anti-social commentaries version 2.1
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
It Must Be Wrong
This will be my last entry on this site.
I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm abadoning the realm of Anti-Social Commentaries... again. I feel like a point in my life, the point of my life that I was wanting to reflect with these journals, has passed... and then some. I know I'll probably go back to "Anti-Social Commentaries" banner one day, but sticking with it right now doesn't seem right , right now.
I feel like I should end this with something long and winded and thoughtful as most of my enteries are, but I'm empty and out of thought. There's nothing left to say or think or emote... For the last few weeks I've been looking for something to say, something to write about, something to feel, but I've run out. I'll leave you with the words of an Ozma song that I've been driving around to a lot lately entitled "Natlie Portman":
"There's nothing, nothing, nothing I can do..."
I'm sorry this isn't ending with something optimistic or inspirational as the other had, but it's not in me at this moment of time. To sum this journal up, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... Maybe I can make this long and winded.
Tegan and Sara's version of Prince's "When You Were Mine" just popped up. It's a song I've loved and been tortured by since I saw them last October (and then again in November). I've mentioned the song a few updates back, (Nov 12), and it still rings pretty clear today. Everything in my life is pretty much filled with love and torture. The songs I love the most, the movies, the TV shows... can you believe I've never been able to watch Maternity Ward since then. I drive by the Tim Horton's that's now covered in snow and I smile and tear up a bit. Even Lauren's pink walls remind me of St. Elmo's Fire. I guess my life is filled with love and torture. The contrast of beauty. It's kind of like wrestling. The amount of skill it takes to put on a good wrestling match, but you still know that the wrestlers get realy banged up.
I think that's what it comes down to... I usually feel tortured when I write on this damn thing. It all comes off one sided and one-dimensional. It's all whiney and sad... there's more to me than that. Sure, I think a good part of me is sad, but there are other parts... I really have to find them again, I guess.
The archives will be up on a geocities site - here. If I ever end up writing somewhere else, and you'd like to know where e-mail me at anti_social_commentaries@yahoo.com
I'll leave you with my high school grad comment: Good-bye, good luck, good riddance... a dreamer.
This will be my last entry on this site.
I'm not sure why exactly, but I'm abadoning the realm of Anti-Social Commentaries... again. I feel like a point in my life, the point of my life that I was wanting to reflect with these journals, has passed... and then some. I know I'll probably go back to "Anti-Social Commentaries" banner one day, but sticking with it right now doesn't seem right , right now.
I feel like I should end this with something long and winded and thoughtful as most of my enteries are, but I'm empty and out of thought. There's nothing left to say or think or emote... For the last few weeks I've been looking for something to say, something to write about, something to feel, but I've run out. I'll leave you with the words of an Ozma song that I've been driving around to a lot lately entitled "Natlie Portman":
"There's nothing, nothing, nothing I can do..."
I'm sorry this isn't ending with something optimistic or inspirational as the other had, but it's not in me at this moment of time. To sum this journal up, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.... Maybe I can make this long and winded.
Tegan and Sara's version of Prince's "When You Were Mine" just popped up. It's a song I've loved and been tortured by since I saw them last October (and then again in November). I've mentioned the song a few updates back, (Nov 12), and it still rings pretty clear today. Everything in my life is pretty much filled with love and torture. The songs I love the most, the movies, the TV shows... can you believe I've never been able to watch Maternity Ward since then. I drive by the Tim Horton's that's now covered in snow and I smile and tear up a bit. Even Lauren's pink walls remind me of St. Elmo's Fire. I guess my life is filled with love and torture. The contrast of beauty. It's kind of like wrestling. The amount of skill it takes to put on a good wrestling match, but you still know that the wrestlers get realy banged up.
I think that's what it comes down to... I usually feel tortured when I write on this damn thing. It all comes off one sided and one-dimensional. It's all whiney and sad... there's more to me than that. Sure, I think a good part of me is sad, but there are other parts... I really have to find them again, I guess.
The archives will be up on a geocities site - here. If I ever end up writing somewhere else, and you'd like to know where e-mail me at anti_social_commentaries@yahoo.com
I'll leave you with my high school grad comment: Good-bye, good luck, good riddance... a dreamer.
Friday, January 09, 2004
She's Not A Flower
Highlight of my year thus far came in the mail today.
I probably stated this last year, but I'm looking forward to this year... at least musically. At the end of last year Blink put out a pretty brilliant record. I went at great lengths just to listen to it. It has that damn CD-protection on it so it won't play on my computer, and since I'm probably the only person in the world to not have a CD player, so I took my DVD player, hook it up to my tape player, used an adapter to hook that up to my crappy computer speakers and voila "I Miss You" rules.
Next week, the Mr T Experience releases their first album since "Alcatraz" in 1999. I'm probably most excited about this album more than anything else coming out this year. Excited and scared... scared that it will suck, but excited that I might have some new music to listen to. The band's going on tour next month and of course they're not coming to Toronto. Bastards.
Also coming out this year, new albums by Weezer, Green Day, and Matt Sharp. I'm quite sure Matt's album will be amazing considering a cover of Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" will be on the album with Maya Rudolph singing on it. Green Day will, as always, put something out worth listening to. As for Weezer, I might give up on the band if this one isn't good. It's pretty sad how little I've listen to Maladroit... Rick Ruben?
Anyways... music is good. At least it will be when my plans of assisinating Britney Spearks husband come into light... what? They got divorced? I thought that were going to last.
Highlight of my year thus far came in the mail today.
I probably stated this last year, but I'm looking forward to this year... at least musically. At the end of last year Blink put out a pretty brilliant record. I went at great lengths just to listen to it. It has that damn CD-protection on it so it won't play on my computer, and since I'm probably the only person in the world to not have a CD player, so I took my DVD player, hook it up to my tape player, used an adapter to hook that up to my crappy computer speakers and voila "I Miss You" rules.
Next week, the Mr T Experience releases their first album since "Alcatraz" in 1999. I'm probably most excited about this album more than anything else coming out this year. Excited and scared... scared that it will suck, but excited that I might have some new music to listen to. The band's going on tour next month and of course they're not coming to Toronto. Bastards.
Also coming out this year, new albums by Weezer, Green Day, and Matt Sharp. I'm quite sure Matt's album will be amazing considering a cover of Tegan and Sara's "Not Tonight" will be on the album with Maya Rudolph singing on it. Green Day will, as always, put something out worth listening to. As for Weezer, I might give up on the band if this one isn't good. It's pretty sad how little I've listen to Maladroit... Rick Ruben?
Anyways... music is good. At least it will be when my plans of assisinating Britney Spearks husband come into light... what? They got divorced? I thought that were going to last.
Every Morning
I'm starting to feel less and less confident with everything I do. I'm oddly feeling more energetic every morning. I wake up with the actual energy. I still don't want to get up much for I like the warmth of three or four comforters, but I actually have energy when I wake up. The sad thing is, I have all this energy and nowhere to put it (although I have been exercising a bit).
I've really had it with my computer. It blows up, I get booted, it has more viruses than Christina Agueliera... Why can't my brother just get his to work instead of fucking with mine. I haven't formated and cleaned it up in so long. When I got it back last month I had to reinstall window (good thing it didn't format). I'll make that my goal this weekend - fix computer. Of course I'm working 18 hours, but I'm sure I'll find some time.
For some reason I've been wanting to listen to Prince lately. I don't know why. Let's Go Crazy is a song in one of my favourite Skate Videos. When You Were Mind constantly rings in my head. When Doves Cry is just so amazing. I think I'll rent Purple Rain.
Finally, I gotta get out of my house. It's either that of 1) Kill Jecho. 2) Kill myself. Or 3) Kill Jecho.
I'm starting to feel less and less confident with everything I do. I'm oddly feeling more energetic every morning. I wake up with the actual energy. I still don't want to get up much for I like the warmth of three or four comforters, but I actually have energy when I wake up. The sad thing is, I have all this energy and nowhere to put it (although I have been exercising a bit).
I've really had it with my computer. It blows up, I get booted, it has more viruses than Christina Agueliera... Why can't my brother just get his to work instead of fucking with mine. I haven't formated and cleaned it up in so long. When I got it back last month I had to reinstall window (good thing it didn't format). I'll make that my goal this weekend - fix computer. Of course I'm working 18 hours, but I'm sure I'll find some time.
For some reason I've been wanting to listen to Prince lately. I don't know why. Let's Go Crazy is a song in one of my favourite Skate Videos. When You Were Mind constantly rings in my head. When Doves Cry is just so amazing. I think I'll rent Purple Rain.
Finally, I gotta get out of my house. It's either that of 1) Kill Jecho. 2) Kill myself. Or 3) Kill Jecho.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Memory
You know what's a great song? Memory from Cats. The whole play is actually just about Cats... I always thought it was just a stupid joke, but really there's no real topsy tirvy story to the play other than it's a bunch of cats. Art is so stupid.
You know what's a great song? Memory from Cats. The whole play is actually just about Cats... I always thought it was just a stupid joke, but really there's no real topsy tirvy story to the play other than it's a bunch of cats. Art is so stupid.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
Fat Lip
I woke up this morning with a fat lip. Woke up? Woke up implies the idea of getting a night of sleep. I have not had one of those for quite awhile. I think I slept for like a half hour last night (this morning?). I'm really not feeling up to the task of having to sleep. I've been so... I don't know... aloof over the week, but I think I have just cause for those who know why... and if you don't know then too bad.
I spent a lot of time with children over the holidays. My cousin's baby the greatest girl on earth... damn girl. Jazz-mine - I know have a real picture of her opposed to the couple of hundred that I have on my computer. Also, there's this little girl, my cousin's cousin, such an adorable little bubbly thing.
Holidays... well, how were they? It was okay. Oddly, I spent quite a bit of money on people and also put a lot of thought into presents and a lot of people either got me nothing or something horrible. For those that don't know, my parents never get me presents - birthdays, Christmas, graduation - but lo and behold they got me something and they didn't disappoint. It would have disappointed me if they didn't disappoint me which they didn't (read that back if you must). They got me... (looks sneakily from left to right)... get this... a Bugle Boy sweater. A Bugle Boy sweater? Why on earth would someone think of giving me a Bugle Boy sweater? It is the ugliest thing on earth. It's white with black writing. Why? I told my mother flat out - "I'm never wearing this" and she said "I know".
On the good side... hmm... my cousin with the baby got me a new beanie which rules. My cousins got me Cool Runnings on DVD which is funny inside joke for it's a movie that has its moments. My brother got me two boxes of chocolate which is ridiculous for I bought them myself...
FLASHBACK - DEC 23, 2003
Brother: Did you buy Christmas presents this year?
Dreamer: Yea.
Brother: Can I give you fifty bucks and you put my name on everything.
Dreamer: Umm... no.
So I ended up just buying him a bunch of chocolate from my store and him giving them as gifts. I also got a new Buttercup doll which I just put with the rest of them. A lot of disappointment as usual. Isn't Christmas supposed to make you realize that people love and care about you? For me it just makes me realize how little anyone has a clue to who I am.
I was thinking about love earlier today. I really want to share my life with someone... maybe have kids or something. I just don't know if I can ever trust someone again. It's not that there isn't anyone trustworthy out there, it's just that I'm not willing to trust anyone.
Final thought: I have the most horrible song in my head... I don't know what it's called. It's that horrible Britanny Spears song with Madonna... get out of my head! Hey Britanny! Get out... Get in the zone... I've been watching far too much Much Music. At least it's not Fuse.
I woke up this morning with a fat lip. Woke up? Woke up implies the idea of getting a night of sleep. I have not had one of those for quite awhile. I think I slept for like a half hour last night (this morning?). I'm really not feeling up to the task of having to sleep. I've been so... I don't know... aloof over the week, but I think I have just cause for those who know why... and if you don't know then too bad.
I spent a lot of time with children over the holidays. My cousin's baby the greatest girl on earth... damn girl. Jazz-mine - I know have a real picture of her opposed to the couple of hundred that I have on my computer. Also, there's this little girl, my cousin's cousin, such an adorable little bubbly thing.
Holidays... well, how were they? It was okay. Oddly, I spent quite a bit of money on people and also put a lot of thought into presents and a lot of people either got me nothing or something horrible. For those that don't know, my parents never get me presents - birthdays, Christmas, graduation - but lo and behold they got me something and they didn't disappoint. It would have disappointed me if they didn't disappoint me which they didn't (read that back if you must). They got me... (looks sneakily from left to right)... get this... a Bugle Boy sweater. A Bugle Boy sweater? Why on earth would someone think of giving me a Bugle Boy sweater? It is the ugliest thing on earth. It's white with black writing. Why? I told my mother flat out - "I'm never wearing this" and she said "I know".
On the good side... hmm... my cousin with the baby got me a new beanie which rules. My cousins got me Cool Runnings on DVD which is funny inside joke for it's a movie that has its moments. My brother got me two boxes of chocolate which is ridiculous for I bought them myself...
FLASHBACK - DEC 23, 2003
Brother: Did you buy Christmas presents this year?
Dreamer: Yea.
Brother: Can I give you fifty bucks and you put my name on everything.
Dreamer: Umm... no.
So I ended up just buying him a bunch of chocolate from my store and him giving them as gifts. I also got a new Buttercup doll which I just put with the rest of them. A lot of disappointment as usual. Isn't Christmas supposed to make you realize that people love and care about you? For me it just makes me realize how little anyone has a clue to who I am.
I was thinking about love earlier today. I really want to share my life with someone... maybe have kids or something. I just don't know if I can ever trust someone again. It's not that there isn't anyone trustworthy out there, it's just that I'm not willing to trust anyone.
Final thought: I have the most horrible song in my head... I don't know what it's called. It's that horrible Britanny Spears song with Madonna... get out of my head! Hey Britanny! Get out... Get in the zone... I've been watching far too much Much Music. At least it's not Fuse.
Only Time
Yes, just like the Enya song that raped our ears like a Catholic priest with a 12 year-old alter boy.
I've always heard that time heals all wounds, but I don't know if that really makes sense. Suppose you're being tortured and your torturers (sp?) first cut you over your chest, and leave you dangling from a chain so that you cannot move. They leave you for the day. The next day, instead of making a new cut they decided to just spread the cut from the day before. Supposed this happened for the rest of your life. Everyday they would torture you by making the cut slightly bigger by the day. In this case I guess time would not heal this wound, it would only make it bigger and more painful.
The insight into my life on that analogy is so simple.
What could help this tortured soul? He/she could either break out or wait to be rescued. It kind of reminds me of the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Great, I'm the gimp that gets raped everyday.
Anyways, I saw a movie yesterday that I've seen a poster of it hanging in a friend's apartment for quite a long time - Waking Life. I was impressed. I wasn't a big fan of the animation much, it was so Rotoscoped/ Betty Boop. It just didn't look right in some areas and I think it could have been a lot more visual, but it was great to Jesse and Celine which should hold me over until the sequel is made.
Last thing: Watch "Big Fish" if you get the chance. I'm actually thinking of watching it again.
Yes, just like the Enya song that raped our ears like a Catholic priest with a 12 year-old alter boy.
I've always heard that time heals all wounds, but I don't know if that really makes sense. Suppose you're being tortured and your torturers (sp?) first cut you over your chest, and leave you dangling from a chain so that you cannot move. They leave you for the day. The next day, instead of making a new cut they decided to just spread the cut from the day before. Supposed this happened for the rest of your life. Everyday they would torture you by making the cut slightly bigger by the day. In this case I guess time would not heal this wound, it would only make it bigger and more painful.
The insight into my life on that analogy is so simple.
What could help this tortured soul? He/she could either break out or wait to be rescued. It kind of reminds me of the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Great, I'm the gimp that gets raped everyday.
Anyways, I saw a movie yesterday that I've seen a poster of it hanging in a friend's apartment for quite a long time - Waking Life. I was impressed. I wasn't a big fan of the animation much, it was so Rotoscoped/ Betty Boop. It just didn't look right in some areas and I think it could have been a lot more visual, but it was great to Jesse and Celine which should hold me over until the sequel is made.
Last thing: Watch "Big Fish" if you get the chance. I'm actually thinking of watching it again.
Friday, January 02, 2004
Wouldn't It Be Good If We Could Be Together?
So it's a new year. New Year's always makes me look back at the year that's just past. I'm thinking about 2003 and haven't made any decisions. I'm on the fence wondering if it was the best year of my life or the worst. It's so close. I don't know.
I spent my break alone for the most part. There's been something on my mind for awhile. I've been wanting to tell someone something but I haven't been able to get a hold of her... plus I've been a little nervous to say it. It's nothing bad. It's quite good actually... not sappy or lovey dovey or anything. Anyways...
2003... It was the year where I was happy for a time. For a short time things made sense, but once things stopped making sense then the confusion seemed to double, triple, and cause this depression I've fallen into. I don't know if it's depression, but I'm definitely of sane mind. I got in a car accident the other day because this distant mind of mind. I was just driving and I didn't notice the light was red so broke really hard... I got rear-ended (insert gay joke [so a guy rear ended me]). It was nothing big. It was just a ding, but nothing bad. We're not even filing it with the insurance. But it just got me thinking about stuff... I could have died if someone dumber and more Asian of a driver was the one behind me. Say a mack truck hit me. You never know...
I've been really quiet lately... as you can see by my lack of enteries. I just don't have anything to say. I've realized that everything in my life is unimportant... granted, relationships are important - friends and the others in your life that you actually like - but it feels like my life is insignificant. I know, we aren't all meant to be kings among men like a John Lennon or JFK or something, but I never really asked for that. I never really wanted anything like that. I guess the fact is that I really don't know what I want. I think I've always been a complex individual with different thoughts, views, and opinions than the average person... you probably wouldn't be reading this if you thought otherwise.
All I know is that I'm unhappy with my life. Nothing seems right. I dream about a girl that's a million miles away. True, I love her a lot, but I missed my chance. I live with these people who I hate and wish death upon. True, I don't have any money, but living in the gutter is probably better than this place. I'm thinking of leaving it all behind... in fact, I thought of blowing my brains out, but that was a little haste. I have to leave. I should have left a long time ago. Perhaps we might be together if I had.
A year ago I was looking forward to the rest of my life, but now I'm scared. I don't know how much more of the rest of my life I can take. I live my life everyday and think of the happiest I ever was which was just about a year ago. I relive the moment often. It was honestly a fraction of time, maybe two seconds or so. I live my life hoping to feel that good again, but I also live my life knowing that I probably won't.
This is the saddest entry ever, isn't it? The thing is, I want to get better. I'm starting to think of things and ways to get out of here. I might not end up with the girl, but that's okay. Maybe I wasn't supposed to end up with the girl. Maybe I'm destined for something else. The girl is apart of my life whom I feel sorry. I feel like I let her down which probably dissappoints me even more. I figured things out too late and it took me far too long. I'm happy to know you feel better with your life now because the friend in me smiles at that... But my broken heart just can't seem to heal. God knows I want to get better, but when you have the girl of your dreams in your arms, you never want to let go of that.
Destined for something else? I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in things being meant to be. But there are things that happen that just feel right... fuck fate and the all knowing being some call God. I think I have to just do what feels right.
To the girl - I'm on my laptop. The bridge has been resurected. I checked my mail and it was empty... I'm sure you must have sent me something. Battards at Yahoo erased all of my old e-mails again. E-mail me when you get the chance.
To everyone - I'm sorry for how I've been. It's not my fault, but I've felt so down for a very long time. I can't remember the last time that I honestly felt good about anything... I don't know when or if I'll get better, so please don't mind my uncomfortable silences. Dragging me places is fine... it's great really. It's not you, it's me.
So... 2003? Hmm... I'm going to have to go with best year of my life. The bullshit that flowed throughout the year was nothing in comparisson to the happiness at the beginning. I know at the end of 2004 I'll depressed again so... I don't know... anyways... what the hell am I trying to say? Let's just say "Hey".
So it's a new year. New Year's always makes me look back at the year that's just past. I'm thinking about 2003 and haven't made any decisions. I'm on the fence wondering if it was the best year of my life or the worst. It's so close. I don't know.
I spent my break alone for the most part. There's been something on my mind for awhile. I've been wanting to tell someone something but I haven't been able to get a hold of her... plus I've been a little nervous to say it. It's nothing bad. It's quite good actually... not sappy or lovey dovey or anything. Anyways...
2003... It was the year where I was happy for a time. For a short time things made sense, but once things stopped making sense then the confusion seemed to double, triple, and cause this depression I've fallen into. I don't know if it's depression, but I'm definitely of sane mind. I got in a car accident the other day because this distant mind of mind. I was just driving and I didn't notice the light was red so broke really hard... I got rear-ended (insert gay joke [so a guy rear ended me]). It was nothing big. It was just a ding, but nothing bad. We're not even filing it with the insurance. But it just got me thinking about stuff... I could have died if someone dumber and more Asian of a driver was the one behind me. Say a mack truck hit me. You never know...
I've been really quiet lately... as you can see by my lack of enteries. I just don't have anything to say. I've realized that everything in my life is unimportant... granted, relationships are important - friends and the others in your life that you actually like - but it feels like my life is insignificant. I know, we aren't all meant to be kings among men like a John Lennon or JFK or something, but I never really asked for that. I never really wanted anything like that. I guess the fact is that I really don't know what I want. I think I've always been a complex individual with different thoughts, views, and opinions than the average person... you probably wouldn't be reading this if you thought otherwise.
All I know is that I'm unhappy with my life. Nothing seems right. I dream about a girl that's a million miles away. True, I love her a lot, but I missed my chance. I live with these people who I hate and wish death upon. True, I don't have any money, but living in the gutter is probably better than this place. I'm thinking of leaving it all behind... in fact, I thought of blowing my brains out, but that was a little haste. I have to leave. I should have left a long time ago. Perhaps we might be together if I had.
A year ago I was looking forward to the rest of my life, but now I'm scared. I don't know how much more of the rest of my life I can take. I live my life everyday and think of the happiest I ever was which was just about a year ago. I relive the moment often. It was honestly a fraction of time, maybe two seconds or so. I live my life hoping to feel that good again, but I also live my life knowing that I probably won't.
This is the saddest entry ever, isn't it? The thing is, I want to get better. I'm starting to think of things and ways to get out of here. I might not end up with the girl, but that's okay. Maybe I wasn't supposed to end up with the girl. Maybe I'm destined for something else. The girl is apart of my life whom I feel sorry. I feel like I let her down which probably dissappoints me even more. I figured things out too late and it took me far too long. I'm happy to know you feel better with your life now because the friend in me smiles at that... But my broken heart just can't seem to heal. God knows I want to get better, but when you have the girl of your dreams in your arms, you never want to let go of that.
Destined for something else? I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in things being meant to be. But there are things that happen that just feel right... fuck fate and the all knowing being some call God. I think I have to just do what feels right.
To the girl - I'm on my laptop. The bridge has been resurected. I checked my mail and it was empty... I'm sure you must have sent me something. Battards at Yahoo erased all of my old e-mails again. E-mail me when you get the chance.
To everyone - I'm sorry for how I've been. It's not my fault, but I've felt so down for a very long time. I can't remember the last time that I honestly felt good about anything... I don't know when or if I'll get better, so please don't mind my uncomfortable silences. Dragging me places is fine... it's great really. It's not you, it's me.
So... 2003? Hmm... I'm going to have to go with best year of my life. The bullshit that flowed throughout the year was nothing in comparisson to the happiness at the beginning. I know at the end of 2004 I'll depressed again so... I don't know... anyways... what the hell am I trying to say? Let's just say "Hey".
