or less everyday of my life and she does things for me. And to me, that constitutes as a relationship. My father on the other hand... same old shit. Asshole, racist, bastard, Jecho.
School... well, do I like school? I'd say that like is a strong word. School to me is a stepping stone right now of getting closer to the previously mentioned girl. I don't know if it will help much since the world's economy is just so horrible, but it often feels like my only hope. But I'm actually like some parts of school. I'm loving contemporary literature class. It's helping me understand how and why to write. It's helpful. A major contributor to the idea of my cartoon now entitled "She Says It's Alright". I'm quite excited about writing something again without any limitations or preconceptions.
Also about school, I have not yet paid. I don't have the money to pay for it. My government funding was a joke, my job is a joke, and the simple fact is money makes the world go 'round. I actually bought a lottery ticket today - $20,000,000 jackpot. Pretty much, I blew two dollars.
Finally, I hate my face. I'm quite ugly. That may sound like I'm looking for pitty, though I'm pretty sure only three of you know what I look like, but I just cannot stand the sight of myself.
I'm not really sure of what I'm going to write today. It's been awhile. I find myself most honest as I sit in front of this extremely warm contraption without anything thought out or planned.
Love... well, love... love, love, love... I don't know. I'm not sure. You know how I feel about her. Everyone knows how I feel about her. Nothing ever changes on that front. She could stab me with a broken Heineken bottle and I'd probably smile and say "I love you". I'm extremely devoted to "this girl" and I always will be. She's beautiful and smart and has the greatest eyes and voice on earth. And to top that, she's a genuinely good person. She has a good heart. She's not someone you can hate. At least, I never could.
They say that your first love is always the most important because he or she becomes the yardstick upon everyone else that comes after is measured by. The fact is, no one could ever measure up beside her. Forget our friendship and her beauty for a second... the girl saved my life. She saved my life. And that's something no one else can claim to have done. She's my best-friend and beyond...
I just can't live my life in fear (or the terrorist have one). I can't let little things bother me as much, and I think I'm getting better than that. I'm getting much better at that actually. I'm keeping my head a lot more level and my tears to a minimum... although Jerry MacGuire and an episode of Friends really hit a spot in me the other day. The Friends episode in question was when Chandler and Monica got engaged and Richard (Magnum PI) wanted to win her back. I don't want to be Richard... because that would make me a dick.
Last thought on this girl - I love her always and unconditionally... well unless she reveals the secrets of my leg cramp, my chin scar, and the story of buddy.
As for everything else... well, let's see. I haven't really delved deeply into the other parts of my life. Parental life, it's still the same. Actually, it's a little better in some sense. I've gained a respect for my mom. I don't hate her. She is not a bad person. In fact, I'll say that she's quite good. Do I love her? I don't know... that's just hard for me to understand. But she's alright. She may have a hundred children floating around the world that I do not know about and she may have never told me about them (which is my main beef with her), but the fact is my mother and I actually have a relationship. I've seen my mother more or less everyday of my life and she does things for me. And to me, that constitutes as a relationship. My father on the other hand... same old shit. Asshole, racist, bastard, Jecho.
School... well, do I like school? I'd say that like is a strong word. School to me is a stepping stone right now of getting closer to the previously mentioned girl. I don't know if it will help much since the world's economy is just so horrible, but it often feels like my only hope. But I'm actually like some parts of school. I'm loving contemporary literature class. It's helping me understand how and why to write. It's helpful. A major contributor to the idea of my cartoon now entitled "She Says It's Alright". I'm quite excited about writing something again without any limitations or preconceptions.
Also about school, I have not yet paid. I don't have the money to pay for it. My government funding was a joke, my job is a joke, and the simple fact is money makes the world go 'round. I actually bought a lottery ticket today - $20,000,000 jackpot. Pretty much, I blew two dollars.
Finally, I hate my face. I'm quite ugly. That may sound like I'm looking for pitty, though I'm pretty sure only three of you know what I look like, but I just cannot stand the sight of myself.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
19th Nervous Breakdown
I'm falling apart right now. I'm not going to post for awhile. Enjoy the new main page.
I'm falling apart right now. I'm not going to post for awhile. Enjoy the new main page.
Monday, September 22, 2003
No!
My throat is sore. It's not a painful soreness, but I bet by tomorrow morning it will hurt like hell. My friend at work has been sick for the last week and guess who's come into work sick everyday? And guess who has had to work with her? If you don't guess me then you're slower than I am.
I'm aware of the fact that I am a hypochondriac. True, I like having clean hands and avoid public washrooms, but I know when I'm actually sick and when I'm feeling sick because I'm in a bad mood. My throat hurts pretty bad and I have a slight fever. I took two advil. Hopefully it does something to me other than just knock me out. Not that Advil even knocks you out.
I'm starting this project a friend and I talked about a few months ago... I believe on the day of the Matt Sharp concert. I'm taking a picture of myself a day. Today is September 22, so in a year from now I'll have a flipbook of myself everyday for the last year. It should be interesting... and also gross because I'm not the prettiest knife in the drawer. Though the sick girl said I'm cute, but she also called me a scrub. Yes, just like the 1999 hit "No Scrubs" by TLC.
Current Mood: Sick
Current Song: Insomnia - The Rentals
My throat is sore. It's not a painful soreness, but I bet by tomorrow morning it will hurt like hell. My friend at work has been sick for the last week and guess who's come into work sick everyday? And guess who has had to work with her? If you don't guess me then you're slower than I am.
I'm aware of the fact that I am a hypochondriac. True, I like having clean hands and avoid public washrooms, but I know when I'm actually sick and when I'm feeling sick because I'm in a bad mood. My throat hurts pretty bad and I have a slight fever. I took two advil. Hopefully it does something to me other than just knock me out. Not that Advil even knocks you out.
I'm starting this project a friend and I talked about a few months ago... I believe on the day of the Matt Sharp concert. I'm taking a picture of myself a day. Today is September 22, so in a year from now I'll have a flipbook of myself everyday for the last year. It should be interesting... and also gross because I'm not the prettiest knife in the drawer. Though the sick girl said I'm cute, but she also called me a scrub. Yes, just like the 1999 hit "No Scrubs" by TLC.
Current Mood: Sick
Current Song: Insomnia - The Rentals
10 Lbs Lighter
I cut my hair on Saturday. It's now much much much shorter. The verdict is that it looks much better... at least, that's what most people have said. Someone said they're not used to it, and the truth is, neither am I. My hat doesn't fit properly anymore. I keep expecting to hide behind my bangs when I don't feel like looking at anyone. I keep expecting my hair in my face when I lie down (which is quite often).
But it's fine. It's only hair. It just feels too square or something.
I cut my hair on Saturday. It's now much much much shorter. The verdict is that it looks much better... at least, that's what most people have said. Someone said they're not used to it, and the truth is, neither am I. My hat doesn't fit properly anymore. I keep expecting to hide behind my bangs when I don't feel like looking at anyone. I keep expecting my hair in my face when I lie down (which is quite often).
But it's fine. It's only hair. It just feels too square or something.
RKO
So this post maybe on slightly on the topic of wrestling, and someone once told me that she doesn't read when I write about wrestling, but please bare with me for it's a bit more personal than just two guys in tights fighting.
So I just came back from watch "WWE Unforgiven" at Famous Players. A good show overall, but something kind of stuck out during the broadcast. Randy Orton is only 21 years old. Randy Orton, the guy many people are saying is the next big thing and the future of the business is 21 years old. I am 21 years old. What are they saying about me? Absolutely nothing. I'm not set up to be a world champion of some kind or the next big thing of anything.
Along the same lines, a friend of mine was complaining to me the other day about she wishes she could just be done school. She's been in school for just over 16 years and she just wants out. Why can't she just do the job that she wants? The answer is simple - she's not ready. She wants to be a psychologist, but she just can't do that until she learns about Freud or buys a leather couch or watches every episode of Frasier. She just is not ready yet.
Me, I'm not ready yet exactly either. I'm not sure what it is that I want to be or what I want to do or how I'm going to do it, but it's starting to come to me. I've been too concerned with things lately to realize certain aspects of my life. When I was younger I wrote a novel. Actually, I wrote a few novels in high school, but there was one that I put my heart and soul into and was quite fond of. I sent it to Arsenal Pulp Press and got rejected a few months later. It was semi-devatasting for me. On one hand I thought "If I can't do this right then what else am I supposed to do with my life?" and on the other hand I thought, "Maybe I just have to clean it up a bit." I cleaned it up a bit, but I eventually lost that version in the great computer formatting of 2002.
I've tried to write since then, but I've just been cluttered with thought. I think about the rest of my life and what I have to do far too much. And I loved my first book and why I cherished it so much was because I did it for fun and I did it straight from my heart. I did it with all my knowledge and all my dreams and wrote straight from that place in my mind known as "Dreamerland". I wrote it without the intent of getting it published or getting famous or becoming "The Jim Carrol of Canadian suburbia". I wrote it because I wanted to.
But writing from the heart will not always get you what you want. Back to wrestling for a second, I'd like to bring up legendary wrestling Mic Foley. Mic Foley (AKA Mankind, Cactus Jack, and Dude Love) will probably be best known for the guy who fell 20 feet off the top of the cage care of the Undertaker at King of the Ring 1998. But aside from being the lovable guy that has been hit with a chair more times (and harder) than anyone else in wrestling history lies a writer. He wrote two autobiographies, both of which reached number one on the New York Times best-sellers list. He then quit wrestling to be a full time writer. He released his first piece of fiction just a few months ago entitled "Tietam Brown". It didn't sell nearly as much as his autobiographies. This all got me thinking - why did it not do as well as his other books in spite of it's good reviews? The answer is simple - the audience. His audience was not the same. He went from writting for wrestling fans to writting a sophisticated novel about coming of age.
This (and a few other things) got me interested in my own "writting carrer". I've been thinking about this pretty deeply over the last few weeks. What it all comes down to is one thing - "If I hadn't wrote it, would I read my book?" And the fact is, I probably would not. It's not that it's a bad book or something I wouldn't enjoy, it's just that I don't read many (if any) books. The fact is, the audience of people who would want to read my book is not made up of people who buy books. People who buy books, and, particularly, fiction, are not teen / 20-somethings that enjoy the low-browness of wrestling, the teeny-pop comedy of What I Like About You, and the cryptic scenes of A Clockwork orange. The people who buy books are upper class types that were raised with literature or soccer moms that pick-up whatever's Oprah's book of the month.
These people around my age, we have the attention spans of goldfish (I say this because I learnt that gold fish have attention spans of 7 seconds from watching 2gether on MuchMusic). Today, if we don't like something instantly, then we'll find something else to like. If one show doesn't capture our attention within minutes, we'll change the channel and look for something else. If we don't like the song on 103.5, we'll change the station to 102.1, and if we don't like what's on 102.1, we'll just throw in a mix CD we made off of a kazaa.
The fact is, I have to go make something from my heart again, and it isn't a novel because I don't love novels... I hardly even like them. I can't write music that's all whinish because I personally don't listen to all that much whinish music. I like really fast power-pop-punk sounding stuff. I like distorted guitars. I like cool baselines. I like fast drums. And it's not just the form or genre of which I write, but it's my style. I feel as if I have to start from scratch now. I have to start over from the beginning. I used to write from within my brain, a place filled with cartoons and cotton candy. I think that place is gone now. I think that place has closed up shop. The rides don't move, cotton candy is no longer served, and a guy in a "Mickey Nouse" costume no longer walks the fair grounds. I'm not saying that I'm not dillusional anymore, anyone that knows me still thinks of me as a weirdo in almost every aspect of the word. But the person I was when I wrote my novels throughout high school is not the same person I am today... not exactly I should say. I've lived more. I've fallen in love. I've had my heart broken. I've experienced death (second hand). I watched an airplane go through a building (and not just in True Lies with Ahnold). I understand realities more now. I wouldn't say that I exactly live in it, but I understand it better now.
I have to start feeling things with my heart and letting them go. I have to take the dreams and realities I once had and share them. I'm not sure exactly how, but I will. My cartoon is coming along. I've been drawing a lot lately. The characters look like "emotional stick people". The idea of writing a book and having it printed and bound on paper just isn't something I see myself doing (not for a long time). It just bores me. Words on their hardly ever get a first thought
Basically, it's just hard to gain one's attention as it is to keep it... I'm sure this long-winded rant didn't hold most of yours.
So this post maybe on slightly on the topic of wrestling, and someone once told me that she doesn't read when I write about wrestling, but please bare with me for it's a bit more personal than just two guys in tights fighting.
So I just came back from watch "WWE Unforgiven" at Famous Players. A good show overall, but something kind of stuck out during the broadcast. Randy Orton is only 21 years old. Randy Orton, the guy many people are saying is the next big thing and the future of the business is 21 years old. I am 21 years old. What are they saying about me? Absolutely nothing. I'm not set up to be a world champion of some kind or the next big thing of anything.
Along the same lines, a friend of mine was complaining to me the other day about she wishes she could just be done school. She's been in school for just over 16 years and she just wants out. Why can't she just do the job that she wants? The answer is simple - she's not ready. She wants to be a psychologist, but she just can't do that until she learns about Freud or buys a leather couch or watches every episode of Frasier. She just is not ready yet.
Me, I'm not ready yet exactly either. I'm not sure what it is that I want to be or what I want to do or how I'm going to do it, but it's starting to come to me. I've been too concerned with things lately to realize certain aspects of my life. When I was younger I wrote a novel. Actually, I wrote a few novels in high school, but there was one that I put my heart and soul into and was quite fond of. I sent it to Arsenal Pulp Press and got rejected a few months later. It was semi-devatasting for me. On one hand I thought "If I can't do this right then what else am I supposed to do with my life?" and on the other hand I thought, "Maybe I just have to clean it up a bit." I cleaned it up a bit, but I eventually lost that version in the great computer formatting of 2002.
I've tried to write since then, but I've just been cluttered with thought. I think about the rest of my life and what I have to do far too much. And I loved my first book and why I cherished it so much was because I did it for fun and I did it straight from my heart. I did it with all my knowledge and all my dreams and wrote straight from that place in my mind known as "Dreamerland". I wrote it without the intent of getting it published or getting famous or becoming "The Jim Carrol of Canadian suburbia". I wrote it because I wanted to.
But writing from the heart will not always get you what you want. Back to wrestling for a second, I'd like to bring up legendary wrestling Mic Foley. Mic Foley (AKA Mankind, Cactus Jack, and Dude Love) will probably be best known for the guy who fell 20 feet off the top of the cage care of the Undertaker at King of the Ring 1998. But aside from being the lovable guy that has been hit with a chair more times (and harder) than anyone else in wrestling history lies a writer. He wrote two autobiographies, both of which reached number one on the New York Times best-sellers list. He then quit wrestling to be a full time writer. He released his first piece of fiction just a few months ago entitled "Tietam Brown". It didn't sell nearly as much as his autobiographies. This all got me thinking - why did it not do as well as his other books in spite of it's good reviews? The answer is simple - the audience. His audience was not the same. He went from writting for wrestling fans to writting a sophisticated novel about coming of age.
This (and a few other things) got me interested in my own "writting carrer". I've been thinking about this pretty deeply over the last few weeks. What it all comes down to is one thing - "If I hadn't wrote it, would I read my book?" And the fact is, I probably would not. It's not that it's a bad book or something I wouldn't enjoy, it's just that I don't read many (if any) books. The fact is, the audience of people who would want to read my book is not made up of people who buy books. People who buy books, and, particularly, fiction, are not teen / 20-somethings that enjoy the low-browness of wrestling, the teeny-pop comedy of What I Like About You, and the cryptic scenes of A Clockwork orange. The people who buy books are upper class types that were raised with literature or soccer moms that pick-up whatever's Oprah's book of the month.
These people around my age, we have the attention spans of goldfish (I say this because I learnt that gold fish have attention spans of 7 seconds from watching 2gether on MuchMusic). Today, if we don't like something instantly, then we'll find something else to like. If one show doesn't capture our attention within minutes, we'll change the channel and look for something else. If we don't like the song on 103.5, we'll change the station to 102.1, and if we don't like what's on 102.1, we'll just throw in a mix CD we made off of a kazaa.
The fact is, I have to go make something from my heart again, and it isn't a novel because I don't love novels... I hardly even like them. I can't write music that's all whinish because I personally don't listen to all that much whinish music. I like really fast power-pop-punk sounding stuff. I like distorted guitars. I like cool baselines. I like fast drums. And it's not just the form or genre of which I write, but it's my style. I feel as if I have to start from scratch now. I have to start over from the beginning. I used to write from within my brain, a place filled with cartoons and cotton candy. I think that place is gone now. I think that place has closed up shop. The rides don't move, cotton candy is no longer served, and a guy in a "Mickey Nouse" costume no longer walks the fair grounds. I'm not saying that I'm not dillusional anymore, anyone that knows me still thinks of me as a weirdo in almost every aspect of the word. But the person I was when I wrote my novels throughout high school is not the same person I am today... not exactly I should say. I've lived more. I've fallen in love. I've had my heart broken. I've experienced death (second hand). I watched an airplane go through a building (and not just in True Lies with Ahnold). I understand realities more now. I wouldn't say that I exactly live in it, but I understand it better now.
I have to start feeling things with my heart and letting them go. I have to take the dreams and realities I once had and share them. I'm not sure exactly how, but I will. My cartoon is coming along. I've been drawing a lot lately. The characters look like "emotional stick people". The idea of writing a book and having it printed and bound on paper just isn't something I see myself doing (not for a long time). It just bores me. Words on their hardly ever get a first thought
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Fcuknig amzanig huh?while something colourful will at least catch your eye.
Basically, it's just hard to gain one's attention as it is to keep it... I'm sure this long-winded rant didn't hold most of yours.
