anti-social commentaries version 2.1
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Me
Now that my blog is up again and my internet seems to be working, I shall share my experiences over the weekend.
My parents really blew it. I live in a suburb. It's not even a suburb... it's more like a suburb of a suburb. Toronto is the big city, Mississauga is the suburb, and we cling onto our relationship to that city so much that we lined up for hours at their Krispe Kreme. It's really quite sad where I live. I really do not like it at all. I live here, but I do not live here. This is my house, but it is not my home. I feel like I was robbed of something... a better childhood, a better environment, a more loving family, my grandparents... so much, I lost because I move to this suburb of suburbia.
See, I used to think that life is what you make of it. "If you want it, you can have it, but you've got to learn to reach out there and grab it." But another part of me thinks that there are things that you can't change... the past being one thing. It just makes me sad thinking of what I missed out on by moving here all those years ago... I moved here, a place without grass when I moved here. We had no grass. I had no friends. I had no one my own age to play with. The only person I had was my brother who is four years older than me. Eight and four are sometimes worlds apart... even now at 21 and 25. There was nothing I could do about it back then. Perhaps I should have made the most of it? But I really didn't have much, so I couldn't make much. It didn't feel right from the beginning this place. The schools sucked. The community (or lack of) was horrible. This place had no... I don't know... aura? Ambiance? There's just no sense of community or togetherness here... and I hate that.
I just wonder why they decided to move here. So my dad would be closer to work? That really makes no sense. My mom moved away from her parents and brothers and sisters so Jecho wouldn't have to drive as far everyday? That's just dumb. I have uncles and aunts that live there and commute downtown everyday... why did my dad want to move here? It just doesn't make sense to me at all.
You know how they say "The grass is always greener"? Well, sometimes grass can be greener because when I moved here my lawn was nothing but dirt.
Now that my blog is up again and my internet seems to be working, I shall share my experiences over the weekend.
My parents really blew it. I live in a suburb. It's not even a suburb... it's more like a suburb of a suburb. Toronto is the big city, Mississauga is the suburb, and we cling onto our relationship to that city so much that we lined up for hours at their Krispe Kreme. It's really quite sad where I live. I really do not like it at all. I live here, but I do not live here. This is my house, but it is not my home. I feel like I was robbed of something... a better childhood, a better environment, a more loving family, my grandparents... so much, I lost because I move to this suburb of suburbia.
See, I used to think that life is what you make of it. "If you want it, you can have it, but you've got to learn to reach out there and grab it." But another part of me thinks that there are things that you can't change... the past being one thing. It just makes me sad thinking of what I missed out on by moving here all those years ago... I moved here, a place without grass when I moved here. We had no grass. I had no friends. I had no one my own age to play with. The only person I had was my brother who is four years older than me. Eight and four are sometimes worlds apart... even now at 21 and 25. There was nothing I could do about it back then. Perhaps I should have made the most of it? But I really didn't have much, so I couldn't make much. It didn't feel right from the beginning this place. The schools sucked. The community (or lack of) was horrible. This place had no... I don't know... aura? Ambiance? There's just no sense of community or togetherness here... and I hate that.
I just wonder why they decided to move here. So my dad would be closer to work? That really makes no sense. My mom moved away from her parents and brothers and sisters so Jecho wouldn't have to drive as far everyday? That's just dumb. I have uncles and aunts that live there and commute downtown everyday... why did my dad want to move here? It just doesn't make sense to me at all.
You know how they say "The grass is always greener"? Well, sometimes grass can be greener because when I moved here my lawn was nothing but dirt.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Hello... Is Anybody In There?
My site doesn't seem to be updating... which is just dandy because my internet keeps fucking up. There's so much I want to say, but what's the point if you can't read it...
My site doesn't seem to be updating... which is just dandy because my internet keeps fucking up. There's so much I want to say, but what's the point if you can't read it...
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
It's Been Awhile
I haven't updated in a long time... it's really not like me, but I've been busy.
Where do I begin? Let's start with saturday. It wasn't as bad as I expected. I was expecting bullshit followed by more bullshit and instead I just spent the day out of the house hanging out with my favourte cousin that I don't see nearly enough. We just hung out all day and I found something that I've been looking for everywhere (get ready to call me a dork or a typical asian): A Sega Dreamcast. Sega Dreamcast is probably the greatest console of all time for it has the best version of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 (the greatest game of all time). It was a semi-happy birthday. It only cost fifty dollars while other places normally charge upwards of two hundred.
The next day I hate work... so so so boring. That's all I really want to talk about right event wise. What I really want to say is, If you want it, you can have it, but you've got to learn to reach out there a grab it. Why do I share this? I'm painting my room green soon... hurray!
I haven't updated in a long time... it's really not like me, but I've been busy.
Where do I begin? Let's start with saturday. It wasn't as bad as I expected. I was expecting bullshit followed by more bullshit and instead I just spent the day out of the house hanging out with my favourte cousin that I don't see nearly enough. We just hung out all day and I found something that I've been looking for everywhere (get ready to call me a dork or a typical asian): A Sega Dreamcast. Sega Dreamcast is probably the greatest console of all time for it has the best version of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 (the greatest game of all time). It was a semi-happy birthday. It only cost fifty dollars while other places normally charge upwards of two hundred.
The next day I hate work... so so so boring. That's all I really want to talk about right event wise. What I really want to say is, If you want it, you can have it, but you've got to learn to reach out there a grab it. Why do I share this? I'm painting my room green soon... hurray!
Saturday, May 24, 2003
Whatever
So it's my birthday today and everyone will be like "Uuh" and I'll be like whatever
And I'll be in the kitchen drinking a soda and she'll "isn't it your..." and I'll be like whatever
Then my dad will come up to me and he's like, "I thought I told you..." and I'm like whatever.
I really hate that song now. It's just so annoying. Where will his career be in a year from? He'll probably be hanging out with Afroman as the two biggest one hit wonders of the new millenium.
Well, today is my birthday party... blech. Later everyone.
So it's my birthday today and everyone will be like "Uuh" and I'll be like whatever
And I'll be in the kitchen drinking a soda and she'll "isn't it your..." and I'll be like whatever
Then my dad will come up to me and he's like, "I thought I told you..." and I'm like whatever.
I really hate that song now. It's just so annoying. Where will his career be in a year from? He'll probably be hanging out with Afroman as the two biggest one hit wonders of the new millenium.
Well, today is my birthday party... blech. Later everyone.
Friday, May 23, 2003
Clean
So I formatted my computer. I feel so empty with the lack of Family Guy and Undergrads on it. A computer without cartoons is not a computer at all in my opinon. But at least I have most of my stuff. What I will miss the most are my pictures I took on the weekend... I can never get those back. Oh, well...
Tomorrow is my "Birthday Party" for friends and family. Opps, I mean family, and my parent's friends. I just don't want to be bothered this year. A year ago I complained about not being loved and being a virgin and never been kissed and never had a girlfriend... As I read what I wrote, I now feel better about where I am in life. We all have stuff to complain about, but not everyone has stuff to be happy about. I have my pieces of happines... please don't burst my bubble.
On another note, I took a picture of something that I'd like to share with all of you. Now, whatever I do in life, I will not get everything I want. You can't always get what you want. I might not be proud of everything I do. I will most likey fuck up a multitude of times in the very near future. But something I will always be proud of is this:
MY GUITAR
Do you see how beautiful my guitar is? Look at all the stickers. You've got Woodstock from Peanuts in the top corner. Apu on a skateboard. The Powerpuff Girls playing instruments. Stewie from Family Guy with a ray gun. Professor Utonium between my pick-ups. My newest editions Burt and Ernie (and Elmo in the top corner). You've got the word Josie between the Humbucker and the middle pickup. What am I looking to finish it off? Well... I need another Homer Simpson. I have one on there (Beside Snoopy and his doghouse), but I want another one. That one is from a ceral box and he's supposed to be sitting. I need Velma from Scooby-doo... She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady (though she didn't get much play). In July my Undergrads DVD comes out and I can make stickers from that. I also need some more Family stickers. And Josie of course. Hmm... am I forgetting anyone?
And before all the queer bashing on my gay stickers begins, please don't bash the Powerpuff Girls. They're cool... and if you look at the cover of the Green Album, Rivers has a Powerpuff Girls sticker on the head of his guitar. So if I'm gay, then Rivers is gay.
So I formatted my computer. I feel so empty with the lack of Family Guy and Undergrads on it. A computer without cartoons is not a computer at all in my opinon. But at least I have most of my stuff. What I will miss the most are my pictures I took on the weekend... I can never get those back. Oh, well...
Tomorrow is my "Birthday Party" for friends and family. Opps, I mean family, and my parent's friends. I just don't want to be bothered this year. A year ago I complained about not being loved and being a virgin and never been kissed and never had a girlfriend... As I read what I wrote, I now feel better about where I am in life. We all have stuff to complain about, but not everyone has stuff to be happy about. I have my pieces of happines... please don't burst my bubble.
On another note, I took a picture of something that I'd like to share with all of you. Now, whatever I do in life, I will not get everything I want. You can't always get what you want. I might not be proud of everything I do. I will most likey fuck up a multitude of times in the very near future. But something I will always be proud of is this:
MY GUITAR
Do you see how beautiful my guitar is? Look at all the stickers. You've got Woodstock from Peanuts in the top corner. Apu on a skateboard. The Powerpuff Girls playing instruments. Stewie from Family Guy with a ray gun. Professor Utonium between my pick-ups. My newest editions Burt and Ernie (and Elmo in the top corner). You've got the word Josie between the Humbucker and the middle pickup. What am I looking to finish it off? Well... I need another Homer Simpson. I have one on there (Beside Snoopy and his doghouse), but I want another one. That one is from a ceral box and he's supposed to be sitting. I need Velma from Scooby-doo... She was cool. She was a hip, hip lady (though she didn't get much play). In July my Undergrads DVD comes out and I can make stickers from that. I also need some more Family stickers. And Josie of course. Hmm... am I forgetting anyone?
And before all the queer bashing on my gay stickers begins, please don't bash the Powerpuff Girls. They're cool... and if you look at the cover of the Green Album, Rivers has a Powerpuff Girls sticker on the head of his guitar. So if I'm gay, then Rivers is gay.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
My Laptop
It's dead for now... but like my lord and saviour Jesus Christ, it will resurect. Wow, a sports reference and nice word about the Catholic church in the last 24 hours? This cannot be my blog.
It's dead for now... but like my lord and saviour Jesus Christ, it will resurect. Wow, a sports reference and nice word about the Catholic church in the last 24 hours? This cannot be my blog.
It Doesn't Get Any Lower
I may have found my summer job. Are all of you ready? Cleaning the floors of Wal-mart. But I'm actually looking forward to this. Mopping is like one of the funnest things at my current job. And with the hours of this job, I'll still be able to keep my old job (hurray?) so that means two paychecks. Plus, I'll never have to see my father. Plus I still get to talk to the love of my life.
On an even brighter note, Undergrads is coming out on DVD in July. Check it out here. Yeeep... life at 21 is looking okay. I'm not sure if the fun is beginning, but I feel like something is.
I may have found my summer job. Are all of you ready? Cleaning the floors of Wal-mart. But I'm actually looking forward to this. Mopping is like one of the funnest things at my current job. And with the hours of this job, I'll still be able to keep my old job (hurray?) so that means two paychecks. Plus, I'll never have to see my father. Plus I still get to talk to the love of my life.
On an even brighter note, Undergrads is coming out on DVD in July. Check it out here. Yeeep... life at 21 is looking okay. I'm not sure if the fun is beginning, but I feel like something is.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
What A Blunderful Birthday
Nothing too special to report today aside from the words "Fox", "Glasses", and "Pogo". I also bought some Buttercup toys... hurray! But the weirdest thing happened today. A bird hit me in the head. It wasn't just a bird like a seagull or a winged rat (ie pigeon). It was an oriole. No, Cal Ripken Jr didn't run up at me and club me with a Lousville Slugger (a sports refference on my page?). An actual oriole hit me on the head. It's a black and orange bird. I saw it flying around and it made a distinct sound unlike other birds. The sound it made sounded similar to a note and beat in Justin Timberlakes "Rock Your Body" and started humming it. Yes, I know it's gay to admit that I know a Justin Timberlake song, but that just sticks in my head... anyways... I started like singing the song and then I lost track of the oriole. All of a sudden, I feel this thing touch my head (luckily I had my two dollar hat from Club Monaco). I look up and there's the oriole about a foot and a half away from my face. I'm like freaking out... is this bird out to kill me? Maybe it has sars? Or it ate a misquito with west nile? And the misquito bit a mad cow? It was just really weird.
Anyways... my birthday is almost done. Alas, twenty-one years of piss going down the drain... I kid. At least I've got my... umm... I can't say health... how about... no... at least I've got my love.
On a side note, I wore all black today. I have not done that in years.
Nothing too special to report today aside from the words "Fox", "Glasses", and "Pogo". I also bought some Buttercup toys... hurray! But the weirdest thing happened today. A bird hit me in the head. It wasn't just a bird like a seagull or a winged rat (ie pigeon). It was an oriole. No, Cal Ripken Jr didn't run up at me and club me with a Lousville Slugger (a sports refference on my page?). An actual oriole hit me on the head. It's a black and orange bird. I saw it flying around and it made a distinct sound unlike other birds. The sound it made sounded similar to a note and beat in Justin Timberlakes "Rock Your Body" and started humming it. Yes, I know it's gay to admit that I know a Justin Timberlake song, but that just sticks in my head... anyways... I started like singing the song and then I lost track of the oriole. All of a sudden, I feel this thing touch my head (luckily I had my two dollar hat from Club Monaco). I look up and there's the oriole about a foot and a half away from my face. I'm like freaking out... is this bird out to kill me? Maybe it has sars? Or it ate a misquito with west nile? And the misquito bit a mad cow? It was just really weird.
Anyways... my birthday is almost done. Alas, twenty-one years of piss going down the drain... I kid. At least I've got my... umm... I can't say health... how about... no... at least I've got my love.
On a side note, I wore all black today. I have not done that in years.
Nothing...
Well, it's another birthday and I guess everything is coming true. Nothing special from the usual suspects. Insincere Happy Birthdays and nothing else from the Jechos... at least my brother got me some ice cream. But, yea... it's typical... but anyways, who cares. It was the last chance and I'm empty handed and hearted... whole-hearted. Kidding... damn extreme. But whatever. Today, I know who cares and who does not... and now, I could care less about who doesn't and I would wrap the world in a bow for those that do.
I'm going out and I'm in the mood for pogos...
Well, it's another birthday and I guess everything is coming true. Nothing special from the usual suspects. Insincere Happy Birthdays and nothing else from the Jechos... at least my brother got me some ice cream. But, yea... it's typical... but anyways, who cares. It was the last chance and I'm empty handed and hearted... whole-hearted. Kidding... damn extreme. But whatever. Today, I know who cares and who does not... and now, I could care less about who doesn't and I would wrap the world in a bow for those that do.
I'm going out and I'm in the mood for pogos...
Happy Birthday
So today it's my birthday... Read the following songs and tell me who you agree with? Dashboard or MTX?
Also, the site is now Anti-Social Commentaries 2.1. I was going to add a bunch of stuff, but I just didn't have the time... I'm still working on it... anywho...
In the voice of a singing hampster
They say it's your birthday.
So today it's my birthday... Read the following songs and tell me who you agree with? Dashboard or MTX?
Also, the site is now Anti-Social Commentaries 2.1. I was going to add a bunch of stuff, but I just didn't have the time... I'm still working on it... anywho...
In the voice of a singing hampster
They say it's your birthday.
Now We Are Twenty-One
Now we are 21
Now we have to get things done
We can't watch Brady Bunch
We can't eat Captain Crunch
Aaaah!
When I was 17
I used to watch TV
but now I'm 21
I have to
get things done
every day we have to take
everything seriously
I just can't handle it
I still feel like a kid
When I was 10 years old
I didn't drink at all
But now I'm 21
and I drink way too much!
21 Now we are 21
We try but it's no use
Just lost our last excuse
And we'll be on the run
Now that we are 21
21 Now we are 21
Now we are 21
Now we have to get things done
We can't watch Brady Bunch
We can't eat Captain Crunch
Aaaah!
When I was 17
I used to watch TV
but now I'm 21
I have to
get things done
every day we have to take
everything seriously
I just can't handle it
I still feel like a kid
When I was 10 years old
I didn't drink at all
But now I'm 21
and I drink way too much!
21 Now we are 21
We try but it's no use
Just lost our last excuse
And we'll be on the run
Now that we are 21
21 Now we are 21
Swiss Army Romance
Sleep with all the lights on.
You're not so happy.
You're not secure.
You're dying to look cute in your blue jeans,
but you're plastic just like everyone.
You're just like everyone.
And that face you paint is pressed
impressing most of us as permanent
and I'd like to see you undone.
College night will draw the crowds.
Dorms unload & your heading out.
Here is your moment to shine.
Making up a history.
It's nothing from the life you lead
but man, will they buy all your lines.
Sleep with all the sheets off
bearing your mattress
bearing your soul.
And you're dying to look smooth with your tattoos
but you're searching just like everyone
could be anyone.
And the friends that you have are the best
impressing most of us as permanent
and I'd like to see you undone.
Youth's the most unfaithful mistress.
Still we forge ahead to miss her.
Rushing our moment to shine.
Making up a history,
It's nothing from the life you lead
but man will they buy all your lines.
We're not twenty-one,
but the sooner we are,
the sooner the fun will begin,
so get out your fake eyelashes,
and fake ID's,
& real disasters ensue,
it's cool to take these chances.
It's cool to fake romances
& grow up fast.
Sleep with all the lights on.
You're not so happy.
You're not secure.
You're dying to look cute in your blue jeans,
but you're plastic just like everyone.
You're just like everyone.
And that face you paint is pressed
impressing most of us as permanent
and I'd like to see you undone.
College night will draw the crowds.
Dorms unload & your heading out.
Here is your moment to shine.
Making up a history.
It's nothing from the life you lead
but man, will they buy all your lines.
Sleep with all the sheets off
bearing your mattress
bearing your soul.
And you're dying to look smooth with your tattoos
but you're searching just like everyone
could be anyone.
And the friends that you have are the best
impressing most of us as permanent
and I'd like to see you undone.
Youth's the most unfaithful mistress.
Still we forge ahead to miss her.
Rushing our moment to shine.
Making up a history,
It's nothing from the life you lead
but man will they buy all your lines.
We're not twenty-one,
but the sooner we are,
the sooner the fun will begin,
so get out your fake eyelashes,
and fake ID's,
& real disasters ensue,
it's cool to take these chances.
It's cool to fake romances
& grow up fast.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
I'm Only Hearing Negative
I've been listening (biting) to Blink 182's Anthem 2 and Green Day's Church on Sunday for the last little bit. The words "If we're fucked up you're to blame" and "Today is the first day of our lives" are poigniant words, yet I decided to quote Lisa Loeb's Stay for the title.
A few day's ago I wrote someone special to me that I didn't want to accentuate the negative this week and I wanted to focus on the positive. Someone just won't let me. Someone won't let me be. Why can't I live? Why can't I be? I'm sorry, but I just can't be polite anymore. I can't be passive and thick skinned anymore. I can be thick skinned about somethings like when people call me gay or weird or multiple chinned or good for nothing... because there is either a hint of humor or a hint of love in the words, but there's someone who just won't let me be. And I just have to fight back... I'm just too nice and polite to fight back, but I've had it. Screw this crap, I've had it...
Tomorrow is my birthday and I want to think about the positive. Though I'm quite confident I'm going to be let down tomorrow, I've had nice words and thoughts sent my way recently. Two great presents, a phone call, a few early greetings in person... so some people actually care. There's something to be positive about. I don't have the Sars so that's a good thing. I have shelter and food, it's prison like, but still... There's a great girl that loves me and I love. I can play guitar okay. I can write pretty well. I have a high singing voice, but I can work on that. I'm fortunate enough to own the world's greatest laptop (though I can't find a halfway decent bag for it). And I think most imporntantly, I have a future. I know that wherever I turn up, I'm going to turn out good and I'm going to shine. I just have to figure out where I'm going first. That's all metaphorically because physical I know that I'm going out west where I belong, where the days are short and the nights are long... because I can't have my bestest friend eternally sad.
I've been listening (biting) to Blink 182's Anthem 2 and Green Day's Church on Sunday for the last little bit. The words "If we're fucked up you're to blame" and "Today is the first day of our lives" are poigniant words, yet I decided to quote Lisa Loeb's Stay for the title.
A few day's ago I wrote someone special to me that I didn't want to accentuate the negative this week and I wanted to focus on the positive. Someone just won't let me. Someone won't let me be. Why can't I live? Why can't I be? I'm sorry, but I just can't be polite anymore. I can't be passive and thick skinned anymore. I can be thick skinned about somethings like when people call me gay or weird or multiple chinned or good for nothing... because there is either a hint of humor or a hint of love in the words, but there's someone who just won't let me be. And I just have to fight back... I'm just too nice and polite to fight back, but I've had it. Screw this crap, I've had it...
Tomorrow is my birthday and I want to think about the positive. Though I'm quite confident I'm going to be let down tomorrow, I've had nice words and thoughts sent my way recently. Two great presents, a phone call, a few early greetings in person... so some people actually care. There's something to be positive about. I don't have the Sars so that's a good thing. I have shelter and food, it's prison like, but still... There's a great girl that loves me and I love. I can play guitar okay. I can write pretty well. I have a high singing voice, but I can work on that. I'm fortunate enough to own the world's greatest laptop (though I can't find a halfway decent bag for it). And I think most imporntantly, I have a future. I know that wherever I turn up, I'm going to turn out good and I'm going to shine. I just have to figure out where I'm going first. That's all metaphorically because physical I know that I'm going out west where I belong, where the days are short and the nights are long... because I can't have my bestest friend eternally sad.
Weekend
So I had a good... if not great long weekend, but within hours of coming home I realized why I hate it here so much.
So I had a good... if not great long weekend, but within hours of coming home I realized why I hate it here so much.
Friday, May 16, 2003
Dying Days of Dawson
Do not read if you are waiting to watch the final episode
Granted, I haven't been the most loyal Dawson's Creek fan. I ditched the show to watch Ally MacBeal and ditched Ally for having to work on Mondays. But I think I'm probably the most obsessed person with the show now. For the last few weeks I've been watching four hours of the show a day so I could watch the finale and understand what was happening. I thought that after the finale I would never watch again, but boy was I wrong. On Wednesday I watched the finale, then on Thursday morning it was repeated on TBS, then this morning I watched the first two episodes again, and just now I finished watching the finale. Yes, that's right folks, I've spent six hours this week watching this one show three times in three days.
At first I was upset with the ending... it just didn't seem right with me. Now, I think my mind has had a change of heart. Joey chose Pacey over Dawson. This will go down as one of those ever debated questions. Troy or Michael? Romeo or nothing? Nicole or Penelope? She chose Pacey over Dawson. Part of me is happy with the decision because in my mind it seems to be the most sensible thing. See, Dawson was all about dreaming and wanting this girl that loved him. But in all honesty, they never really had anything romantic towards each other. They had crushes that just never worked out. She pined for him then he pined for her... there just was no real love. But with Pacey, he and Joey fell for one another at one point. They had time together, they stayed together, and they meant a lot to one another... but with Dawson, he's just a friend. He's always been just a friend. And their love for one another, though very real, was nothing but childhood bullshit that crossed over into their teenage and adult years.
The reason I'm not happy with the choice of Pacey is that Pacey and Joey just never made much sense to me. They just never seemed in love. The storyline just seemed to take place out of desperation. Personally, Pacey seemed better with both Andie and Audrey. With Joey he just seemed a lot less Pacey-esque and a lot more self-loathing (why does that word keep popping up?). Pacey is a good man and I think that Joey is just far too much trouble.
Well, now that we know who was picked, what happens to them? Are we led to believe that Joey and Pacey live happily ever after? Does Dawson hook up with Spielberg and make Schindler's List 2: Hitler's Revenge (It's hunting season). And if Joey and Dawson are so sure of the fact that they're soulmates, then what does that make Pacey to Joey? And does that mean Dawson will just find some other girl? Won't it eat each other up to see the other with someone else? It's really hard to believe that Dawson is just okay with the whole thing. And if they ever make a special reunion episode then Jen can't be on it. And why no Andie? I know, she left years ago, but I loved her.
Anyways... I'm going to miss the show. True, I'm not the most loyal creeker, but it feels like I'm losing something with the loss of this show. Over the last year, I've felt like I was fifteen again... sort of. I was happiest at the age of fifteen. I guess the end of Dawson could be considered a metaphor for something, but I'd rather not over analyze tonight.
I hate how much I hate myself sometimes... It's the end of an era.
Do not read if you are waiting to watch the final episode
Granted, I haven't been the most loyal Dawson's Creek fan. I ditched the show to watch Ally MacBeal and ditched Ally for having to work on Mondays. But I think I'm probably the most obsessed person with the show now. For the last few weeks I've been watching four hours of the show a day so I could watch the finale and understand what was happening. I thought that after the finale I would never watch again, but boy was I wrong. On Wednesday I watched the finale, then on Thursday morning it was repeated on TBS, then this morning I watched the first two episodes again, and just now I finished watching the finale. Yes, that's right folks, I've spent six hours this week watching this one show three times in three days.
At first I was upset with the ending... it just didn't seem right with me. Now, I think my mind has had a change of heart. Joey chose Pacey over Dawson. This will go down as one of those ever debated questions. Troy or Michael? Romeo or nothing? Nicole or Penelope? She chose Pacey over Dawson. Part of me is happy with the decision because in my mind it seems to be the most sensible thing. See, Dawson was all about dreaming and wanting this girl that loved him. But in all honesty, they never really had anything romantic towards each other. They had crushes that just never worked out. She pined for him then he pined for her... there just was no real love. But with Pacey, he and Joey fell for one another at one point. They had time together, they stayed together, and they meant a lot to one another... but with Dawson, he's just a friend. He's always been just a friend. And their love for one another, though very real, was nothing but childhood bullshit that crossed over into their teenage and adult years.
The reason I'm not happy with the choice of Pacey is that Pacey and Joey just never made much sense to me. They just never seemed in love. The storyline just seemed to take place out of desperation. Personally, Pacey seemed better with both Andie and Audrey. With Joey he just seemed a lot less Pacey-esque and a lot more self-loathing (why does that word keep popping up?). Pacey is a good man and I think that Joey is just far too much trouble.
Well, now that we know who was picked, what happens to them? Are we led to believe that Joey and Pacey live happily ever after? Does Dawson hook up with Spielberg and make Schindler's List 2: Hitler's Revenge (It's hunting season). And if Joey and Dawson are so sure of the fact that they're soulmates, then what does that make Pacey to Joey? And does that mean Dawson will just find some other girl? Won't it eat each other up to see the other with someone else? It's really hard to believe that Dawson is just okay with the whole thing. And if they ever make a special reunion episode then Jen can't be on it. And why no Andie? I know, she left years ago, but I loved her.
Anyways... I'm going to miss the show. True, I'm not the most loyal creeker, but it feels like I'm losing something with the loss of this show. Over the last year, I've felt like I was fifteen again... sort of. I was happiest at the age of fifteen. I guess the end of Dawson could be considered a metaphor for something, but I'd rather not over analyze tonight.
I hate how much I hate myself sometimes... It's the end of an era.
I've Decided
There's something I want to do for my birthday... it would have to take place exactly one week from today. I shall arrange on the weekend if it will happen. I feel better now. Self-loathing sucks. What will become of next Friday? I don't know, but it's really the only possible thing I'd really like to do for my birthday.
There's something I want to do for my birthday... it would have to take place exactly one week from today. I shall arrange on the weekend if it will happen. I feel better now. Self-loathing sucks. What will become of next Friday? I don't know, but it's really the only possible thing I'd really like to do for my birthday.
Fuck The Jechos
I'm sick of my own god damn self-pity and low self-worth that my parents have instilled in me over the years. Fuck them for neglecting me and making me feel like shit and worthless all of my life. The fact is, I have people that care about me. Granted, maybe not many, but people honestly do care. There are people out there who extend a hand when I feel like shit, but I always turn them down with a smile because I don't want to impose. See, I have this problem - I've always had this problem with friendship. I've never really let anyone (except for you of course) get too close because I've just always felt like I was never anyone's equal in a relationship. I always feel like I have to try harder and make an effort and if someone does something for me it's either out of pity or charity or that I'm imposing. I hate that about myself.
I seriously always push people away, and that isn't healthy. A few people have asked me about doing stuff for my birthday, but I just decline. But why? And it's not that I don't think that they don't care, because I know they do. I've decided to make a concious effort to change. I can't just spend every day of my life self-loathing and blaming my parents for every piece of shit in my life (though they are to blame). Maybe the reason why people do get drunk on their birthday is because they know it sucks because 1) You're getting old, and 2) It reminds you of how meaningless your existence really is.
Well, I've decided to do something now... fuck thinking if my parents will actually give a damn this year because I've decided to give a damn this year.
I'm sick of my own god damn self-pity and low self-worth that my parents have instilled in me over the years. Fuck them for neglecting me and making me feel like shit and worthless all of my life. The fact is, I have people that care about me. Granted, maybe not many, but people honestly do care. There are people out there who extend a hand when I feel like shit, but I always turn them down with a smile because I don't want to impose. See, I have this problem - I've always had this problem with friendship. I've never really let anyone (except for you of course) get too close because I've just always felt like I was never anyone's equal in a relationship. I always feel like I have to try harder and make an effort and if someone does something for me it's either out of pity or charity or that I'm imposing. I hate that about myself.
I seriously always push people away, and that isn't healthy. A few people have asked me about doing stuff for my birthday, but I just decline. But why? And it's not that I don't think that they don't care, because I know they do. I've decided to make a concious effort to change. I can't just spend every day of my life self-loathing and blaming my parents for every piece of shit in my life (though they are to blame). Maybe the reason why people do get drunk on their birthday is because they know it sucks because 1) You're getting old, and 2) It reminds you of how meaningless your existence really is.
Well, I've decided to do something now... fuck thinking if my parents will actually give a damn this year because I've decided to give a damn this year.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
My Favourite Food and My Birthday
So Tuesday is my birthday. Tuesday will be the anniversary of my birth. The anniversary of my birth. Anniversaries are usually things people commemorate and celebrate, but mine never is. I don't know if it's my self-esteem problem or my anti-socialism or my lack of caring about anything, but I've just never cared much for the day. Ever since I could remember, my birthday has always been just another day. Sure, I get stuff from some people and people tell me happy birthday, but I never really have a happy birthday. It's not like I have scarring memories on my birthdays, but I don't have any good one either. How can people just say the words "Happy Birthday" and not really understand what's being said. What does that even mean? "Happy Birthday". Are the wishing that you have a happy birthday? Are they saying that it's your birthday so you should be happy? Or are they just saying what they're expected to say?
When you celebrate or commemorate something, it should be something special. That's why we have Easter every year because it's that whole Jesus guy's purpose for being. We have celebrate New Year's every year because we celebrate a new beginning, a new start. But why do we celebrate birthdays? I think it is, at least, it should be because someone special in your life was born that day and you have to, no, want to, celebrate that day. But I've just never felt special enough to celebrate my birthday. At least, no one has ever made me feel special enough to celebrate my birthday. I guess it just makes me feel down. I don't know... isn't your birthday the one day that people should take the time to say, "Hey, I appreciate you." And I just don't really get that. I get happy birthday. But it just seems to be out of obligation. I get socks and underwear. I get Nike shirts and Hilfiger sweaters. I've gone through my whole "It's the thought that counts" speech before, so I'll skip that for now.
It's just... I don't know... I just want to know what people think of me some times. And I think it just comes down to one thing, I don't know what I am to my parents other than just their son. What do they care about me? To me, it just seems like they just don't want me to die. Whenever I leave the house, be it to Toronto or Mississauga or Guelph or anywhere, I get a speech and a lecture about tires or maps or turning off the lights... They want me to go to school so that I can have a job that I can make enought money to live off of (and not to mention so they'll have someone to take care of them when they're old). But overall, I don't think they want me to be happy. I once told my dad that I wanted to become a writer for a living and he laughed at me. When I first got my guitar my mom said, "He can't even play do ray me, why should we get him a guitar." And now, it's like, I'm a good writer... you wouldn't be reading this if I wasn't. And I'm a great guitar player (best guitar player in the world), and those are two of the few things that make me happy and have always made me happy.
I've always had odd feelings for adoption. I've always thought that if I found out I was adopted, I wouldn't want to know my biological parents. Why? Because they never put any time into my life. The people who bring you up, that show their love for you, that put time into your growing up, those are your parents. But now, I think if I found out I was adopted, I would run screaming to those ficitious biological parents. Why? Because they'd probably have a good reason for not keeping me. They probably had no money or they were too young or they weren't ready to be parents. But my parents? Why was I so mistreated? I don't know. Maybe it's because they don't care.
Anyways... I'll just get them deported. If I didn't laugh, I would cry.
So Tuesday is my birthday. Tuesday will be the anniversary of my birth. The anniversary of my birth. Anniversaries are usually things people commemorate and celebrate, but mine never is. I don't know if it's my self-esteem problem or my anti-socialism or my lack of caring about anything, but I've just never cared much for the day. Ever since I could remember, my birthday has always been just another day. Sure, I get stuff from some people and people tell me happy birthday, but I never really have a happy birthday. It's not like I have scarring memories on my birthdays, but I don't have any good one either. How can people just say the words "Happy Birthday" and not really understand what's being said. What does that even mean? "Happy Birthday". Are the wishing that you have a happy birthday? Are they saying that it's your birthday so you should be happy? Or are they just saying what they're expected to say?
When you celebrate or commemorate something, it should be something special. That's why we have Easter every year because it's that whole Jesus guy's purpose for being. We have celebrate New Year's every year because we celebrate a new beginning, a new start. But why do we celebrate birthdays? I think it is, at least, it should be because someone special in your life was born that day and you have to, no, want to, celebrate that day. But I've just never felt special enough to celebrate my birthday. At least, no one has ever made me feel special enough to celebrate my birthday. I guess it just makes me feel down. I don't know... isn't your birthday the one day that people should take the time to say, "Hey, I appreciate you." And I just don't really get that. I get happy birthday. But it just seems to be out of obligation. I get socks and underwear. I get Nike shirts and Hilfiger sweaters. I've gone through my whole "It's the thought that counts" speech before, so I'll skip that for now.
It's just... I don't know... I just want to know what people think of me some times. And I think it just comes down to one thing, I don't know what I am to my parents other than just their son. What do they care about me? To me, it just seems like they just don't want me to die. Whenever I leave the house, be it to Toronto or Mississauga or Guelph or anywhere, I get a speech and a lecture about tires or maps or turning off the lights... They want me to go to school so that I can have a job that I can make enought money to live off of (and not to mention so they'll have someone to take care of them when they're old). But overall, I don't think they want me to be happy. I once told my dad that I wanted to become a writer for a living and he laughed at me. When I first got my guitar my mom said, "He can't even play do ray me, why should we get him a guitar." And now, it's like, I'm a good writer... you wouldn't be reading this if I wasn't. And I'm a great guitar player (best guitar player in the world), and those are two of the few things that make me happy and have always made me happy.
I've always had odd feelings for adoption. I've always thought that if I found out I was adopted, I wouldn't want to know my biological parents. Why? Because they never put any time into my life. The people who bring you up, that show their love for you, that put time into your growing up, those are your parents. But now, I think if I found out I was adopted, I would run screaming to those ficitious biological parents. Why? Because they'd probably have a good reason for not keeping me. They probably had no money or they were too young or they weren't ready to be parents. But my parents? Why was I so mistreated? I don't know. Maybe it's because they don't care.
Anyways... I'll just get them deported. If I didn't laugh, I would cry.
To Belong
I've never really been in anyone's life. My niche in relationships has always been to be on the outside looking in and occassionally stepping in, but I've never really had a relationship with someone where seeing that person was an important part of the day. Well, there was Mark, but he stabbed me in the back in the end so maybe that's what I get for being in someone's life. With my parents, I feel like this kid that just runs around in the background. I feel like one of Sandra and Elvin's kids that really make no impact. They're in the background and grow up before your eyes, but you don't come to see them. With my brother, I really don't feel like brothers. There's no bond between us. We're just around. We sleep in the same house and have the same blood, but we're not the same people. We used to be a bit closer, but that got lost along the way. He's not who he used to be and who he is now, I don't much care for. With most of my friends, I'm not really a day to day part of their lives. We talk, see each other, and even bond whenever we can, but we hardly ever share the little things that make up life. I've never really been part of a circle where things were expected of you and if you needed one of these people, any of them, you could call out there name and know where ever they are that they'll come running to see me again. With my cousins, I'm really not much a part of their lives. They tell me how things are, but I'm never there full time. They like me, possibly love me, and possibly idolize me, but I'm not there.
The fact is, I'm not there for anyone all the time because they're not there for me all the time. I'm just very on the outs with society I guess. That connection just hasn't happened much for me. A group of people being friends, staying friends, and caring for one another... I've never had that and probably never will. But there is someone who I love very much... who I'm there for all the time even if I'm not there. Who would let me into her life with open arms. Someone who I could share the little things and big things with... I just get sad thinking I'll never get there. I love her... I will always love her... she will always be my soul mate... I just get scared knowing if I'll ever make it to her and if the road to getting there will be consistent. I'm going to make it though. So many dreams of mine, I've let pass. Dreams of being a rockstar or a writer or a baseball player or a farmer... I've let those go. Why? They weren't all that important. They were dreams I wanted, but neccessarily needed. But I need her. If there's one thing I don't want, it's a shit load of regrets. Those other things, I don't really regret... they would be nice, but I do not regret not having done them. But being with her. Being everything to someone and not just on the outside looking in... that is something I must have.
I've never really been in anyone's life. My niche in relationships has always been to be on the outside looking in and occassionally stepping in, but I've never really had a relationship with someone where seeing that person was an important part of the day. Well, there was Mark, but he stabbed me in the back in the end so maybe that's what I get for being in someone's life. With my parents, I feel like this kid that just runs around in the background. I feel like one of Sandra and Elvin's kids that really make no impact. They're in the background and grow up before your eyes, but you don't come to see them. With my brother, I really don't feel like brothers. There's no bond between us. We're just around. We sleep in the same house and have the same blood, but we're not the same people. We used to be a bit closer, but that got lost along the way. He's not who he used to be and who he is now, I don't much care for. With most of my friends, I'm not really a day to day part of their lives. We talk, see each other, and even bond whenever we can, but we hardly ever share the little things that make up life. I've never really been part of a circle where things were expected of you and if you needed one of these people, any of them, you could call out there name and know where ever they are that they'll come running to see me again. With my cousins, I'm really not much a part of their lives. They tell me how things are, but I'm never there full time. They like me, possibly love me, and possibly idolize me, but I'm not there.
The fact is, I'm not there for anyone all the time because they're not there for me all the time. I'm just very on the outs with society I guess. That connection just hasn't happened much for me. A group of people being friends, staying friends, and caring for one another... I've never had that and probably never will. But there is someone who I love very much... who I'm there for all the time even if I'm not there. Who would let me into her life with open arms. Someone who I could share the little things and big things with... I just get sad thinking I'll never get there. I love her... I will always love her... she will always be my soul mate... I just get scared knowing if I'll ever make it to her and if the road to getting there will be consistent. I'm going to make it though. So many dreams of mine, I've let pass. Dreams of being a rockstar or a writer or a baseball player or a farmer... I've let those go. Why? They weren't all that important. They were dreams I wanted, but neccessarily needed. But I need her. If there's one thing I don't want, it's a shit load of regrets. Those other things, I don't really regret... they would be nice, but I do not regret not having done them. But being with her. Being everything to someone and not just on the outside looking in... that is something I must have.
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Say Good Night and Not Good Bye
I'm a little disappointed in the finale... I will not go on for I know one of you, a long time Creeker, hates having stuff ruined, so I will not ruin it... but I was not happy. But I probably wouldn't have been happy no matter what happened. In fact, how often have I ever been happy?
I'm a little disappointed in the finale... I will not go on for I know one of you, a long time Creeker, hates having stuff ruined, so I will not ruin it... but I was not happy. But I probably wouldn't have been happy no matter what happened. In fact, how often have I ever been happy?
Countdown To Good-bye
I've put in far too much time into this Dawson's Creek to miss tonight's episode. For the last few weeks all I've heard on TBS are the words, "Countdown to Good-bye" and a song called "Sometime." Even though I have not watched the show regularly over years, it's just makes me sad to see it go. Why? I think it's because their lives really haven't gone anywhere during the course of the series... sure, this last episode jumps years into the future and wraps everything up into a nice package, but during the last six seasons they haven't grown much as people. And is it me or should the show have been called "Joey's Creek"? During the last few seasons the show really revolved around her. Audrey was brought in to be her best-friend, Dawson wasn't even in the same state half the time, Pacey was in a different world from the College kids, and Jack and Jen went to a completely different school. Joey became the main focus though she was quite boring and annoying. And, let's face it, she was never that good looking. She's no Andie... And why did Andie leave? I loved Andie.
More insights:
- As pacey falls for a girl he always says something along the lines of "I'm falling in love with you because no one's made me do what you've done for me."
- Isn't it so coincidental that Dawson, Joey, and Pacey all found miniature versions of themselves during the last season?
- Who is older, Jack or Andie?
- Henry would never stop loving Jen just because he found another girl. He worked too hard and loved her far too much.
- Will and Eve were so conveinent people to show up in Capeside.
- Why did Gretchen never go to any Whitter family functions before or after her reign as a regular character.
- Whatever happened to Drew after graduating high school?
- Wasn't Todd Carr's name Todd Peter's... I'm not sure about that.
- Why isn't Jack Osbourne swearing?
Okay... before the show starts here is my prediction - Joey dies. It is her show after all.
I've put in far too much time into this Dawson's Creek to miss tonight's episode. For the last few weeks all I've heard on TBS are the words, "Countdown to Good-bye" and a song called "Sometime." Even though I have not watched the show regularly over years, it's just makes me sad to see it go. Why? I think it's because their lives really haven't gone anywhere during the course of the series... sure, this last episode jumps years into the future and wraps everything up into a nice package, but during the last six seasons they haven't grown much as people. And is it me or should the show have been called "Joey's Creek"? During the last few seasons the show really revolved around her. Audrey was brought in to be her best-friend, Dawson wasn't even in the same state half the time, Pacey was in a different world from the College kids, and Jack and Jen went to a completely different school. Joey became the main focus though she was quite boring and annoying. And, let's face it, she was never that good looking. She's no Andie... And why did Andie leave? I loved Andie.
More insights:
- As pacey falls for a girl he always says something along the lines of "I'm falling in love with you because no one's made me do what you've done for me."
- Isn't it so coincidental that Dawson, Joey, and Pacey all found miniature versions of themselves during the last season?
- Who is older, Jack or Andie?
- Henry would never stop loving Jen just because he found another girl. He worked too hard and loved her far too much.
- Will and Eve were so conveinent people to show up in Capeside.
- Why did Gretchen never go to any Whitter family functions before or after her reign as a regular character.
- Whatever happened to Drew after graduating high school?
- Wasn't Todd Carr's name Todd Peter's... I'm not sure about that.
- Why isn't Jack Osbourne swearing?
Okay... before the show starts here is my prediction - Joey dies. It is her show after all.
Random Quotes:
I don't have much to say. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm lonely. So instead of thinking, I think I'll just take quotes from movies and songs and stuff for the next little while to explain how I feel. I'm feeling very Before Sunrise.
I swear, if Ethan Hawke had a penny per quote.
Here's another. It's how I've felt for a very long time, about five years from our intial hey:
I don't have much to say. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm lonely. So instead of thinking, I think I'll just take quotes from movies and songs and stuff for the next little while to explain how I feel. I'm feeling very Before Sunrise.
Jesse: Usually, it's myself I wish that I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss where I wasn't one of the kissers. You know, I'ver never, umm, gone to the movies where I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling if I wasn't there, ya know, making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, they are sick to death of being around themselves. Let's say you and I were together all the time, you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The everytime we would have people over I'd be insecure and I get a little too drunk or uh, the way I'd tell the same pseudo-intellectual stories again and again and again. See, I've heard all those stories. So, of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, it's made me feel like I'm somebody else.
I swear, if Ethan Hawke had a penny per quote.
Here's another. It's how I've felt for a very long time, about five years from our intial hey:
Jesse: If someone gave me the choice right now of to never see you again and marry you, I would marry you. And maybe that's a lot of romantic bullshit, but people have gotten married for a lot less.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Love
How many times do you think I've been in love? The answer is twice... once with her, and the second time also with her. Let's hope that the third time really is a charm.
I don't know what to feel right now. I feel lonely a bit... but I don't. I feel sad and have cried, but I feel better now. Maybe I'm just not the staying in love type. Maybe I'm destined to live a life of picking up whore at Jane and Finch (which is so damn near my school) and getting laid by the hour... I don't know what I'm talking about. I really don't know who I am anymore. I used to think that my words and dreams would take me where I'm going, but now I'm not so sure. I've gone back and read some of my stuff and felt like I'm not that talented. My music is definitely not that great. They all sound like Weezer or MTX. I'm not even sure of my sexual preference anymore. I just feel so... blech. Anyways... Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, for now, I sleep.
How many times do you think I've been in love? The answer is twice... once with her, and the second time also with her. Let's hope that the third time really is a charm.
I don't know what to feel right now. I feel lonely a bit... but I don't. I feel sad and have cried, but I feel better now. Maybe I'm just not the staying in love type. Maybe I'm destined to live a life of picking up whore at Jane and Finch (which is so damn near my school) and getting laid by the hour... I don't know what I'm talking about. I really don't know who I am anymore. I used to think that my words and dreams would take me where I'm going, but now I'm not so sure. I've gone back and read some of my stuff and felt like I'm not that talented. My music is definitely not that great. They all sound like Weezer or MTX. I'm not even sure of my sexual preference anymore. I just feel so... blech. Anyways... Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life, for now, I sleep.
Sunday, May 11, 2003
My Room My Life Pt. 2
I reorganized my room last week. I get bored and sick of my room quite often. Others change their hair colour or style, others drink to change or forget, me, I change my surroundings. I moved my bed 180 degrees, my dresser to another wall, and actually organized my CD collection. It makes me feel good to change something in my life in baby steps. I never, or at the least, hardly ever take big steps and make big decisions in my life, but when I change my room around I don't have anyone saying "You can't put that there" or "This is where this belongs". It's my escape from the world. It's my room, it's my world.
There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to... in my room... in my room
Brian Wilson was a shut in like me and he understood the importance of privacy. We all need a place where we can go - our cabin amongst the trees, our island in the sun (hip, hip), our Midnight at the Oasis... and since not many of us can afford a place to get away or have an answer to the question "Where do you summer", for most of us, our rooms should be that get away. I sit here and there's nothing but me and reminders of me and things I love. My laptop blasts the songs I love, my guitar collection is scattered all along the floor, and there's a box filled of trinkets that remind me of the love of my life. This is my home... this is where I live... this is where I am.
I have this weird perception on moving in with someone and ultimately living with someone. You no longer become an individual. You lose a part of yourself and you gain something else. You're a unit. And once you move in with someone, you have to share your world, your life, and who you are with someone else... hopefully some you're in love with. You don't have your own bed to cry on, you don't have your own room to blast music and drown out the rest of the world, and you don't have a place for yourself... you share it with someone.
I can't afford a place to call my own - an apartment, a condo, a house - and I realized that this room isn't even mine today. Though it's filled with my stuff, it's where I live, it's where I'm honest to the highest degree, it is not my own. It is a room assigned to me in my parent's home. This isn't my home. I live here, but I don't live here. This is not where I live. I live somewhere else. I live out there, in the ether. I live somewhere I've never been to that no one else knows about. I have my Island in the sun, but it's not this room - it's my mind. No one can touch my mind. No one owns that but me.
Today, as I came home from work, the dresser in my room was moved back to where it was before I moved it. This is not my room. This is not my life. It's a cell. This is a prison. I am not free and I will never be set free. I can only break out of this life sentence as the son of Jesus by screaming, yelling, and fighting. I cannot live here because I never have. This is their life, not mine. Where mine is, I don't know, but I do know that it is anywhere but here.
I reorganized my room last week. I get bored and sick of my room quite often. Others change their hair colour or style, others drink to change or forget, me, I change my surroundings. I moved my bed 180 degrees, my dresser to another wall, and actually organized my CD collection. It makes me feel good to change something in my life in baby steps. I never, or at the least, hardly ever take big steps and make big decisions in my life, but when I change my room around I don't have anyone saying "You can't put that there" or "This is where this belongs". It's my escape from the world. It's my room, it's my world.
There's a world where I can go and tell my secrets to... in my room... in my room
Brian Wilson was a shut in like me and he understood the importance of privacy. We all need a place where we can go - our cabin amongst the trees, our island in the sun (hip, hip), our Midnight at the Oasis... and since not many of us can afford a place to get away or have an answer to the question "Where do you summer", for most of us, our rooms should be that get away. I sit here and there's nothing but me and reminders of me and things I love. My laptop blasts the songs I love, my guitar collection is scattered all along the floor, and there's a box filled of trinkets that remind me of the love of my life. This is my home... this is where I live... this is where I am.
I have this weird perception on moving in with someone and ultimately living with someone. You no longer become an individual. You lose a part of yourself and you gain something else. You're a unit. And once you move in with someone, you have to share your world, your life, and who you are with someone else... hopefully some you're in love with. You don't have your own bed to cry on, you don't have your own room to blast music and drown out the rest of the world, and you don't have a place for yourself... you share it with someone.
I can't afford a place to call my own - an apartment, a condo, a house - and I realized that this room isn't even mine today. Though it's filled with my stuff, it's where I live, it's where I'm honest to the highest degree, it is not my own. It is a room assigned to me in my parent's home. This isn't my home. I live here, but I don't live here. This is not where I live. I live somewhere else. I live out there, in the ether. I live somewhere I've never been to that no one else knows about. I have my Island in the sun, but it's not this room - it's my mind. No one can touch my mind. No one owns that but me.
Today, as I came home from work, the dresser in my room was moved back to where it was before I moved it. This is not my room. This is not my life. It's a cell. This is a prison. I am not free and I will never be set free. I can only break out of this life sentence as the son of Jesus by screaming, yelling, and fighting. I cannot live here because I never have. This is their life, not mine. Where mine is, I don't know, but I do know that it is anywhere but here.
Lelaina To The Power Of Two
For breakfast I went to Seven Eleven. I did not have a big gulp. No, I had the double big gulp. 1.8 litres of Vanilla Coke... that's twice the essential nutriets. It really doesn't take much to make me happy, but on the other hand, I don't get much either.
For breakfast I went to Seven Eleven. I did not have a big gulp. No, I had the double big gulp. 1.8 litres of Vanilla Coke... that's twice the essential nutriets. It really doesn't take much to make me happy, but on the other hand, I don't get much either.
Friday, May 09, 2003
Why I Lover Her (Brought to you by Big Ass Ham):
10) She saved my life.
9) She owns my heart.
8) She owns my flower.
7) Who doesn't love her?
6) She's genuinely good.
5) She is my muse.
4) She's my best-friend.
3) She has the greatest voice.
2) She is hilarious.
1) She has the nicest eyes ever.
10) She saved my life.
9) She owns my heart.
8) She owns my flower.
7) Who doesn't love her?
6) She's genuinely good.
5) She is my muse.
4) She's my best-friend.
3) She has the greatest voice.
2) She is hilarious.
1) She has the nicest eyes ever.
Full Circle
I've devoted the last few weeks of my life to catching up on 6 seasons of Dawson's Creek, and this morning I watched the episode that made me want to watch it again. It's so odd to think that within the last month, month and a half, I went through six years of these people's lives. No, I don't mean the silly, over-analytical characters from Capeside, Mass, but these actors, directors, and writers that put their efforts into the show. They spent years working on these (often boring) stories, and I here I watched years of work in a few weeks. I just find it odd.
Something I've learned aobut TV - it's hard to maintain a good TV show. Why? Because it's all about magic. People watch shows in hopes of a pay off. All good shoes have a magic and a chemistry. The Simpson's was quite innocent and silly, but it's lost that now. Cheers was about Same and Diane, but then she left (though I preferred Rebecca). Seinfeld never got tiresome for the simple fact that the show was about nothing and that's what people wanted to see. Television is all about one thing - Prolonging the magic. The best example of this is Who's The Boss? Tony and Angela never got together until the very end of the series... and what's saddest is the fact that during the entire show, Tony and Angela never had sex once. They went their whole time together just loving each other... did I call that sad? Maybe I should have said odd. With Dawson's Creek, there really is no magic. Joey is extremely annoying. Dawson constantly pines after her though he spends no time with her whatsoever. Jack is gay, but the way he acts with his "life partner" it's like they're just buddies. Pacey... Pacey's cool... I can't say anything bad about him. But aside from Conway, my favourite Mighty Duck, the show is pretty ridiculous. In fact, I don't have any clue why I've watched it so much over the last few weeks... I've really wasted these week. But at least I didn't waste six years.
"I hate you with the passion of a thousand burning STDS"
I've devoted the last few weeks of my life to catching up on 6 seasons of Dawson's Creek, and this morning I watched the episode that made me want to watch it again. It's so odd to think that within the last month, month and a half, I went through six years of these people's lives. No, I don't mean the silly, over-analytical characters from Capeside, Mass, but these actors, directors, and writers that put their efforts into the show. They spent years working on these (often boring) stories, and I here I watched years of work in a few weeks. I just find it odd.
Something I've learned aobut TV - it's hard to maintain a good TV show. Why? Because it's all about magic. People watch shows in hopes of a pay off. All good shoes have a magic and a chemistry. The Simpson's was quite innocent and silly, but it's lost that now. Cheers was about Same and Diane, but then she left (though I preferred Rebecca). Seinfeld never got tiresome for the simple fact that the show was about nothing and that's what people wanted to see. Television is all about one thing - Prolonging the magic. The best example of this is Who's The Boss? Tony and Angela never got together until the very end of the series... and what's saddest is the fact that during the entire show, Tony and Angela never had sex once. They went their whole time together just loving each other... did I call that sad? Maybe I should have said odd. With Dawson's Creek, there really is no magic. Joey is extremely annoying. Dawson constantly pines after her though he spends no time with her whatsoever. Jack is gay, but the way he acts with his "life partner" it's like they're just buddies. Pacey... Pacey's cool... I can't say anything bad about him. But aside from Conway, my favourite Mighty Duck, the show is pretty ridiculous. In fact, I don't have any clue why I've watched it so much over the last few weeks... I've really wasted these week. But at least I didn't waste six years.
"I hate you with the passion of a thousand burning STDS"
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What is a Yout?
I think about my relationship with my father a lot. I think about a lot of things far too much, but my relationship with him is one of the most thought about things while I'm on my afternoon walks after my fours of Dawson's Creek in the morning. I think about my entire life and I can't think of many good moments with him. I'm not saying that every moment I've been with him was awful or he was molesting me, I'm just saying there aren't many moments that I can remember him being proud of having a son like me or, more importantly, me being proud of having a father like him.
I only have two memories that are good: 1) I was in fourth grade and was really sick. I don't remember what the sickness was, but it was really bad. I had this giant bump underneath my ear. I remember being sick and curling up on my couch and my mother coming up stairs to give me ice cream "claiming" that my father bought it for me. 2) I was in Grade 12 and he and I talked for a long time... actually, he talked and I listened. He basically told me his regret of not moving to California when I was a kid... it is also one of my biggest regrets.
I could sit around here forever and bitch about my parents being bad parents and, you know what, I'd probably be right about everything... they didn't really love me, they didn't push me any direction, they didn't give me much... was it that they never gave enough attention or did they not give enough affection? I can go on and on... but what matters is me now. I've given them a deadline and they don't know it. They, both of my parents, have one last chance to show that they love me... to show that they care. My mind thinks that I'm probably going to be disappointed, but my heart has hope. Maybe they can bypass all the bullshit of this year, my entire life, and do something nice for me out of the blue.
My deadline is my birthday. I don't know how things will change when they let me down... I should say if, but I'm not really expecting much. When I'm let down, I don't know how things will change. I don't think I'll be bitter or angry with them. I've been quite bitter and angry lately, but I think that things will change after that. I'll just be let down and saddened by them. Sometimes, I just think that if they really loved me they would have tried a little harder. My father often brings up, and I apologize for the racism, "If we didn't love you then why do I support you? Not like the white people that kick their kids out." Well, there's more to love them money... it's not like I get much of that either. See, I haven't got much. I wasn't covered with gifts as a child. I didn't get a car when I turned 16 or a fancy ring when I was confirmed. I got a roof over my head all these years, and I'm quite happy with that. I'm not asking for a great car or two month vacation to show me that you're proud. I'd just like some words to know that I matter... if not words, then buy me a new guitar. Give me something, anything, to show you care. It's your last chance.
I'm turning twenty one and I might be becoming an adult in more than just the eyes of the law... I'm becoming one in mine, and I wonder if I'm becoming one in theres.
I think about my relationship with my father a lot. I think about a lot of things far too much, but my relationship with him is one of the most thought about things while I'm on my afternoon walks after my fours of Dawson's Creek in the morning. I think about my entire life and I can't think of many good moments with him. I'm not saying that every moment I've been with him was awful or he was molesting me, I'm just saying there aren't many moments that I can remember him being proud of having a son like me or, more importantly, me being proud of having a father like him.
I only have two memories that are good: 1) I was in fourth grade and was really sick. I don't remember what the sickness was, but it was really bad. I had this giant bump underneath my ear. I remember being sick and curling up on my couch and my mother coming up stairs to give me ice cream "claiming" that my father bought it for me. 2) I was in Grade 12 and he and I talked for a long time... actually, he talked and I listened. He basically told me his regret of not moving to California when I was a kid... it is also one of my biggest regrets.
I could sit around here forever and bitch about my parents being bad parents and, you know what, I'd probably be right about everything... they didn't really love me, they didn't push me any direction, they didn't give me much... was it that they never gave enough attention or did they not give enough affection? I can go on and on... but what matters is me now. I've given them a deadline and they don't know it. They, both of my parents, have one last chance to show that they love me... to show that they care. My mind thinks that I'm probably going to be disappointed, but my heart has hope. Maybe they can bypass all the bullshit of this year, my entire life, and do something nice for me out of the blue.
My deadline is my birthday. I don't know how things will change when they let me down... I should say if, but I'm not really expecting much. When I'm let down, I don't know how things will change. I don't think I'll be bitter or angry with them. I've been quite bitter and angry lately, but I think that things will change after that. I'll just be let down and saddened by them. Sometimes, I just think that if they really loved me they would have tried a little harder. My father often brings up, and I apologize for the racism, "If we didn't love you then why do I support you? Not like the white people that kick their kids out." Well, there's more to love them money... it's not like I get much of that either. See, I haven't got much. I wasn't covered with gifts as a child. I didn't get a car when I turned 16 or a fancy ring when I was confirmed. I got a roof over my head all these years, and I'm quite happy with that. I'm not asking for a great car or two month vacation to show me that you're proud. I'd just like some words to know that I matter... if not words, then buy me a new guitar. Give me something, anything, to show you care. It's your last chance.
I'm turning twenty one and I might be becoming an adult in more than just the eyes of the law... I'm becoming one in mine, and I wonder if I'm becoming one in theres.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
MY ROOM MY LIFE
I was about to start my latest novel, but I found this and had to read it. I wrote in grade 9. My teacher loved it and I got a 96%, the highest mark in any of his classes. A certain girl I blogged a bit too often about in version 1.0 actually ripped this thing off and I never asked her about it. That's probably my only regret about her. But aside from that, my teacher read this to all of his grade nine classes. You can guess what kind of reputation this brought to me... plus the fact that I started a rumor that I was gay... and I guess that's why I'm so fucked up. Enjoy my first piece of genius...
I read this now and wonder what my teacher saw in it. Is it good? Now, I don't like it much. He told me that it blew him away... he used those exact words. But now, it just all seems boring and simple. I dunno... depression is greatness to some.
I was about to start my latest novel, but I found this and had to read it. I wrote in grade 9. My teacher loved it and I got a 96%, the highest mark in any of his classes. A certain girl I blogged a bit too often about in version 1.0 actually ripped this thing off and I never asked her about it. That's probably my only regret about her. But aside from that, my teacher read this to all of his grade nine classes. You can guess what kind of reputation this brought to me... plus the fact that I started a rumor that I was gay... and I guess that's why I'm so fucked up. Enjoy my first piece of genius...
As I look around my room, I notice that it is much darker than the rest of my house. The first thing you notice is that almost no light is coming through the window. It is this way because of a large towering gray skyscraper to the right of my home. Looking out the window I see a rusty old park that once was filled with many cute angelic young children, but now it is as bare as a farmer's land in an Arctic Tundra. The inside of the house is just as bare as the outside of the house. The ugly, dirty walls are covered with uglier, dirtier wallpaper. Its colour is a dirty brownish-yellow. All around the room you can see the wallpaper peeling slowly off the walls. Covering some of the cigarette burns in the wall are four posters. One poster of the great poet/singer Jim Morrison. The picture is of him singing "Light my fire" on "The Ed Sullivan Show". Where it was wrong to sing the word 'higher'. Another poster I have is one of Jimi Hendrix burning his guitar at the 1966 Monterey music festival. One of my favourite sights of all time is this of Johnny Rotten in 1979 with his band the Sex Pistols for the last time. His last words there were "Have you ever had the feeling you've been cheated". My favourite poster is of my favourite artist, Kurt Cobain, singing "Don't expect me to lie/ don't expect me to die/ for this". All of these legendary musicians except for Johnny died at the age of 27, all with some relationship with drugs. In the 70's Johnny was the leader of the British Punk rock scene.
The ceiling is the same colour as the walls under the wallpaper. It is a dirty white that looks like rusty water had been sprayed on it and dried. It has many, many cracks because my upstairs neighbors bathroom is right above and they often have plumbing problems. But I like how it looks because there is a crack right through the middle and it looks like a lightning bolt.
The carpet of my room is barely visible because of all the clutter of scattered clothes on the floor. The colour is a worn out blue. The colour is not very good because it has been abused over the years. In the doorway the colour is a purply-orange colour because of many spilled drinks and people stepping on it with dirty shoes.
Near the end of my room is my bed. My bed is much like myself. It is covered by a pretty bedspread with cute little flowers and little woodland creatures, but underneath the covers the actual mattress has many holes. Out of the holes some of the springs and cotton are popping out because people have been using it for years.
My only piece of enjoyment in this beat up old hell hole is a Panasonic portable stereo. Like a person it likes many different things. Sometimes it bellows out "Punk" rock poetry like "I think I'm dumb" and " NOW WE DON'T CARE!". Sometimes it screams out "Heavy Metal" like "Nothing's for free" and "I'm in love with my sadness". Other times it sings beautiful "Pop" song lyrics like "Why the hell are you so sad" and "Looking all around the I see the clutter and the gloom". This radio is my closest friend and is the one thing that keeps me sane.
Beside my bed is the room's only light (Besides the little that comes through the window). It is a small lamp with a very weak light bulb which is covered with a dark tinted lamp shade. It shines like a diamond in a lump of coal.
My closet is very small. It is filled with clothes that aren't even mine. All the clothes are dressy dress clothes. All the clothes belong to my dad who I never see. All the clothes are dark coloured and they just hang there. When I look at them I wonder when the next time I see him will be.
At the other corner of my room is a dresser filled with baby clothes, socks with holes in them and other things I never use anymore. Attached to the dresser is a mirror which I cracked around 7 seven years ago (Maybe my luck will be changing). The dresser top is covered with old school newsletters and some C.D.'s like "Melon Collie and infinite Sadness" and "Nevermind".
After writing this I look around at my posters of Jim, Kurt, Jimi and Johnny, turn off my lamp, turn on the radio and fall asleep to the words of Kurt Cobain singing "All alone is all we are, all alone is all we are, all alone is all we are..."
I read this now and wonder what my teacher saw in it. Is it good? Now, I don't like it much. He told me that it blew him away... he used those exact words. But now, it just all seems boring and simple. I dunno... depression is greatness to some.
Total A-hole
For the first time in my life, I'm going to act like a guy... of course I'll be blogging it which is pretty girly, but none the less...
My girlfriend is hot. She's motherfucking beautiful. I look at her picture and I just cannot think. I cannot make sense of one thing to say. I cannot form a setence or even a word... all that comes out is "Blah" and my jaw falls to the ground and stays there for minutes as my eyes don't blink. How I got such a chick? I don't know... but go damn it, she's beautiful... She's the type of girl that if she were walking down the street and I saw her as I hung out with my buddies they would nudge me with their shoulder say, "Would you?" And I would ask, "Would I what?" And then he would do the "Hit that" action. And in return say, "She is so fine... damn right I would hit that". I would then begin to sing Andrew W.K.'s she is beautiful wearing white jeans and white t-shirt, my nose bloodier than hell.
Well, now that being an a-hole is done for the day, this is what regular old me has to say. Blah blah blah... .
For the first time in my life, I'm going to act like a guy... of course I'll be blogging it which is pretty girly, but none the less...
My girlfriend is hot. She's motherfucking beautiful. I look at her picture and I just cannot think. I cannot make sense of one thing to say. I cannot form a setence or even a word... all that comes out is "Blah" and my jaw falls to the ground and stays there for minutes as my eyes don't blink. How I got such a chick? I don't know... but go damn it, she's beautiful... She's the type of girl that if she were walking down the street and I saw her as I hung out with my buddies they would nudge me with their shoulder say, "Would you?" And I would ask, "Would I what?" And then he would do the "Hit that" action. And in return say, "She is so fine... damn right I would hit that". I would then begin to sing Andrew W.K.'s she is beautiful wearing white jeans and white t-shirt, my nose bloodier than hell.
Well, now that being an a-hole is done for the day, this is what regular old me has to say. Blah blah blah... .
A Poem
I looked in your direction
But you didn't recognize my face
I called you a name
But it wasn't yours
I thought that you would know me
I thought you'd know me by now
Don't you know me by now?
I looked in your direction
But you didn't recognize my face
I called you a name
But it wasn't yours
I thought that you would know me
I thought you'd know me by now
Don't you know me by now?
I Have Nothing
My Thoughts, I Think on:
Life: It feels long, but when it's winding down you'll pray for it again.
Love: It's a really special thing to have.
Friendship: You get lucky if you have people you call friend.
Family: You chose your friends, you don't chose your family.
Music: Pinkerton is still the greatest.
Movies: Next time you make microwave brownies.
TV: Dawson, we hardly knew thee.
My Hair: A bridge
Sars: Conor, don't be scared.
Glasses: My eye sight has gotten worse.
Sleep: It would be better if there were someone with me.
Wrestling: So horrible now.
Bush: Come down is a great song... oh, the president. I hate that guy, he's a wad.
Crush: Buttercup... if I were underage and you weren't a cartoon.
Wonderland: Velma doesn't live there anymore.
Dentist: He scrapes my old fillings out and refills the same holes.
Food: I really want a Cinnabon and a Poutine for my birthday.
Sex: I was sexually active, but now I'm sexually dormant.
Mama Mia: If my dad expects me to see that gay piece of shit with him...
Guitar: You take too much space on my bed.
Shoes: They no longer make my favourite kind of shoes by Roots.
Underwear: I'll be getting new ones for my birthday.
Canada: I don't enjoy it anymore.
Road Trip: Definitely... I'm thinking Six Flags.
Train Ride: As I back pack through Europe starting in Madrid.
Dream: A Pink blog belonging to my love.
Nightmare: Pulling out / losing my hair.
Song: Butterfly - Weezer
Sorry: Everyone
School: No comment.
My Thoughts, I Think on:
Life: It feels long, but when it's winding down you'll pray for it again.
Love: It's a really special thing to have.
Friendship: You get lucky if you have people you call friend.
Family: You chose your friends, you don't chose your family.
Music: Pinkerton is still the greatest.
Movies: Next time you make microwave brownies.
TV: Dawson, we hardly knew thee.
My Hair: A bridge
Sars: Conor, don't be scared.
Glasses: My eye sight has gotten worse.
Sleep: It would be better if there were someone with me.
Wrestling: So horrible now.
Bush: Come down is a great song... oh, the president. I hate that guy, he's a wad.
Crush: Buttercup... if I were underage and you weren't a cartoon.
Wonderland: Velma doesn't live there anymore.
Dentist: He scrapes my old fillings out and refills the same holes.
Food: I really want a Cinnabon and a Poutine for my birthday.
Sex: I was sexually active, but now I'm sexually dormant.
Mama Mia: If my dad expects me to see that gay piece of shit with him...
Guitar: You take too much space on my bed.
Shoes: They no longer make my favourite kind of shoes by Roots.
Underwear: I'll be getting new ones for my birthday.
Canada: I don't enjoy it anymore.
Road Trip: Definitely... I'm thinking Six Flags.
Train Ride: As I back pack through Europe starting in Madrid.
Dream: A Pink blog belonging to my love.
Nightmare: Pulling out / losing my hair.
Song: Butterfly - Weezer
Sorry: Everyone
School: No comment.
Monday, May 05, 2003
I've had a long and odd weekend.
The Bad: I went out with my brother on the weekend hoping to spend time with my cousin on his sixteenth birthday. Unfortunately, no one was home and I had to spend tim with his girlfriend (broad, bitch, Yoko). I just don't like this person. My brother often gets on my case for being immature and making jokes, but every single word that this woman says, she says with a laugh. It's quite annoying. Every word she says is said with laughter. She's just a complete ditz. He hates hanging out with me and our cousins because we're immature, but this girl fills you with intellectual coversation? Are you sure? I really do not think so. I bet you have deep and meaningful conversations about Andrew E.
The Sad: My little cousin, he's apparently really sad and depressed. At school, he wrote a poem that was basically him saying, "Screw the world". It makes me sad because he's just like me at his age. He's like my mini me (only out weighing me by about 30 lbs). When I was his age, I wrote a poem about darkness and sadness and feeling useless in a world where it seems like no one cares. He idolizes me. He's probably the only person out there that I've probably made an impact on. Someone who in a few years when I turn into a bird and fly far, far far away from here, and I comeback to visit he'll tell me about how much he misses me and how much I've impacted his life. And I think I should talk to him. I think I should just tell him that I care. I think I should just try to help him through what he's going through because no one did when I was his age.
The Beautiful: I met my niece. She's beautiful. I looked at her and my cousin and his girlfriend, and I for the first time felt envious of him. He's the richest man I know now. The way he is with her, they seem so in love. Unlike my brother and his bitch or my other cousin and her now husband, they actually seem comfortable with one another and... I dunno... sincere. And as I looked at them sit there together, I just realized what I want in my life. I want that. As I looked their baby sleeping there in the crib, I realized and really understood what someone special out there says when she talks about her baby and how much joy he brings into her life. Actually, I couldn't understand, but I have a better understanding.
My aunt, who is now a Grandmother, asked if I'm ready to be a God-father. Honestly, I would not mind. I'd be honoured.
Friday, May 02, 2003
What'cha Doin'?
So I just watched a movie. It's a movie about misfits that are unique. To them they are normal, but the rest of the world hates them for it. It isn't their fault that they're different. They were born that way. You can't help they are. You're born, raised, and are a certain way for a reason. What that reason is, you have to find out, but you can't help but be a certain way. These people were shunned for being unique. They were pushed away by everyone around them - their peers, their entire town, and even their own father. But in the end, it was their unique abilities that made everyone fall in love with them. Does anyone want to know what this great movie was? Powerpuff Girls.
Was it a great movie? Not really. But at the same time, I went into it with a lot of expectation. Not many things live up to the hype, especially when you create it. But it was good. It was okay. It was a bit too dark for a kids movie, especially a Powerpuff Girls movie. A lot of the elements of the show were missing. See, this seemed like a movie destined to have sequels, but it didn't do very well so we probably won't see any, which sucks. Personally, I didn't think that Spider-Man was all that great. It was fine, but the film just had sequel written all over it. The same goes with this. It's good, but you want to see more. I want more Buttercup.
I think I've crossed a line in homosexuality today.
There's more I'd like to say, but I don't feel like it right now. I'm tired. But I'll give you a glimpse to my uniqueness - I had an emotional breakdown, had a talk with my best-friend, watch wrestling, listened to Pinkerton, and watched Powerpuff Girls: The Movie, all in one day.
So I just watched a movie. It's a movie about misfits that are unique. To them they are normal, but the rest of the world hates them for it. It isn't their fault that they're different. They were born that way. You can't help they are. You're born, raised, and are a certain way for a reason. What that reason is, you have to find out, but you can't help but be a certain way. These people were shunned for being unique. They were pushed away by everyone around them - their peers, their entire town, and even their own father. But in the end, it was their unique abilities that made everyone fall in love with them. Does anyone want to know what this great movie was? Powerpuff Girls.
Was it a great movie? Not really. But at the same time, I went into it with a lot of expectation. Not many things live up to the hype, especially when you create it. But it was good. It was okay. It was a bit too dark for a kids movie, especially a Powerpuff Girls movie. A lot of the elements of the show were missing. See, this seemed like a movie destined to have sequels, but it didn't do very well so we probably won't see any, which sucks. Personally, I didn't think that Spider-Man was all that great. It was fine, but the film just had sequel written all over it. The same goes with this. It's good, but you want to see more. I want more Buttercup.
I think I've crossed a line in homosexuality today.
There's more I'd like to say, but I don't feel like it right now. I'm tired. But I'll give you a glimpse to my uniqueness - I had an emotional breakdown, had a talk with my best-friend, watch wrestling, listened to Pinkerton, and watched Powerpuff Girls: The Movie, all in one day.
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Zero
I'm currently in a rebuilding process. I have to find my Island in the Sun - hip hip. I have to find my cabin amongst the trees. I must figure out why the cagebird sings. I really don't know where to start though. They say that cleanliness is next to Godliness so maybe I should clean my room... but God is empty, just like me.
I'm currently in a rebuilding process. I have to find my Island in the Sun - hip hip. I have to find my cabin amongst the trees. I must figure out why the cagebird sings. I really don't know where to start though. They say that cleanliness is next to Godliness so maybe I should clean my room... but God is empty, just like me.
Butterfly
Yesterday I went outside
With my momma's mason jar
Caught a lovely Butterfly
When I woke up today
And looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in her breast
I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm
But everytime I pin down what I think I want
it slips away - the ghost slips away
I smell you on my hand for days
I can't wash away your scent
if I'm a dog then you're a bitch
I guess you're as real as me
maybe I can live with that
maybe I need fantasy
a life of chasing Butterfly
I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
but I ain't never comin' back
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Yesterday I went outside
With my momma's mason jar
Caught a lovely Butterfly
When I woke up today
And looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away
No more sighing in her breast
I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn't mean to do you harm
But everytime I pin down what I think I want
it slips away - the ghost slips away
I smell you on my hand for days
I can't wash away your scent
if I'm a dog then you're a bitch
I guess you're as real as me
maybe I can live with that
maybe I need fantasy
a life of chasing Butterfly
I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
but I ain't never comin' back
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
