anti-social commentaries version 2.1
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
One Last Thing Before I Quit
That's a Monkey Wrench line by the way.
I thought I'd leave you with a little more and a little less than I should say. This is the last post until the new year so I'd say something about why I don't feel like posting. Here it goes:
My life is uneventful. It's filled with meaningless tasks and hobbies and past-times and escapes, but in the end it's like the inside of a seashell - it's empty. My life is empty. I'm still trying to deal with things, about my life, about the way things are, about the way I want them to be, about the way I still wish they would be. You know the story - boy meets girl, girl teases boy, boy finds something to destroy - and I don't have to get into it again. I'm just really in a search right now. I'm searching for something real or something or at least something that I can call my own. Maybe I should be a cat? Name it Tensor Green? I don't know.
But I need to rest and relax and stop thinking for awhile. Not really stop thinking, but stop pinning. All I do when I'm on this thing is talk about sadness, and I don't think that that's a fair representation. I get a little sadder when I'm online and on my computer. It makes me miss her. I get jealous of how happy she is, wishing I could go back to the day that I was the one who made her feel that way.
I've always been about dreams. I don't want to dream anymore. I want the real thing. In the summer, I guess I pushed her away. I thought about my life and my future and thought about if I could really be with her, if I could just move my life away and start a new... and after thinking about it, I realized that I should. But it was too late. I had missed my chance. It was too little too late... You told me it was a good size... I mean the effort. But when a girl tells you it's a good size, it's just a polite way of saying that it's small. Excuse my Mallrats aside.
I haven't been listening to music much lately. My computer is fried, I don't own a CD player, and my tape player doesn't have any speakers, but in my mind I hear the voices of Matt Sharp and my favourite Who'd you Rather, Mya Rudolph.
Seven More Minutes to hide away
Far from everyone
Seven More Minutes slide away
Somewhere in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(My head is in the sun)
Far from everyone
(somewhere far from everyone)
Seven More Minutes to hide away far from everyone
(Somewhere far from everyone)
Seven more minutes slide away somewhere in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
I must recoup. Maybe write a book or record my album. Maybe just do it acoustically first and spread them around to friends. So... this is good-bye until next year. For those who know me, do not be afraid to call or e-mail. I'm not going into the woods, growing a beard like Rivers, and sending letters bombs like the Unibomber... at least not yet. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hannukah, crazy Quanza, and a solemn dignified Rahmadah.
That's a Monkey Wrench line by the way.
I thought I'd leave you with a little more and a little less than I should say. This is the last post until the new year so I'd say something about why I don't feel like posting. Here it goes:
My life is uneventful. It's filled with meaningless tasks and hobbies and past-times and escapes, but in the end it's like the inside of a seashell - it's empty. My life is empty. I'm still trying to deal with things, about my life, about the way things are, about the way I want them to be, about the way I still wish they would be. You know the story - boy meets girl, girl teases boy, boy finds something to destroy - and I don't have to get into it again. I'm just really in a search right now. I'm searching for something real or something or at least something that I can call my own. Maybe I should be a cat? Name it Tensor Green? I don't know.
But I need to rest and relax and stop thinking for awhile. Not really stop thinking, but stop pinning. All I do when I'm on this thing is talk about sadness, and I don't think that that's a fair representation. I get a little sadder when I'm online and on my computer. It makes me miss her. I get jealous of how happy she is, wishing I could go back to the day that I was the one who made her feel that way.
I've always been about dreams. I don't want to dream anymore. I want the real thing. In the summer, I guess I pushed her away. I thought about my life and my future and thought about if I could really be with her, if I could just move my life away and start a new... and after thinking about it, I realized that I should. But it was too late. I had missed my chance. It was too little too late... You told me it was a good size... I mean the effort. But when a girl tells you it's a good size, it's just a polite way of saying that it's small. Excuse my Mallrats aside.
I haven't been listening to music much lately. My computer is fried, I don't own a CD player, and my tape player doesn't have any speakers, but in my mind I hear the voices of Matt Sharp and my favourite Who'd you Rather, Mya Rudolph.
Seven More Minutes to hide away
Far from everyone
Seven More Minutes slide away
Somewhere in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(Somewhere far from everyone)
My head is in the sun
(My head is in the sun)
Far from everyone
(somewhere far from everyone)
Seven More Minutes to hide away far from everyone
(Somewhere far from everyone)
Seven more minutes slide away somewhere in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
Somewhere in the sun
My head is in the sun
I must recoup. Maybe write a book or record my album. Maybe just do it acoustically first and spread them around to friends. So... this is good-bye until next year. For those who know me, do not be afraid to call or e-mail. I'm not going into the woods, growing a beard like Rivers, and sending letters bombs like the Unibomber... at least not yet. So have a merry Christmas, happy Hannukah, crazy Quanza, and a solemn dignified Rahmadah.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Retirement?
I'm thinking of quitting the blogging game. I've been tremendously ill over the last week, my laptop has died, I haven't been to school in a week, and my bestest-friend is mad at me with due cause, and I'm probably going to fail all my classes this week. That's great, and how are you? But the blog is too much for me lately. The idea of keeping a journal of my thoughts is not something I want to do right now. I really don't like what I've been thinking as of late. No, I'm not dreaming of biting on the barrel of a gun or anything like, but I just don't feel well at all. For the last few months, my heart has been broken. Beyond broken. Broken to the point that the little pieces on the ground cannot be seen without a magnifying glass. And every time I talk about this here, it just don't feel right because it kind of paints her off, as she said, "a mean person". And she's not. I've never had a bad thing to say, but it kind of just comes off that way and that's not fair to her. But anyways... my life just feels like a blur. I can't believe I've almost finished a semester of school yet at the same time I dont' remember a thing. It's almost Decemeber 2003? What the fuck? How did that happen? A year ago I was at my happiest and now I feel so low. I'm sick both mentally and physically. I can hardly stand at the moment. Getting up in the morning, I just want to stay in bed underneath my twenty blankets and avoid the cold. I don't look forward to getting up in the morning. I don't look forward to going to work. I don't look forward to going to school. I don't really look forward to anything right now and until I feel a little better, I don't want to write here anymore.
So this is good-bye for now. I will probably be back in the new year. Damn New Years!
I'm thinking of quitting the blogging game. I've been tremendously ill over the last week, my laptop has died, I haven't been to school in a week, and my bestest-friend is mad at me with due cause, and I'm probably going to fail all my classes this week. That's great, and how are you? But the blog is too much for me lately. The idea of keeping a journal of my thoughts is not something I want to do right now. I really don't like what I've been thinking as of late. No, I'm not dreaming of biting on the barrel of a gun or anything like, but I just don't feel well at all. For the last few months, my heart has been broken. Beyond broken. Broken to the point that the little pieces on the ground cannot be seen without a magnifying glass. And every time I talk about this here, it just don't feel right because it kind of paints her off, as she said, "a mean person". And she's not. I've never had a bad thing to say, but it kind of just comes off that way and that's not fair to her. But anyways... my life just feels like a blur. I can't believe I've almost finished a semester of school yet at the same time I dont' remember a thing. It's almost Decemeber 2003? What the fuck? How did that happen? A year ago I was at my happiest and now I feel so low. I'm sick both mentally and physically. I can hardly stand at the moment. Getting up in the morning, I just want to stay in bed underneath my twenty blankets and avoid the cold. I don't look forward to getting up in the morning. I don't look forward to going to work. I don't look forward to going to school. I don't really look forward to anything right now and until I feel a little better, I don't want to write here anymore.
So this is good-bye for now. I will probably be back in the new year. Damn New Years!
Thursday, November 13, 2003
I'm Thinking
I'm thinking of changing the site... maybe a new template, a new address, maybe even new name. I don't know. What do you think?
I'm thinking of changing the site... maybe a new template, a new address, maybe even new name. I don't know. What do you think?
It's Snowing!!!
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost freezing off your ass
It's snowing today and it's violently windy. Me being so small, a gust of wind literally stopped me in my tracks. I was walking and for a second or two I was suspended in one spot. It was like I was in bullet time (a la The Matrix or Max Payne). It's not the good snow yet. It's not the type that will stay on the ground, or is it the type that looks pretty, but it's still nice to see. I remember the first snow of this year way back in January. I had someone to share it with. It was quite a happy moment... cold, but happy.
Suicide week two of this semester is almost done, leaving one more next week.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost freezing off your ass
It's snowing today and it's violently windy. Me being so small, a gust of wind literally stopped me in my tracks. I was walking and for a second or two I was suspended in one spot. It was like I was in bullet time (a la The Matrix or Max Payne). It's not the good snow yet. It's not the type that will stay on the ground, or is it the type that looks pretty, but it's still nice to see. I remember the first snow of this year way back in January. I had someone to share it with. It was quite a happy moment... cold, but happy.
Suicide week two of this semester is almost done, leaving one more next week.
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Only Love
I like the words only love because depending on how you say it, the tone of voice, the situation you're in... they have different connotations. For example, you say "Only love is what I have for you," as I once stated in a song. With the statement, it's sort of like devotion. Here it reads as devotion and sweetness and niceness. But if someone were to say, "It's only love" then the words means love is something of unimportance. I don't know where I fall in anymore. I'd like more direct, but I can't. I'm in this state of denial. I'm in this state of hope. I'm in this state of dreams. I'm aloof.
We're going to take a little ride on the way back machine... In high school I was a dreamer. People, the few, the very, very few that could get into this head of mine, they liked this about me. I'm starting to realize that it was only like and nothing more. You can never love a dreamer. You look at him or her and stare and think it's cute that someone can have so much promise and hope. You root for that underdog. You want him or her to succeed. You want their dreams to come true. And when they do, it's triuph, but when they lose it, it's disaster. You look at them and feel sorry for them at first. You hope they can bounce back, but they can't. They try, but cannot. Eventually, you get sick of it. The dreamer turns to pathetic loser. The dreamer turns into a disapointed hopeful. The dreamer turns from a person you rooted for to someone that doesn't matter anymore.
Let's step into the way forward machine - there is a future out there, but the dreamer looks at the past and just sees more of the same. He or she cannot recoup. This person is broken. This person is non-existent. The person that once was is gone. He is an empty shell in an empty cell. Lifeless, and soulless, and yes, he falls way short.
A dreamer is admired, but when the dreams have passed him by, the dreams no longer exist. The ins are out. The smiles are false. The eyes are scarred.
All I want is the chance. I want the chance to succeed. Hearts break and life goes on, yes, I know. I just don't have anything to dream of. I'm out of hope. In the end, time will stand still and all will be forgotten. Lost loves, hatred, friendship... it all burns out, not fades. Anyone remember that movie Mad Love where Drew Barrymore was suicidal (and still cute)? She asks the dreadful Chris O' Donell "If you were able to know when you were going to die, would you want to know?" Me, I wouldn't because then I would surely know that I'm going to die.
I live my life with this underlying optimism in things that cannot happen. I'd like to live forever. I'd like to fly like Superman. I'd like to live my with her. The impossible is beautiful. The impossible is special. The impossible is just a dream.
I don't know what I'm saying... I'm too scattered to think. I need to rest. I need to reevaluate. I need to be. I need a hug. I need a friend. A friend? There are things inside that I can't let go of. Some I'm aware of, others I have no clue yet, and others I know are just going to end without a bang or whimper... a shrug. There are things that if I admit to, I will be even more lost. There are things that cannot be understood by my mind. There are things that I love far too much to let go of. I yearn for a day where I can let go, but hang onto just enough. Somedays it's close, others seem impossible, but usually, I just miss my best-friend.
All I see is ugly in this world, but a piece of beauty hangs from my wrist...
A line from Mr. Purple, one of the few males that get mistaken for being a homosexual more than I do:
I know (I know) that you're going with another guy
I don't care (I don't care) because I love you baby that's no lie
I love you more than I did when you were mine
I like the words only love because depending on how you say it, the tone of voice, the situation you're in... they have different connotations. For example, you say "Only love is what I have for you," as I once stated in a song. With the statement, it's sort of like devotion. Here it reads as devotion and sweetness and niceness. But if someone were to say, "It's only love" then the words means love is something of unimportance. I don't know where I fall in anymore. I'd like more direct, but I can't. I'm in this state of denial. I'm in this state of hope. I'm in this state of dreams. I'm aloof.
We're going to take a little ride on the way back machine... In high school I was a dreamer. People, the few, the very, very few that could get into this head of mine, they liked this about me. I'm starting to realize that it was only like and nothing more. You can never love a dreamer. You look at him or her and stare and think it's cute that someone can have so much promise and hope. You root for that underdog. You want him or her to succeed. You want their dreams to come true. And when they do, it's triuph, but when they lose it, it's disaster. You look at them and feel sorry for them at first. You hope they can bounce back, but they can't. They try, but cannot. Eventually, you get sick of it. The dreamer turns to pathetic loser. The dreamer turns into a disapointed hopeful. The dreamer turns from a person you rooted for to someone that doesn't matter anymore.
Let's step into the way forward machine - there is a future out there, but the dreamer looks at the past and just sees more of the same. He or she cannot recoup. This person is broken. This person is non-existent. The person that once was is gone. He is an empty shell in an empty cell. Lifeless, and soulless, and yes, he falls way short.
A dreamer is admired, but when the dreams have passed him by, the dreams no longer exist. The ins are out. The smiles are false. The eyes are scarred.
All I want is the chance. I want the chance to succeed. Hearts break and life goes on, yes, I know. I just don't have anything to dream of. I'm out of hope. In the end, time will stand still and all will be forgotten. Lost loves, hatred, friendship... it all burns out, not fades. Anyone remember that movie Mad Love where Drew Barrymore was suicidal (and still cute)? She asks the dreadful Chris O' Donell "If you were able to know when you were going to die, would you want to know?" Me, I wouldn't because then I would surely know that I'm going to die.
I live my life with this underlying optimism in things that cannot happen. I'd like to live forever. I'd like to fly like Superman. I'd like to live my with her. The impossible is beautiful. The impossible is special. The impossible is just a dream.
I don't know what I'm saying... I'm too scattered to think. I need to rest. I need to reevaluate. I need to be. I need a hug. I need a friend. A friend? There are things inside that I can't let go of. Some I'm aware of, others I have no clue yet, and others I know are just going to end without a bang or whimper... a shrug. There are things that if I admit to, I will be even more lost. There are things that cannot be understood by my mind. There are things that I love far too much to let go of. I yearn for a day where I can let go, but hang onto just enough. Somedays it's close, others seem impossible, but usually, I just miss my best-friend.
All I see is ugly in this world, but a piece of beauty hangs from my wrist...
A line from Mr. Purple, one of the few males that get mistaken for being a homosexual more than I do:
I know (I know) that you're going with another guy
I don't care (I don't care) because I love you baby that's no lie
I love you more than I did when you were mine
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
I Hate That
I made such a cool guitar riff last night and when I woke up I forgot how it went...
I'm really tired and uninspired lately. I'm dreaming of Decemember. The idea of not having to commute for three hours everyday just sounds so peaceful. Think about it... three hours of a 24 hour day... minus 8 hours of sleep, so that's three out of 16 hours a day. Plus, I usually get to school a half hour early and leave a half hour after classes, so I'm really spending four of those sixteen hours of everyday either waiting for or taking the bus. That's a quarter of my day. So a quarter of my day is useless... not like the rest is all that important.
Ramble, ramble, ramble...
I thought I'd bring up a horrible song by Usher... yes, Usher, star of She's All That and current boyfriend of Chilli of TLC fame (Yes, I'm In Touch). "You remind of a girl that I once knew / see her face whenever I look at you" There are a few things wrong with this statement. Firstly, I hate the fact that I know this song. Why on earth do I know this song still? It used to rape my ears at work a few years ago, but it still floats around in this insane mind of mine. Furthermore, this song, at least of this song, kind of applies to my life. I saw a girl today who looks a little similar to the girl... yes, the girl. She comes into my store semi-often and every time I see her... I don't know. I know it's not her... and no way she has her eyes or voice or that James Iha lovin' aura. She just has some similarity. I smile. She looks at me. She says hello. My thought, "Hey, you look a bit like my ex-girlfriend." My voice, "That's a dollar fourteen." She walks away. Softly, "Damn Usher."
An odd conversation from earlier.
Friend: You should be friends with my friend Vicky.
Dreamer: Vicky?
Friend: I can see the two of you dating.
Dreamer: I don't see myself dating any time soon.
Friend: Seriously, I think you'd like. She has that look you like.
Dreamer: What does she look like?
Friend: Umm... she's blonde.
(Dreamer has confused, squinty, dumbfounded look.)
Dreamer: Okay... what kind of music does she like.
Friend: She really like Queens of the Stone Age.
(Dreamer is extremely confused)
Dreamer: I don't like blonds. I don't like Queens of the Stone Age. Does she like Carrot Top? Does she watch Pauly Shore movies? Does she own a denim jacket?
How off could this person be?
Off to work on an essay.
I made such a cool guitar riff last night and when I woke up I forgot how it went...
I'm really tired and uninspired lately. I'm dreaming of Decemember. The idea of not having to commute for three hours everyday just sounds so peaceful. Think about it... three hours of a 24 hour day... minus 8 hours of sleep, so that's three out of 16 hours a day. Plus, I usually get to school a half hour early and leave a half hour after classes, so I'm really spending four of those sixteen hours of everyday either waiting for or taking the bus. That's a quarter of my day. So a quarter of my day is useless... not like the rest is all that important.
Ramble, ramble, ramble...
I thought I'd bring up a horrible song by Usher... yes, Usher, star of She's All That and current boyfriend of Chilli of TLC fame (Yes, I'm In Touch). "You remind of a girl that I once knew / see her face whenever I look at you" There are a few things wrong with this statement. Firstly, I hate the fact that I know this song. Why on earth do I know this song still? It used to rape my ears at work a few years ago, but it still floats around in this insane mind of mine. Furthermore, this song, at least of this song, kind of applies to my life. I saw a girl today who looks a little similar to the girl... yes, the girl. She comes into my store semi-often and every time I see her... I don't know. I know it's not her... and no way she has her eyes or voice or that James Iha lovin' aura. She just has some similarity. I smile. She looks at me. She says hello. My thought, "Hey, you look a bit like my ex-girlfriend." My voice, "That's a dollar fourteen." She walks away. Softly, "Damn Usher."
An odd conversation from earlier.
Friend: You should be friends with my friend Vicky.
Dreamer: Vicky?
Friend: I can see the two of you dating.
Dreamer: I don't see myself dating any time soon.
Friend: Seriously, I think you'd like. She has that look you like.
Dreamer: What does she look like?
Friend: Umm... she's blonde.
(Dreamer has confused, squinty, dumbfounded look.)
Dreamer: Okay... what kind of music does she like.
Friend: She really like Queens of the Stone Age.
(Dreamer is extremely confused)
Dreamer: I don't like blonds. I don't like Queens of the Stone Age. Does she like Carrot Top? Does she watch Pauly Shore movies? Does she own a denim jacket?
How off could this person be?
Off to work on an essay.
The Jerk
Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
I guess it's safe to say that it's over. And it's safe to say that there's no chance whatsoever. And it's safe to say that she's not in love with me anymore.
It feels like we're back in real time. It feels like the emotion has faded, the spark of finding that long lost love, the "what if" in our minds have ended... sort of. We never really got to live the what if. We just got to sample it. It was really nice. When she found me a year ago, I thought my life could only get better, that things were starting to look up for me. I'm not sure... I'm happy to have my friend back, very happy. I'm just sad that I've lost... well... it doesn't matter.
She's happy now. She seems really good and grounded and appreciates the things in her life. And I'm happy for her. No one deserves to be happy and have a good life more than her. All the drama and bullshit over the last year or so, in the end, she's happy, and I'm glad. Glad for her. For myself, I'm sad. I feel like my life is back to where it was but even worse. I'm more confused than ever. I've lost a lot dreams. I lost my love. I lost my everything. And that makes me sad.
"The light at the end of the tunnel may be you"
Where does the cliche help when you're heartbroken? There aren't many silver linings or dreams to hope for. I just wish I had something in my life to fill the void. I'm not saying I want someone to take her place and fall in love again right away... I don't see that happening any time soon... if ever again. I just feel broken and empty. I'd like someone or something to tell me something nice. I want to forget about shit for awhile. I want to live my life like it doesn't matter because I have something important.I want to know what love is... I want you to show me. I'm all out of love , what am I without you / I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong. The thing is, I wasn't wrong. No one was wrong. It ended because it wasn't right. I never lost any love for her, and I like to think she didn't lose any for me. And I'm happy for her that she hasn't pinned on me for the rest of her life, but I'd just like to know one day that I won't pine after her anymore. Part of me still has hope, but I shouldn't. I know it's hopeless, but I'm still looking for a resolution. I keep thinking, "well, what if I do this? And how about if I do this here and move this around there?" The thing is that I'm willing to do anything, but there's just nothing I can do. She's happy... let her go, moron. But what if I... no, stop it. But I can... no you can't.
...
...
...
I wanted to write more, but I'm out of thoughts. I wish I had something clever or insightful to say, but I don't. The state of my life sucks. Cheer yourself up... umm... what can I do? Umm... what's makes me happy? Alas... that's the problem.
End with a song - What's with these goddamn hommies dissin' my girl?
Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
I guess it's safe to say that it's over. And it's safe to say that there's no chance whatsoever. And it's safe to say that she's not in love with me anymore.
It feels like we're back in real time. It feels like the emotion has faded, the spark of finding that long lost love, the "what if" in our minds have ended... sort of. We never really got to live the what if. We just got to sample it. It was really nice. When she found me a year ago, I thought my life could only get better, that things were starting to look up for me. I'm not sure... I'm happy to have my friend back, very happy. I'm just sad that I've lost... well... it doesn't matter.
She's happy now. She seems really good and grounded and appreciates the things in her life. And I'm happy for her. No one deserves to be happy and have a good life more than her. All the drama and bullshit over the last year or so, in the end, she's happy, and I'm glad. Glad for her. For myself, I'm sad. I feel like my life is back to where it was but even worse. I'm more confused than ever. I've lost a lot dreams. I lost my love. I lost my everything. And that makes me sad.
"The light at the end of the tunnel may be you"
Where does the cliche help when you're heartbroken? There aren't many silver linings or dreams to hope for. I just wish I had something in my life to fill the void. I'm not saying I want someone to take her place and fall in love again right away... I don't see that happening any time soon... if ever again. I just feel broken and empty. I'd like someone or something to tell me something nice. I want to forget about shit for awhile. I want to live my life like it doesn't matter because I have something important.
...
...
...
I wanted to write more, but I'm out of thoughts. I wish I had something clever or insightful to say, but I don't. The state of my life sucks. Cheer yourself up... umm... what can I do? Umm... what's makes me happy? Alas... that's the problem.
End with a song - What's with these goddamn hommies dissin' my girl?
Monday, November 10, 2003
The World's Worst Country Song
I was taking a shower this morning and wrote a song. It's in standard oddly. That brings my count of songs I've written in standard upto 3... I hear female harmonies and slide guitars... it's a really typical country song. Enjoy.
X A
I lost my love
D
I'm so out of touch
A
I miss my best-friend
E
I miss her so much
A
And I'll live my life
D
Go on somehow
E
I'll love again
A
But just not now
A
She was always there for me all
D A
Morning day and night
And I could always talk to her even
D A
Though it wasn't right
D E
I can't hear here on the phone
A A/G# F#m
Without wanting to cry
D E
I know I'm still in love
D A
But I know she isn't mine
Remembering the good times when we'd say
Nothing all night long
Bringing up those memories of how we
Felt so alone
Now I'm sitting here without her
And I'm broken down inside
I know I'm still in love
But I know she isn't mine
I was taking a shower this morning and wrote a song. It's in standard oddly. That brings my count of songs I've written in standard upto 3... I hear female harmonies and slide guitars... it's a really typical country song. Enjoy.
X A
I lost my love
D
I'm so out of touch
A
I miss my best-friend
E
I miss her so much
A
And I'll live my life
D
Go on somehow
E
I'll love again
A
But just not now
A
She was always there for me all
D A
Morning day and night
And I could always talk to her even
D A
Though it wasn't right
D E
I can't hear here on the phone
A A/G# F#m
Without wanting to cry
D E
I know I'm still in love
D A
But I know she isn't mine
Remembering the good times when we'd say
Nothing all night long
Bringing up those memories of how we
Felt so alone
Now I'm sitting here without her
And I'm broken down inside
I know I'm still in love
But I know she isn't mine
I'm Sorry
Help me correct this and play this game. It's a game where you say "Who You'd Rather..." and you have a choice between two people. One of the options is Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph... please chose Maya. It's not that I don't like Tina Fey, but I think Maya's totals are just way too low. She's like at 10% while Tina is at 90%? That's just not nice.
Help me correct this and play this game. It's a game where you say "Who You'd Rather..." and you have a choice between two people. One of the options is Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph... please chose Maya. It's not that I don't like Tina Fey, but I think Maya's totals are just way too low. She's like at 10% while Tina is at 90%? That's just not nice.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Friday, November 07, 2003
Random
It's not a happy life
When everything is hard
And you held the Queen of Hearts
Now you can't find any cards
It's not a happy life
When everything is hard
And you held the Queen of Hearts
Now you can't find any cards
Computers Suck
It's all jacked up. I was in and around and my computer would not turn off. I could not restart or anything. It was just sitting here and every time I moved the mouse, where the mouse went would turn black. Sons of bitches.
It's 1:11... why am I still awake? I have class at 10:30 tomorrow. I have to leave at 9:30. I really hate commuting. Can you believe I almost got a $100 fine today because some asshole cannot hear. I don't want to get into it. Some people just really do not care about their jobs... I know it must be boring and dull to do some things, but still... I don't know. Nevermind.
Random thoughts:
My computer is screwy off and on.
Her's is dying and has been dying forever.
My brother's will start up.
My school computers are always filled.
My teeth hurt.
Matt Sharp recorded Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" with former Rental and current SNLer Maya Rudolph... blah. Firstly, she's really cute. Secondly, she's really talented. Thirdly, she says "It's cool". Looking forward to that...
Nirvana is overrated...
Foo Fighters are underrated...
I want to see Blink at the Phoenix...
I miss Green Day...
When will Matt's solo album come out? Apparently, it's not done yet. I asked him personally.
Why do I get that feeling of impending doom when I think Weezer's album five?
Dr. Frank is a genius in my opinion.
Is it just me or did Sars just fall of the face of the earth?
I need to get my flu shot.
I also need to go to the dentist.
I need new glasses.
I like Starbucks.
I hate Second Cup.
I haven't had Bubble Tea in ages.
I like Gyros.
I'm sick of cold cuts.
Stacey's Mom doesn't really have it going on. The song is actually about the writer's grandmother. The band wanted it to sound like the Cars meets Rick Springfield.
A Rick Springfield line that sums me up - I want to tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.
I find most people ugly.
I find hardly anyone attractive and / or cute.
I think that everything in life just happens. In a perfect world she and I would probably be together, maybe married, but at least closer to one another.
I think life is tiring.
I believe in Freud's death drive, though I think most of his complexes are just silly. Who really wants to sleep with their mother and kill their father. The second part maybe, but the first part?
I haven't even listened to the new Dashboard. I bought it right after the blackout.
Does anyone remember the blackout?
I really don't like Asian people... not that I like most people anyways.
I'm dying to live.
It's all jacked up. I was in and around and my computer would not turn off. I could not restart or anything. It was just sitting here and every time I moved the mouse, where the mouse went would turn black. Sons of bitches.
It's 1:11... why am I still awake? I have class at 10:30 tomorrow. I have to leave at 9:30. I really hate commuting. Can you believe I almost got a $100 fine today because some asshole cannot hear. I don't want to get into it. Some people just really do not care about their jobs... I know it must be boring and dull to do some things, but still... I don't know. Nevermind.
Random thoughts:
My computer is screwy off and on.
Her's is dying and has been dying forever.
My brother's will start up.
My school computers are always filled.
My teeth hurt.
Matt Sharp recorded Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" with former Rental and current SNLer Maya Rudolph... blah. Firstly, she's really cute. Secondly, she's really talented. Thirdly, she says "It's cool". Looking forward to that...
Nirvana is overrated...
Foo Fighters are underrated...
I want to see Blink at the Phoenix...
I miss Green Day...
When will Matt's solo album come out? Apparently, it's not done yet. I asked him personally.
Why do I get that feeling of impending doom when I think Weezer's album five?
Dr. Frank is a genius in my opinion.
Is it just me or did Sars just fall of the face of the earth?
I need to get my flu shot.
I also need to go to the dentist.
I need new glasses.
I like Starbucks.
I hate Second Cup.
I haven't had Bubble Tea in ages.
I like Gyros.
I'm sick of cold cuts.
Stacey's Mom doesn't really have it going on. The song is actually about the writer's grandmother. The band wanted it to sound like the Cars meets Rick Springfield.
A Rick Springfield line that sums me up - I want to tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot.
I find most people ugly.
I find hardly anyone attractive and / or cute.
I think that everything in life just happens. In a perfect world she and I would probably be together, maybe married, but at least closer to one another.
I think life is tiring.
I believe in Freud's death drive, though I think most of his complexes are just silly. Who really wants to sleep with their mother and kill their father. The second part maybe, but the first part?
I haven't even listened to the new Dashboard. I bought it right after the blackout.
Does anyone remember the blackout?
I really don't like Asian people... not that I like most people anyways.
I'm dying to live.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
A Song
So take one of "Sara Smiled At Me" is up here. I'm still working on getting the bugs out of the recording process. There's so much static from my computer that's feeding into my amp, plus I don't have enough cords so my mic is standing alone without a pre-amp. Also, the drums are too soft, the guitars are too loud, and it needs more moogs! I'm just making excuses... let the panning begin.
So take one of "Sara Smiled At Me" is up here. I'm still working on getting the bugs out of the recording process. There's so much static from my computer that's feeding into my amp, plus I don't have enough cords so my mic is standing alone without a pre-amp. Also, the drums are too soft, the guitars are too loud, and it needs more moogs! I'm just making excuses... let the panning begin.
Brian Wilson
I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Brian Wilson was 23 when he made Pet Sounds. Isn't that insane? Well, so was he. I'm in the mood to sleep. I just want to sleep. I want to lie in bed underneath four blankets, yes four blankets, and just lie there listening to random songs off my playlists. What have I been listening to lately? Not Tonight from the concert on Saturday has been playing a lot around these parts. Also listening to "You Went Away" by T & S.
I'm almost 23. It's really scary to think that Brian Wilson made that album at 23. It was so ahead of it's time, but at the same time was accepted. Songs like Wouldn't It Be Nice and God Only Knows came off of this album. There aren't that many albums that are considered genius or masterpiece. There's Pet Sounds, of course my Pinkerton, and few others. Nevermind was not genius. Nevermind the Bullocks was not genius. A lot of the "best albums" are just cultural things that do well, but aren't really all that great. To be honest, I don't think I can even listen to Nevermind anymore. The last time I heard Teen Spirit I just thought "This so sounds slow."
I think I want to dive my heart into music. I doubt I'll ever make a masterpiece or something most people will like, but if I like it then that's all that should matter.
I'm lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Brian Wilson was 23 when he made Pet Sounds. Isn't that insane? Well, so was he. I'm in the mood to sleep. I just want to sleep. I want to lie in bed underneath four blankets, yes four blankets, and just lie there listening to random songs off my playlists. What have I been listening to lately? Not Tonight from the concert on Saturday has been playing a lot around these parts. Also listening to "You Went Away" by T & S.
I'm almost 23. It's really scary to think that Brian Wilson made that album at 23. It was so ahead of it's time, but at the same time was accepted. Songs like Wouldn't It Be Nice and God Only Knows came off of this album. There aren't that many albums that are considered genius or masterpiece. There's Pet Sounds, of course my Pinkerton, and few others. Nevermind was not genius. Nevermind the Bullocks was not genius. A lot of the "best albums" are just cultural things that do well, but aren't really all that great. To be honest, I don't think I can even listen to Nevermind anymore. The last time I heard Teen Spirit I just thought "This so sounds slow."
I think I want to dive my heart into music. I doubt I'll ever make a masterpiece or something most people will like, but if I like it then that's all that should matter.
Stolen From Starz
I had a long post, but I don't feel like posting it today - random quiz stolen from one of the many great blogs found on your right:
1. Name: Unimportant
2. There are 3 wells: love, friends, happiness. If you can drink from only 2 of them, which ones do you drink from? Friendship and love... friendship leads to love and love leads to happiness.
3. Do you wish on stars? To quote a song I once wrote "I wish on stars that are not there".
4. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you? Steve Buschemi.
5. What TV show or movie title bests describes your life? Reality Bites
6. What is the #1 priority in your life? I don't even think I have one anymore.
7. Do you have any bad habits? Many... bite my nails a lot lately. I'm a nervous wreck lately.
8. What store would you never be caught dead in? York Bookstore.
9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Probably not because I'm not the type of person to make friends.
10. Do you follow or lead? Neither.
11. Have you ever told a secret that you swore you wouldn't repeat? I know many secrets. I am a good vault.
12.Have you ever stolen anything? Many things.
13. Do looks matter? Not before, but I think they do now. I was once with a gorgeous woman and I can't be with an ugmo now.
14. Do you pray? I don't believe in God anymore.
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? No... Rainbows are just light and illusion.
16. Are you trendy? I like hoodies... I hate jeans.
17. What do you do to vent anger? I write here.
18. Are you passive or aggressive? Passive.
19. Who is your idol? Matt Sharp, Dr. Frank, people that do what they want without thinking about the money.
20. Who is your second family? I don't really have a first family.
21. Do you trust others easily? I don't trust many people... I trust strangers a lot more than those I'm supposed to care about.
22. What was your favorite toy as a child? Toys? Child? Me? Anything I could wrestle.
23. What is the punch-line to your favorite joke? "That's not my belly button.... well that's not my finger."
24. Do you like sappy love songs? Sappy? No. Sincere? Yes.
25. Do you think your life so far has been good? No... not at all.
26. Which was your best Halloween costume? Robin from Batman.
27. Do you keep a diary? Not really... I keep this blog.
28. Have you ever intentionally hurt another person? Yes... I pushed someone off a chair once.
29. Do you like sarcasm? Depends...
30. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Not that I remember.
31. Do you always wear a seat belt? Yes... damn buses with no seat belts.
32. Do you drink milk? I suffer from... nevermind... no, I do not.
33. What is your stage name? Gigantic Asian Wang.
34. Did you pay money to see Honey I Shrunk The Kids? no
35. Would you rather be hot or cold? Cold and in many, many comforters.
36. What is the first thing on your Holiday list? Sigh... a hand in mine to feel.
37. Could you be a vegetarian? Yes... I don't really eat anymore.
38. What word do you use when you think something is good? grood - as in good... and great. Great and good.
39. Would you ever bungee jump? Yes... I sort of have a deathwish.
40. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? yes.
41. Who is your favorite boy band? Bay City Rollers.
42. Have you ever given money to a bum? Often.... I'm too nice.
43. What are you worried about right now? Oh... the rest of my life. If I'll ever fall in love again. If I'll ever see her again. If she and I are really done forever... really. I can keep going... will I get the sars? Will the next Weezer album be good?
44. Do you think you are strong (emotionally)? Not at all.
I had a long post, but I don't feel like posting it today - random quiz stolen from one of the many great blogs found on your right:
1. Name: Unimportant
2. There are 3 wells: love, friends, happiness. If you can drink from only 2 of them, which ones do you drink from? Friendship and love... friendship leads to love and love leads to happiness.
3. Do you wish on stars? To quote a song I once wrote "I wish on stars that are not there".
4. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you? Steve Buschemi.
5. What TV show or movie title bests describes your life? Reality Bites
6. What is the #1 priority in your life? I don't even think I have one anymore.
7. Do you have any bad habits? Many... bite my nails a lot lately. I'm a nervous wreck lately.
8. What store would you never be caught dead in? York Bookstore.
9. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Probably not because I'm not the type of person to make friends.
10. Do you follow or lead? Neither.
11. Have you ever told a secret that you swore you wouldn't repeat? I know many secrets. I am a good vault.
12.Have you ever stolen anything? Many things.
13. Do looks matter? Not before, but I think they do now. I was once with a gorgeous woman and I can't be with an ugmo now.
14. Do you pray? I don't believe in God anymore.
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? No... Rainbows are just light and illusion.
16. Are you trendy? I like hoodies... I hate jeans.
17. What do you do to vent anger? I write here.
18. Are you passive or aggressive? Passive.
19. Who is your idol? Matt Sharp, Dr. Frank, people that do what they want without thinking about the money.
20. Who is your second family? I don't really have a first family.
21. Do you trust others easily? I don't trust many people... I trust strangers a lot more than those I'm supposed to care about.
22. What was your favorite toy as a child? Toys? Child? Me? Anything I could wrestle.
23. What is the punch-line to your favorite joke? "That's not my belly button.... well that's not my finger."
24. Do you like sappy love songs? Sappy? No. Sincere? Yes.
25. Do you think your life so far has been good? No... not at all.
26. Which was your best Halloween costume? Robin from Batman.
27. Do you keep a diary? Not really... I keep this blog.
28. Have you ever intentionally hurt another person? Yes... I pushed someone off a chair once.
29. Do you like sarcasm? Depends...
30. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? Not that I remember.
31. Do you always wear a seat belt? Yes... damn buses with no seat belts.
32. Do you drink milk? I suffer from... nevermind... no, I do not.
33. What is your stage name? Gigantic Asian Wang.
34. Did you pay money to see Honey I Shrunk The Kids? no
35. Would you rather be hot or cold? Cold and in many, many comforters.
36. What is the first thing on your Holiday list? Sigh... a hand in mine to feel.
37. Could you be a vegetarian? Yes... I don't really eat anymore.
38. What word do you use when you think something is good? grood - as in good... and great. Great and good.
39. Would you ever bungee jump? Yes... I sort of have a deathwish.
40. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? yes.
41. Who is your favorite boy band? Bay City Rollers.
42. Have you ever given money to a bum? Often.... I'm too nice.
43. What are you worried about right now? Oh... the rest of my life. If I'll ever fall in love again. If I'll ever see her again. If she and I are really done forever... really. I can keep going... will I get the sars? Will the next Weezer album be good?
44. Do you think you are strong (emotionally)? Not at all.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Blah!!!
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel
That is all for today.
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel
That is all for today.
Music From A to Z
Favourite song by:
AC / DC: Back In Black
Backstreet Boys: I Want It That Way
Cars: My Best-Friend's Girl
Devo: Jocko Homo
Everclear: Santa Monica
Foo Fighters: Up In Arms
Green Day: Worry Rock
Hard Core Logo: China White
Iggy Pop: The Passenger
Jackson Five: I Want You Back
Kasey Chambers: Don't Go
Loverboy: Turn Me Loose
Motorhead: Ace of Spades
Nirvana: Where Did You Sleep Last Night
Oasis: Married With Children
Prince: When Doves Cry
Queen: Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Rentals: She Says It's Alright
Stone Temple Pilots: Lady Picture Show
Take That: Back For Good
U2: One
Vaselines: Molly's Lips
Weezer: Across The Sea
X: Johnny Hit And Run Paulene
Neil Young: Only Love Can Break Your Heart
Zuckerbaby: Shampoo
Favourite song by:
AC / DC: Back In Black
Backstreet Boys: I Want It That Way
Cars: My Best-Friend's Girl
Devo: Jocko Homo
Everclear: Santa Monica
Foo Fighters: Up In Arms
Green Day: Worry Rock
Hard Core Logo: China White
Iggy Pop: The Passenger
Jackson Five: I Want You Back
Kasey Chambers: Don't Go
Loverboy: Turn Me Loose
Motorhead: Ace of Spades
Nirvana: Where Did You Sleep Last Night
Oasis: Married With Children
Prince: When Doves Cry
Queen: Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Rentals: She Says It's Alright
Stone Temple Pilots: Lady Picture Show
Take That: Back For Good
U2: One
Vaselines: Molly's Lips
Weezer: Across The Sea
X: Johnny Hit And Run Paulene
Neil Young: Only Love Can Break Your Heart
Zuckerbaby: Shampoo
Monday, November 03, 2003
Kudos My Hero
So I met Matt Sharp on Saturday. Let me rephrase that, I, probably one of the biggest Rentals fans in the world, who in grade eight actually liked The Return of the Rentals more than the Blue Album, whose favourite album is slowly becoming Seven More Minutes, and who has loved the moog ever since he saw Matt on "Fax" (Much News) when he was in eighth grade, met Matt Sharp. Yup... I actually had the guts to go up to him this time. My cousin got his autograph. He was a really nice guy.
Excerpt from the cocert:
Ahem... I... err ah... I recorded the concert on my tape recorder so I hope to post some MP3s of the show sometime soon. Aside from "She Says It's Alright", Matt and Sara singing "Not Tonight" is one of my favourites, as well as a new T & S song that I do not know the title of.
On a side note, I've been trying to record my song about Sara all last night but there's something wrong with something. I think it's my patch chords. I'm out of money in my cheuqing account. I had $500 in there a month ago - minus books, food, tape recorder, and Tony Hawk and Smackdown. Yea, that's about $500. So patch chords will be my last purchase. Christmas shopping? I have to go Christmas shopping? Bah... good thing I hate my parents so I don't have to get them anything. And I don't know a thing about my brother anymore so I have no clue to what to get him... perhaps another book... eww. But I have to get him something since his birthday is so close to Christmas. I can't stiff him twice. And then there's my cousin and my aunts and uncles and my friends and the girl... I gave her my heart last year, maybe this year she'd like a food dehydrator? Jack Lalane Juice Tiger? Ab Isolator? Bedazzler? I do not know. I make about $70 a week ever since school started. I need to start saving.
1) Eat out once a week only.
2) Alternate accounts - one week deposit in savings, the next in cheuqing.
3) No more debit use - pay in cash only.
4) Do not use change jar money.
5) Record album and get rich and famous.
6) Meet Joel Madden and tell him how much you hate the way he bobs his head when singing "These are a few of her favourite things".
So I met Matt Sharp on Saturday. Let me rephrase that, I, probably one of the biggest Rentals fans in the world, who in grade eight actually liked The Return of the Rentals more than the Blue Album, whose favourite album is slowly becoming Seven More Minutes, and who has loved the moog ever since he saw Matt on "Fax" (Much News) when he was in eighth grade, met Matt Sharp. Yup... I actually had the guts to go up to him this time. My cousin got his autograph. He was a really nice guy.
Excerpt from the cocert:
Audience Member # 1: Play "She Says It's Alright".It was easily the best show I've ever been to. I don't know why, but it was much better than the same show I saw Thursday. I don't know why... the venue? It was like a hall. It reminded me of a prom or something. It was like a banquet hall kind of and it just had this prom feel to it. At least it didn't have that same eighth grade basement dance as the show in June.
Matt Sharp: Okay.
AM1: Yes!
Audience Member # 2: Play Barcelona.
Matt Sharp: No.
Ahem... I... err ah... I recorded the concert on my tape recorder so I hope to post some MP3s of the show sometime soon. Aside from "She Says It's Alright", Matt and Sara singing "Not Tonight" is one of my favourites, as well as a new T & S song that I do not know the title of.
On a side note, I've been trying to record my song about Sara all last night but there's something wrong with something. I think it's my patch chords. I'm out of money in my cheuqing account. I had $500 in there a month ago - minus books, food, tape recorder, and Tony Hawk and Smackdown. Yea, that's about $500. So patch chords will be my last purchase. Christmas shopping? I have to go Christmas shopping? Bah... good thing I hate my parents so I don't have to get them anything. And I don't know a thing about my brother anymore so I have no clue to what to get him... perhaps another book... eww. But I have to get him something since his birthday is so close to Christmas. I can't stiff him twice. And then there's my cousin and my aunts and uncles and my friends and the girl... I gave her my heart last year, maybe this year she'd like a food dehydrator? Jack Lalane Juice Tiger? Ab Isolator? Bedazzler? I do not know. I make about $70 a week ever since school started. I need to start saving.
1) Eat out once a week only.
2) Alternate accounts - one week deposit in savings, the next in cheuqing.
3) No more debit use - pay in cash only.
4) Do not use change jar money.
5) Record album and get rich and famous.
6) Meet Joel Madden and tell him how much you hate the way he bobs his head when singing "These are a few of her favourite things".
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Inner Dialogue
Head: You know you're losing her.
Heart: I know.
Head: You know she still loves you though.
Heart: I know.
Head: It's not the end of the world.
Heart: I know.
Head: So why so sad?
Heart: I'm not that sad.
Head: Yes you are.
Heart: No... I'm just tired. I'll be okay someday.
Head: At least we met Matt Sharp.
Heart: Yea. It broke me when he sang "She Says It's alright".
Head: I never should have told the lips to yell at him to play it.
Heart: It's okay.
Head: We've got our entire lives ahead of us. She's moving on with her life and so should we.
Heart: I know. It's just that she has people to move on with and I feel like I'm losing my best-friend.
Head: It happens.
Heart: It's your fault ya know.
Head: Me? What did I do?
Heart: Your paranoia. You thinking if it would ever happen. If we could ever make it. All of your fucking worry. You pushed her away and with her so far away already it feels like she's farther than ever before.
Head: Maybe it was my fault.
Heart: It was my fault too. We realized it too late.
Head: What too late?
Heart: That she's the most amazing, beautiful and all around hilarious person we'll ever know.
Head: Maybe we'll find someone else? Sara smiled at us once.
Heart: Tegan and Sara are gay.
Head: Together.
Heart: No, not together. Why are you the brains of this operation?
Head: You're not doing such a great job yourself.
Heart: I think I am. I felt love. I felt pain. We've gone through a lot.
Head: That's true.
(A Beat)
Head: I’ll make you a promise. We’ll get better one day.
Heart: Do you really think so?
Head: We can’t spend our life wishing on her again. It’s not our fault this didn’t happen.
Heart: It’s not hers.
Head: No, it’s definitely not hers.
Heart: So why did this happen?
Head: It just did. We can think about why this happened or why we’re not together or how we’ll never be together for the rest our lives, but what would be the point.
Heart: It’s just not fair that it happened.
Head: Life isn’t fair.
Heart: I just always thought that everyone gets something in life and we don’t have anything. For a brief moment we had everything and now we don’t have a thing.
Head: We’ve got something.
Heart: What?
Head: Well… There’s…
Heart: Exactly. We don’t have anything.
Head: She’s moved on, so should we.
Heart: But that’s the problem. I don’t want to move on. I’m still in love with her. I try to move on, but I still think of her. We do things to pass the time… we watch TV, we got to concerts, we play video games, we even do homework now, but the moment we’re alone, lying in bed, driving the Voyager, working on cash, we miss her.
Head: I know.
Heart: And it’s not that easy to just get over someone. It’s not easy to come to the truth. When you fall in love with your best-friend and you break-up, there’s no one there to cry to.
Head: We haven’t been crying that much anymore. Two weeks ago we were crying ourselves to sleep every night and now we don’t even cry when we hear Total Eclipse of the Heart.
Heart: It makes us laugh now because of Old School.
Head: True.
(A beat)
Head: We love her, right?
Heart: Yes… a lot.
Head: And we just want her to be happy.
Heart: Yea.
Head: Do you think she’s happy now?
Heart: -
Head: Be honest.
Heart: Yea. Yea, I do.
Head: She couldn’t wait around for us forever. Forget love, even being best-friends can’t withstand the distance.
Heart: That’s what hurts the most. I tried so hard at this. For the first time in our lives, I did the thinking. I was in control. I made the decisions. We worked together and wanted something. We really wanted something.
Head: And we failed?
Heart: Exactly. We failed.
Head: We did not fail.
Heart: What are you talking about? We’re all alone and lonely, how is that success?
Head: The point is she’s happy. She’s doing good now. Isn’t that all you ever really wanted.
Heart: Well, I’d rather have her in my arms, but yea, we’ve always just wanted her to be happy. I just thought we’d have a bigger role. We went from best friends to love back to best friends and now we’re just friends. I just wish we could be more special to her.
Head: We are. We’re probably too special.
Heart: What the fuck are you talking about?
Head: Do you think she likes us so far away? Do you think she wanted to fall in love with a guy a billion kilometres away? She couldn’t spend her life waiting on us and now we can’t spend ours waiting on her.
Heart (singing Waiting by the Rentals): Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Head: Exactly. She went on because she had to. We have to too.
Heart: I’m still in love with her.
Head: So am I.
Heart: And we’re never going to find anyone quite like her.
Head: I know.
Heart: But we’ve got to move on.
Head: Yes.
Heart: We’ll have to settle for a silver middle.
Head: No, gold. She was platinum.
Heart: Yea, she was.
Head: Sigh… you never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them.
Heart: I’ve always hated living without her.
Head: Yea.
Heart: She had the most amazing eyes.
Head: Yea.
Heart: And voice.
Head: Yea.
Heart: And nose.
Head: Yes, I am aware. She was drop dead gorgeous.
Heart: Okay, I’m done.
Head: Are you sure?
Heart: For now.
Head: That’s good.
Heart: I just hope we can find trust again.
Head: Not love?
Heart: No. Trust will have to do.
Head: Then trust it is.
Heart: I hope things between the girl get a little bit better now that we’re starting to get passed everything.
Head: Probably.
Heart: Have you given up?
Head: Honestly… no.
Heart: Neither have I.
Head: We love her too much.
Heart: I know.
Head: I really want a gyro.
Heart: From heart break to heart burn.
Head: You know you're losing her.
Heart: I know.
Head: You know she still loves you though.
Heart: I know.
Head: It's not the end of the world.
Heart: I know.
Head: So why so sad?
Heart: I'm not that sad.
Head: Yes you are.
Heart: No... I'm just tired. I'll be okay someday.
Head: At least we met Matt Sharp.
Heart: Yea. It broke me when he sang "She Says It's alright".
Head: I never should have told the lips to yell at him to play it.
Heart: It's okay.
Head: We've got our entire lives ahead of us. She's moving on with her life and so should we.
Heart: I know. It's just that she has people to move on with and I feel like I'm losing my best-friend.
Head: It happens.
Heart: It's your fault ya know.
Head: Me? What did I do?
Heart: Your paranoia. You thinking if it would ever happen. If we could ever make it. All of your fucking worry. You pushed her away and with her so far away already it feels like she's farther than ever before.
Head: Maybe it was my fault.
Heart: It was my fault too. We realized it too late.
Head: What too late?
Heart: That she's the most amazing, beautiful and all around hilarious person we'll ever know.
Head: Maybe we'll find someone else? Sara smiled at us once.
Heart: Tegan and Sara are gay.
Head: Together.
Heart: No, not together. Why are you the brains of this operation?
Head: You're not doing such a great job yourself.
Heart: I think I am. I felt love. I felt pain. We've gone through a lot.
Head: That's true.
(A Beat)
Head: I’ll make you a promise. We’ll get better one day.
Heart: Do you really think so?
Head: We can’t spend our life wishing on her again. It’s not our fault this didn’t happen.
Heart: It’s not hers.
Head: No, it’s definitely not hers.
Heart: So why did this happen?
Head: It just did. We can think about why this happened or why we’re not together or how we’ll never be together for the rest our lives, but what would be the point.
Heart: It’s just not fair that it happened.
Head: Life isn’t fair.
Heart: I just always thought that everyone gets something in life and we don’t have anything. For a brief moment we had everything and now we don’t have a thing.
Head: We’ve got something.
Heart: What?
Head: Well… There’s…
Heart: Exactly. We don’t have anything.
Head: She’s moved on, so should we.
Heart: But that’s the problem. I don’t want to move on. I’m still in love with her. I try to move on, but I still think of her. We do things to pass the time… we watch TV, we got to concerts, we play video games, we even do homework now, but the moment we’re alone, lying in bed, driving the Voyager, working on cash, we miss her.
Head: I know.
Heart: And it’s not that easy to just get over someone. It’s not easy to come to the truth. When you fall in love with your best-friend and you break-up, there’s no one there to cry to.
Head: We haven’t been crying that much anymore. Two weeks ago we were crying ourselves to sleep every night and now we don’t even cry when we hear Total Eclipse of the Heart.
Heart: It makes us laugh now because of Old School.
Head: True.
(A beat)
Head: We love her, right?
Heart: Yes… a lot.
Head: And we just want her to be happy.
Heart: Yea.
Head: Do you think she’s happy now?
Heart: -
Head: Be honest.
Heart: Yea. Yea, I do.
Head: She couldn’t wait around for us forever. Forget love, even being best-friends can’t withstand the distance.
Heart: That’s what hurts the most. I tried so hard at this. For the first time in our lives, I did the thinking. I was in control. I made the decisions. We worked together and wanted something. We really wanted something.
Head: And we failed?
Heart: Exactly. We failed.
Head: We did not fail.
Heart: What are you talking about? We’re all alone and lonely, how is that success?
Head: The point is she’s happy. She’s doing good now. Isn’t that all you ever really wanted.
Heart: Well, I’d rather have her in my arms, but yea, we’ve always just wanted her to be happy. I just thought we’d have a bigger role. We went from best friends to love back to best friends and now we’re just friends. I just wish we could be more special to her.
Head: We are. We’re probably too special.
Heart: What the fuck are you talking about?
Head: Do you think she likes us so far away? Do you think she wanted to fall in love with a guy a billion kilometres away? She couldn’t spend her life waiting on us and now we can’t spend ours waiting on her.
Heart (singing Waiting by the Rentals): Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Head: Exactly. She went on because she had to. We have to too.
Heart: I’m still in love with her.
Head: So am I.
Heart: And we’re never going to find anyone quite like her.
Head: I know.
Heart: But we’ve got to move on.
Head: Yes.
Heart: We’ll have to settle for a silver middle.
Head: No, gold. She was platinum.
Heart: Yea, she was.
Head: Sigh… you never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them.
Heart: I’ve always hated living without her.
Head: Yea.
Heart: She had the most amazing eyes.
Head: Yea.
Heart: And voice.
Head: Yea.
Heart: And nose.
Head: Yes, I am aware. She was drop dead gorgeous.
Heart: Okay, I’m done.
Head: Are you sure?
Heart: For now.
Head: That’s good.
Heart: I just hope we can find trust again.
Head: Not love?
Heart: No. Trust will have to do.
Head: Then trust it is.
Heart: I hope things between the girl get a little bit better now that we’re starting to get passed everything.
Head: Probably.
Heart: Have you given up?
Head: Honestly… no.
Heart: Neither have I.
Head: We love her too much.
Heart: I know.
Head: I really want a gyro.
Heart: From heart break to heart burn.
