Weezer Day

Listening to Weezer's version of my favourite Green Day song of all time... Worry Rock. It's beautiful. Everything I was expecting in some ways and nothing like it at all in other words. Beautiful. I actually wanted to cover this song in a very similar way... this is just so beautiful so I won't be doing that anytime soon. Oddly, it sounds a lot like Matt Sharp. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:19 PM

  A Picture A Day

I was discussing with my friend earlier the idea of taking a picture of myself everyday. I think I'll do that. Maybe not everyday, but maybe every other day or every few days. So in fifty years at the age of 71 I can watch myself shrink and deteriorate. So once I fix my computer I shall work on this project of mine.  
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:56 AM

  Johnny Depp As Willy Wonka

I'm coming to conclusions about myself and actually realizing somethings that can be done about my self-esteem problem. Flat out, I am not a confident person. I've been told many things growing up: Good basketball player, great writer, "best guitar player in the world"... but overall, it's like those moments of self-confidence have always been mini-seconds that I could never appreciate and absorb into myself. Here's a re-enactment of what I mean.

Boy and teacher are sitting in the music room of a Catholic High school. Boy is in uniform and teacher is wearing all black. The teacher is standing up the by the bulletin board while the student is sitting behind the teacher's desk.

Teacher: So are you auditioning for the talent show?

Boy: I don't have any talent.

Boy plays the guitar version of a rimshot.

That's how I am naturally. I just don't feel self-confident.

Now I shall take you a few years into the future.

Boy plays Blink 182's "Dumpweed".

Girl: Have I ever told you how amazing you are?

Boy (shyly): I guess.

I'm just so unaccustomed to good things being said to me. So I've decided to do something about my lack of self-confidence. I've got these songs I've written and I'm quite proud of. Now, five people out there in this great big world of ours will get copies of these ten songs... this compilation of music that I've decided to call "Golden Ticket".

Run Charlie. Run all the way home.

So five "Golden Ticket"s will be shipped out to five lucky people out there. But the question is "Who?" Who will be the recipients of these CDs that will one day be worth millions (I hope you hear the joking tone in that). Well, one person comes to mind off the bat considering that the songs are more or less about her. Two more people come to mind... and neither are named Melanie. And now two more people come to mind.

So one day you might look in your mailbox and find a "Golden Ticket" and be invited to the Anti-social Chocolate Factory - Manic Depressive M & M's, Prozack Snickers "They're packed with Prozack". Who will be the lucky five? Give me a few weeks. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:42 PM

  I Hate This Bridge

I'm sitting here and I decided to look at Mattsharp.net. And I'm reading reviews on his four song EP and reading good things about it... I really like it by the way. So I want to listen to it. I pull the CD off off of my little rack from Ikea, pull it out of my case and into my CD drive. Oh yea, my CD drive doesn't work... what a let down. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:08 PM

  Guilty Pleasures

Everyone has their guilty pleasures in music, those songs so outside of our genre that we cannot explain why we like them so much. I will attempt to name them. Please, share mine with yours.

Christina Aguilera - Come on Over Baby
Backstreet Boys - I Want It That Way
Extreme - More Than Words
Har Mar Superstar - I Admit
Ludacris - Move Bitch
Mandy Moore - I Wanna Be With You
Mr Big - To Be With You
N' Sync - Pop, Bye Bye Bye
Serena Paris - Look At Us
Justin Timberlake - Like I love You, Rock Your Body
Warren G - Regulate
Wave - Think It Over

That is all for now. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 10:26 PM

  Why?

I am in pain. I feel sick. I feel tired. I just don't see the point to anything at all... 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 4:53 PM

  Thinking

I'm gonna do some thinking... I'm going to wake up tomorrow, walk around endlessly, and think... 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:08 AM

  Fill In The Blank

You know those Internet Surveys you get in the mail? Well, I'm taking one:

My name is: Uninportant
My age is: legal
My favourite colour is: Green
My favourite song is: Across The Sea by Weezer
My favourite album is: Pinkterton, also by Weezer
My favourite movie is: Reality Bites
My favourite TV show is: The Simpsons
My favourite family member is: non-exsistent
My favourite person is: 3,000 miles away
My most prized possesion is: my Ibanez electric guitar
My greatest acheivment is: meeting her
My biggest regret is: losing her
My oldest friend is: "This Girl"
My best attribute is: hidden
My biggest secret is: everything you read here
My most embarassing moment is: when I have to do anything with people around
My favourite body part is: a person's hands
My best feature is: my left index finger
My worst feature is: everything else on my body
My happiest moment was: when I kissed her. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:34 PM

  Oops

I wanted to get away from writing and having thoughts and emotions for awhile, but I just can't do that.

The news: The first love of my life is finished. I still love her and she still loves me, but this whole relationship of impossible declarations is off. I can blame her for things, she can blame me for things, but I think as a whole we just both know it can't happen. That sometimes dreams cannot come true. Truth? The truth is I still am in love with her. She is still an amazing person. She is the one I would like to spend my life with. But I just don't know sometimes... Life is too fucking hard.

I have not been myself as of the last few months. Myself? I haven't been anything or anyone. I've just been this emotionless wreck filled with hatred and glimpses of optimism. I haven't had much to say to anyone at all over the last few months. I see people and occasionally I can pull out a good Family Guy or Reality Bites refference, get a laugh or two and things will be okay, but I haven't had anything important to say. Nothing's happening in my life. I sit here and do nothing all day. I go to work. That is my life. But that isn't a life? It's just going through the motions.

Love? I don't think love is in the cards for me. I think I'm finished with it. I think I've had enough of it. If I couldn't keep her happy then there's no chance I could make any impact on any other person's life. I'm just too young. I just haven't found my place in this god damn place yet. I haven't found myself. And maybe before I give myself to someone else I have to be myself. I'm just fucking rambling now.

I don't feel like feeling anything for awhile. I think I want to start drinking and maybe kill myself slowly like Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Maybe I should start acting my age like the other idiots... get drunk at 107, pick up random girls, sleep around so I can brag to people about how many chicks I've banged... I don't know. I'm just not in the mood for feelings. I want to get away and go on a permanent vacation. Leave and live a life with strangers.

A Dreamer has lost hoped... 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 5:49 PM

  Indefinite Hiatus

Nothing left to say. I'm going and I don't know when I'll be back... drop me a line if you'd like. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:39 AM

  A Man For No Seasons

I'm wishing it was cold. Not wintery and snowy, but cold. You know that cold before the winter that's not quite fall. You can see your breath and everything feels wet. I want that right. I want it to be hoodie weather. I find comfort in my hoodie... there's a time and a place for everything, but it's not time for that yet. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 1:58 PM

  Questions With No Answers

Why? 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 10:11 PM

  A Nightmare

I woke up at 8:30 this morning and then went back to sleep because my world does not have an 8:30 AM. I'm starting to wish I hadn't. I had the most frightening nightmare. I dreamt that I was a cashier at a grocery store and some customer kept trying to screw with me. And me being pushover, she somehow made her way behind the counter and started playing with my cash register... it was an odd dream. I woke up, my heart beating faster, my eyes shut (damn allergies), and hoping that my computer would be fixed, Buttercup would be in my arms, and my camera cable would be found (yes, I lost something else [also missing my cell phone]). But alas, everything is still jacked up. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 10:45 AM

  This Is A Call

Okay, so my computer is a piece of crap. Why? Well, this $2300 state of the art laptop is screwing with me. I hate it and it hates me. Yesterday I uninstall some burning software because I hate it. Stomp or something like that... I don't remember it's name. Like most people, I'm a fan of Easy CD creator. So I uninstall that piece of crap and now my DVD drive cannot be found. I'm like "Hello, it's right there. It's been there for the last year." Bullshit... all I have to say is bullshit. So if any of you out there no your shit about computers, please, drop me a line... comment, use the guestbook, call me if you know me personally... thanks. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 10:39 AM

  Things To Buy

Well, it's July 22 and I've got about four weeks to make about $1200 so I'll have enough money for school... does this possible? At the rate I'm going at, not really. Well, I could take money from the Jechos... but I refuse that. Yes, I know, I can take their money and not care and never pay them back, but the fact is, they don't have much money and I really don't want to owe them anything. I don't know... maybe I should just quit school, buy an Ebow and street perform under the Gardiner Express, right on Spadina. Whenever I'm there the homeless just ask for money... if I at least played something then I'd have more appeal.

I don't know... I think I'm going to have to drop a class to get my tuition fees way down. It's just not going to happen this full course load thing. It's just way out of my league, even with Government funding coming my way. I think I'm going to drop my nine credit course and stick with the three classes a year way of life. And even if I did make enough money for the school year then I wouldn't have any pocket money for the rest of year. I need a side business. My brother sells illegal PS2s, so maybe I should sell fake IDs. My cousin and I have thought a lot about this already. It would be a good way to make money and it helps get underaged kids lemon flavoured gin, so we're all winners.

But other than making tuition fees and having pocket money, there are things I really want to get before the end of the year:

1) An Ebow
2) Something to record with (Tascam four track)
3) Pick-up for an electric guitar
4) Undergrads on DVD
5) New Clothes

Yes, you read that right, New Clothes. I'm not a very vain person, but I definitely need new clothes. I sort of miss the days of high school where I wore the same old uniform everyday and didn't have to think about it. But I like wearing my own clothes and would never go back to that way of life. But at the same time, that sure was easier. None the less, I need new clothes. And at the rate I'm going, I won't fit in any of my clothes by the end of summer.

 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:13 PM

  Ebow The Blogger

A few years ago, about two and a half years I think, I bought a violin. I love violins. Personally, I think it's the most beautiful sounding instrument on earth. But for some reason I never taught myself to play. It's so expensive to play violin and hard to maintain. I bought a string for $10 once. Ten Dollars for a String!!! That's outrageous. I just never had the patience to get it all properly set up. I'm actually thinking of selling the thing and getting an Ebow. Yes, just like the REM song. It sounds pretty much like a violin so I should have just got that in the first place. I'd still like to learn violin. I don't think it will be that much of a departure from guitar solos. I picked it up and could play Twinkle Twinkle little star no problem so it's only matter of time before I can play Rentals songs. I don't know... maybe I'll keep it. If I don't learn to play, it will always look cool on my wall. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 2:25 PM

  Insomnia

I can't seem to face up to the facts. I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax. I can't sleep because my bed's on fire. Don't touch me I'm a real live wire.

It's three am (I must be lonely). I can't sleep. I went to bed so early and layed there with nothing to do and nothing to think. I usually think myself to sleep... but not tonight, or last night for a matter of fact. After awhile of just lying there I turned over and grabbed for my guitar (I sleep with it). So I played for awhile... a while after that I went downstairs for a glass of water. Since I was downstairs I decided to watch TV. Dawson's Creek on Global, very nice. Mitch's funeral. I actually hadn't seen that one before. And after that I caught the end of some special on Growing Pains... and after that I started watching "The Goonies". "Hey you guys!" But I can't sleep...

Much like Dawson, I feel numb.

I'm just all out of feelings. I have this odd feeling in me right now actually. Have this feeling like something big is about to happen yet I don't know what it is. I feel like something is going to change my life or change me as a person or someone's gonna die or the world will turn and leave me here...

I don't feel like myself yet I completely feel like myself. I'm a walking condraticion really. I feel like myself in the sense that "lonliness has always been a friend of mine". I'm alone and sad and maybe even depressed or something... who knows? But that's who and how I am. Those things are attributes to me. But I don't feel like myself in the sense that I'm lacking in areas - desires, dreams, ambitions. No, scratch that. I know many things that I want, or at least wouldn't mind having, but I don't how to get there. I've spent my whole life just drifting by and living in convenience. I've lived my entire life within a hundred mile radius and I just get sick of it sometimes. As I watched Amelie a week or so ago, I just remember wanting to go to Europe. I don't know why, but I want to see other parts of the world. The idea of cobblestone roads makes me smile. I'd feel like Dorothy in the land of Oz.

I gotta get away. I gotta get out of here.

I usually walk for about three hours a day when I don't have work. Ya know, exercise I guess. But it gets so boring. I see the same faces, the same places, think the same thoughts... and it gets boring. And it's not the people or the thoughts, it's the routine of it all. I always thought that I would just love to fall in routine, and I still do believe that, but the routines I've come to live are eating away at me. I don't know... it's not as bad as I make it out to be. As always, it comes down to my parents. I realized something today. I haven't look at my father in weeks, maybe months. Probably since my birthday when I made the concious decision to stop caring. I don't have the respect to look at him. I have no respect for him at all... in fact, I hate him. Every night I lie in bed waiting for him to come home, but hoping he doesn't. It's just sad really. This "family" of mine. I've tried... you know I've tried, I tri-e-i-e-ied... to be a good son and I think I have been. Actually, I think I've been a fucking amazing son. I have done everything they've asked of me. I don't do drugs, I don't get drunk, I don't this, that, and the other, and to them I'm just a bad son. And those aren't just my thoughts, but words said to my face. Ah well, too bad. It's too late to salvage anything and I'm not going to try anymore. I give up...

I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad.

What everything comes down to, not just my life, but I think to many people's, you just have to find your piece of happiness. You find that piece of happiness you milk it for all it's worth. You love, nurture, and care for what makes you happy. You don't turn your back on them. You don't condemn them. You don't guilt them. You just love them in any way possible.

As for the things that bring you down? Ideally, you should cut them off. You shouldn't try to talk it over and think about it. You should cut it off. Like if you had a tumor (like in my left arm). You don't try to talk it away a justify it as just a little pain or a little bump. You have to cut that baby off.

This has been a long rant, but I'd like to talk about a cliche I don't understand - "Blood is thicker than water". What does that mean? In the end, water is a choice that you put inside of you, while blood is inside without consent. And once you die, your blood will seep away, but water will remain forever. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 4:01 AM

  Altimont II

Homer: You make me feel like dancing.

Barney: I wanna dance the night away.

Abe: What are you two mellon heads doing?

Homer: It's called rockin' out. Dad, you're just not with it.

Abe: I used to be with it, but then changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me.

Ya know, I used to like being Canadian and living within the Greater Toronto area, but some things really piss me off about people. Toronto is the Sars capitol of North America, without a doubt. And to help us out, The Rolling Stones have decided to throw an intimate people for 500,000 people. So I'm reading the Star, that's Toronto Star, not the rag beside the The Globe and the Enquirer, and I'm reading how people are upset about the concert. People are upset that you can't bring lawn chairs or more than two bottles or water or strollers. This is what happens when a concert is thrown for "The Jechos" of the world.

Firstly, this is a fucking rock concert. Why would you want to bring your kids to a rock concert? Okay, this isn't a day at Ontario place or Wonderland... you don't bring a toddler to hear AC/DC screech through Back In Black. Secondly, why would you bring lawn chairs to a show. 500,000 people = 500,000 lawn chairs... Finally, two bottles of water is a lot. Most concerts won't let you bring any drinks inside for the simple reason that they won't know what might be in the bottles. This is what happens when you cater to an audience that does not understand.

So the Stones are thinking of bailing out... good for them. I hope they do to piss everyone off who's complaining. There are cities all over the world that would love a little help like this. But why did they decide to agree to this concert? Honestly, out of the niceness in their hearts. The Rolling Stones always start their tours in Toronto because they love it here. They don't go to New York, Los Angeles, or London to practice for their "Farewell Tours". They always start with Toronto because they like it here and have always been quite kind to this city. And out of the niceness of their hearts they pause their world tour in Europe, fly to Toronto for one show, and then go back to Europe all because they want to be nice. And in return they get all of this shit from the press.

Personally, I do not like the Rolling Stones. Granted, I'll admit I have a fondness for "Ruby Tuesday" and "As Tears Go By", but as a whole, I dislike them. Mic Jagger and his prancing with his hands on his hips, Keith Richards and his implausible accent (that sounds just like Johnny Depp's In Pirates of the Carribean), Charlie Watts and the weird way he sits... but they're being nice and helping people and all they can do is complain. Fucked up is what that is.

Maybe I should go? AC/DC is pretty kick ass and Sam Roberts does have a really cool... not to mention Justin Timberlake is so fine. But no... no, I cannot. That would just be wrong for I think this whole concert was a mistake to begin with. Why? It's for old people who want to relive/share some sort of youthful experience with their children. So, no, I will not be joing my Jecho and Jecha. For Chrissake, the tickets for this damn thing are being sold at the grocery. Yes, local A&Ps and Dominions... I don't know. Why do I care so much? Really, I don't...

Closing thoughts... Buttercup, I miss you... 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 9:49 PM

  Missing Superhero's Report

Me: I'd like to file a report.

Police Officer: What seems to be the problem?

Me: Buttercup is missing.

Police Officer: Is that your dog?

Me: No, she's a superhero.

I cannot find my Buttercup. Do you have any idea how much this bugs me? She's missing, but she's always in my room. It was an abduction... no, a kidnapping. I know it. Bubbles is still here, but Buttercup. For some odd reason I keep thinking that my parents stole it. Like Amelie took her father's garden Gnome. She is missing and I want her back. I searched hours for her. If this is some joke being played, please, just give her back and there will be no ill will...

Please, light a candle and pray for her safe return. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 10:04 AM

  I Hear Things

So I worked for 12 hours today...

I was on cash and alone for 8 of those 12 hours. During that time, in my mind I could hear all my songs the way I want them to sound. I can hear the background vocals, the leads, the squals and feedback... or am I just insane?

In other work related news... Evanessence. You know that song... their only song that gets played. Well, at my store they'd play "Bring Me To Life" without the guy. It's exactly the same except that guy has completly been removed. Well, CHUM FM has decided to put him back in... weird. It's like all of a sudden the guy is okay for "Adult Work Environment" ears. Whatever...

I heard stories about a girl I went to high school with. World gets smaller everyday.

Finally... the album will be titled "My Everything"... the happy song on my future album. How would I explain this song? Well, imagine "Screaming Infedelities" by Dashboard Confessional mixed with "Landslide" by the Dixie Chicks.

Good night... 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 10:03 PM

  Paper Trail

I've realized that my use of paper has gone down quite significantly since I became a blogger. I don't really have a paper journal anymore. I still have some spiral note books and compositions (I prefer the compositions), but I only use them for writing songs. I never ever sit down with a piece of paper and a jumbo bic anymore and write about my thoughts. All my thought over the last almost two years now have been typed out in legible font opposed to the illegible mess known as my penmenship.

In the past I've been told that I have a pretty good sense of writing. I have humor and sensitivity and sadness and pain and depression and hope... but I always find it funny how people stumble upon my site. My tracker system sees all and see all. And I've been studying the key words and phrases that lead people here. Would you like to know what they are? "Mya's new video / look" "Symptoms for anemia" "Powerpuff alarm clock" "Everyday it's a gettin' closer. Going faster than a rollercoaster," and the weirdest one of all "Bad Smell above my ears". Okay, firstly, why would you look up about the bad smell about your ears? Why does it smell? Didn't your mother tell you to wash behind your ears? Mine never did, but I just have an unfit one. And secondly, why would my site pop up? That's odd...

Last thought, you know how Tori Amos did an album of "Guy" songs on piano, which she basically stole the idea from Emm Gryner? Well, I was thinking of taking girl songs and learning them... as always, I'd like to think of ten. Here are a few for starters:

1) Emm Gryner - Acid
2) Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart
3) That Dog - Long Island
4) Bic Runga - Sway (the song they do it to in American Pie)
5) Kasey Chambers - The Captain
6) Julianna Hatfield - My Darling
7) Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
8) Liz Phair - Rocket Boy
9) The Muffs - What You've Done
10) The Bangels - Eternal Flame

Anyone have any other ideas?

With that said, I must make a complaint about "Women and Songs". Why is Liz Phair being played on the radio? I know, it's good for her career and since she's a mother now she has to put food in her baby's mouth, but, how does some with lyrics such as "I want to be your blowjob queen" make it on to my local adult contemporary radio station, 104.5 CHUM FM. And one last question to all of you out there who might live in my area, does anyone remember what the number one song of 2002 on Edge 102 was?

And with that, Good-night. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:58 PM

  WAKE-UP!

I woke up at 11 and as always when I wake up, I turn it on to TBS Superstation. So I'm watching "The Dawson" as Jay would say, and it was my most hated episode of all time. Jennifer Lindley throws Pinkerton, an autographed copy, into the garbage. Blasphemy.

I made someone a blogger template yesterday. I'm a little jealous because it's better than mine.

I've been thinking about things, thinking about my life, thinking about everything... No new conclusions. My ability to speak is still quite horrible. Is it because my life is so boring that I have not one thing to say? It's weird, at work, time feels normal. It's the first time I can remember time feeling normal. It doesn't seem to move slow, it doesn't fly by, it actually seems to be on pace.

I really think that I should finally run my head into the wall or something for then I could finally feel something...  
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 1:09 PM

  Current Music: Myself

I recorded myself playing what will be gut wrenching equivalent to Pinkerton and as I listen I wonder if it's any good. Sure, I like it, but to quote Robert Cormier's Beyond the Chocolate War, "Everyone likes the smell of their own shit." So... dissect that yourself.

I'm thinking of an album name. I liked "A Piece of Blue", but I can't imagine having a blue album cover. I like my black and red. I can't imagine it being in any other colour than black and red. Other thoughts are "My Everything", "Across the Sea", "However Far Away", "In My Sights", and "Sometimes Charlotte". But "A Piece of Blue" just sticks out as possibly the greatest song I've ever written... think "Say It Ain't So" meets "All Apologies".

 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:54 AM

  Just Can't Get Enough

Love, love, love "She Says it's Alright" by the Rentals... non-stop for weeks.

My favourite line:

"She says it's alright, I don't expect to hear from you, but you're welcome back any time. Unless I find a new friend then this will have to end. We don't need no good-byes. She says it's alright."

 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 3:24 PM

  There's Humble, and Then There's Low Self-Esteem

So I've made an album of songs. Ten songs in the same vein as The Blue Album, Pinkerton, and The Green Album. Other than having ten songs each, those albums had something else in common - no lyrics in the booklet. Well, I just typed all of the lyrics out, even saved the file in "HTML" format, but I weary if I should share. It's weird how I write and write on this page, I share emotions and events in my life, personal events like the lost of my grandmother and the constant struggle I have with my parents, but for some reason I don't know if I can share something like this. These lyrics, these words and music, I have worked on them for years. Two of these songs were written about four years ago. And, for some reason these words are a lot more personal to me than anything I've ever writen. Is it because I put them to song? I don't know, but they just are. Maybe I'm just scared of the taunting and ridicule. I don't know...

When I was in high school, people always wanted to hear music I've written, but I could never share. People thought I was being modest and stuff, but I personally just don't think that I'm any good. I see all my faults. I see predictablity in my music. I see simplicity. I see an effort towards greatness and the let down of missing it. I'm such a drama queen.

I'll probably send them to a few people and see what they think, but a post up here shall not happen... at least not for a long while.

 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:26 PM

  La Resistance

I watched Amelie last night and was very, very happy with it. Firstly, Audrey Tautou is just beautiful. She has a very Audrey Hepburn quality. In fact, if I still kept a "Love Section" on my site, she would probably make her onto it within minutes after watching the movie. Secondly, there was a quote that just stuck out at me - "Times Are Hard For Dreamers". Me having adopted the pseudonym of a dreamer, the words kind of just stuck out.

Watching a movie with subtitles is quite different from your average movie watching experience. It's like I had to pay more attention and focus more, but at the same time I felt like the reading sort of had me drawn away from the images. It's times like this that I wish I paid more attention during Madame Bruno's grade nine French class. Right now, all the french I remember is "Un billet si vous plais... Une billet si vous plais". The word "Merde" is also within my french vocabulary.

I've also been into "Simple Plan". If I start finding the comedic stylings of Jerry Lewis funny any time soon, may god have mercy on my soul.

Something about Amelie just clicked with me like nothing has clicked in my head for a very long time. Maybe since Pinkerton impacted my life last year. There was something about the film that inspired me and had me a buzz. I watched it late at night, finished it at about 2, and didn't fall asleep until well into the wee hours of the morning. I have thoughts inside my head right now that I don't want to share just yet. They're good thoughts. Good and positive and emotional thoughts about people I know. I don't want to share yet though... not until I'm ready. I don't want to be rushed into a decision like this. I don't want to get hurt or embarassed... what am I talking about? I'm just rambling now.

 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 4:08 PM

  DVD

Finally figured out how to make DVDs in extremely good quality. I'm burning off Spinal Tap as I write this. I also have a ripped copy of Amelie which I plan on watching soon. I've been wanting to watch it forever. She's so cute.

It's Alright. She says it's alright. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:46 PM

  Don't Worry, Be Unhappy

I don't if I'm getting the good, the bad, or the ugly...

My life is odd, to say the least. Sorry for not being like the weather network - Constant updates - as of late. I've just been feeling weirder than normal. I've had good and bad. For example, I heard something I had dreamt about and it came true. I've been writing this album for the last little while now... actually, three or four years now... and for a few of the songs I've wanted there to be a female, Petra Hayden-esque vocal harmony thing and it sort of all came together now. On one song I wrote, I hear a therman... A therman? It's that weird low budget sci fi movie sound that the Beach Boys used on Good Vibrations. The album is actually coming together. I'm writing the last song now and I like it. I call it "Sometimes Charlotte" Hopefully, Robert Smith will not sue me.

Yesterday, I jammed with my cousins. It went pretty bad. One of my cousins, he seems really pist. I don't want to get into it, but he's just goofing off all the time and I kind of just wanted to get mad at him. He think he had his heartbroken...

I'm starting to feel a trend in my life... happiness... I really don't think it's possible. You can have glimmers and pieces of it, but I don't think you can ever truly be happy with your life. You take what you can and be grateful for it. At least, I know I'll never be happy... it's just not in my nature. I'm one of those people that will always have something to complain about... especially with Jecho and Jecha... but I can have my pieces... I can have my moments... I can have my places... I can share that "Big Gulp" scene for the billionth time, but I won't get into that right now.

I'm feeling Twangy. Country music is good. Who was that black guy who was a big country artist in the fifties and it was a big deal that he made it on to the Grande Ole' Opry? Perhaps I can become his Asian equivalent.

Finally, I borrowed my cousin's "Seven More Minutes" CD. Very excited about listening to it. Good or bad, I must buy it for the simple fact that "She Says It's Alright" will forever be one of those important songs to me.
 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 9:52 PM

  So Fragile, so unrefined

So I have a "gig" on friday... unless circumstances beyond my control happen. But everything appears to be a go... green lights and no stops. Since we're a fifty percent weezer cover, I've decided to post some audio clips which I have entitled "A Dreamer: Unplugged". Not very clever, I know, but does anyone have a better name? Well, here's a few clips of my fragile and unrefined voice: Butterfly.
 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:44 AM

  Hands Down

I'm really a jumble of emotions that I don't know. Maybe I should just try to forget about them for awhile and just let life lead me by the hand. Let life sing "Put your little hand in mine, there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb."

I just always get in these moods where I don't know what's happening with me. I don't know what's wrong with my life. I don't know anything really. I often go through these fits where I want to set something on fire or ram my head through a glass window or scream at the top of my lungs (yes, a John Mayer quote). Screaming at the top of my lungs? That's what I'm doing on Friday... I bet you can't believe this, but I can oddly sing Territorial Pissings by Nirvana almost perfectly.

Sad news today: I heard Hands Down, an electric version, on the radio... I don't know why, but it kind of ruins the song in some way. It will get that same huge airplay and ruinment (?) of Everlong or Time of you life... I don't know.

And finally... I wrote a song at my cousin's house without a guitar and I forgot how it goes. I hate when I do that. Here are the lyrics:

I was scared and petrified of everything
Scared of all the thoughts that were inside of me
I was just fifteen –
And you heard all my screams
And all I had to offer were my dreams

You were there to share my expectations
There to watch me grow and inspire me
Nineteen ninety seven
You were my obsession
Sharing suicides and our depressions

And I’d give anything to see your face
And from three thousand miles, you talked the pain away
Hey you, you always lent me your ear
And I thank-you

You’re the one I’d always turn to
You’re the one with all my lies
You’re the one that I can talk to
You’re the one inside my life

And so we’re not together
So what if we’re not in love
I’ll take you as my best-friend
And I know that you’re the one

You weren’t scared or petrified of anything
Full of truth and hurt and love and sympathy
And in that one year
You washed me with my tears
You were everything to me except for near

You’ll always have place inside of me
From three thousand miles, and way across the sea
Hey you, I’ll always be here
And I love you

And So what if I get scared
I can’t live my life in fear
But I can’t see you there
But I feel you
 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:25 PM

  Amazin'

The light at the end of the tunnel isn't me...

I'm really tired and bored and fed up and confused. Don't you ever wish the world can just stop while you work through things? But it can't. Work must go on, people go to school, babies are born, people die. But when you feel like your life is a tragedy, can't it all just stop for a few days and let you go through it.

One of my most hated phrases of all time is "Life Goes On"... I just wish it would stop. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 2:28 PM

  Lost and Lazy

I don't think I've ever felt as alone as I do now. Nothing's really changed, but it's like everything has. I feel like I have nothing left to hold onto. I feel like I'm out of dreams. I need to take a step away and find what I need to do with my life because the way I feel right now, I'm out of hope. I am out of hope. Me...

I don't know where I'm going, but I need to take a step away. My life is up in the air and I don't know what exactly is worth catching, and me being a pansy, I probably won't be able to catch what I try to keep. Part of me right now feels just like doing something crazy and so unlike me. I want to runaway or just go missing for awhile. I want to mysteriously get amnesia and forget everything in my life. I'm sick of my life. I not sick of the people in my life (Well, there is someone and her name's not Megan). I'm sick of myself with people. The only person I want to get away from right now is myself... and now insert Before Sunrise monologue. I really should have the screenplay of that movie so I can just cut and paste all of my various quotes when I needed them.

That's part of the problem, isn't it? I think I have to get away from writing on this website... away from the Internet... away from e-mail and MP3 and html and MSN and electric guitars and Much Music and CP24 and Dawson's Creek... I have to take a step away from myself. Maybe I should be like Matt Sharp. Perhaps my name should be replaced on my "FREE MATT SHARP" t-shirt. I'm a prisoner of my own existence. I think about who I am and who I was and why I turned out as crazy and fucked up as I am. And the blame all goes down to my parents... and I use that term lightly.

Parents? If I listed the many things to why they are bad parents, I would run out of webspace, but I can think of one example that rings in my head strongly. When I was younger, I really loved basketball. I loved basketball so much in fact that my teachers and classmates all saw me eventually making it pro one day for the simple fact that I had desire. I was the captain of my basketball team, I averaged 10+ rebounds per game, and people always asked me random NBA trivia and I would always know the answers. Even with all of that talent and desire, nothing ever came of it. Why? My parents. My parents never tried to better me. They never enrolled me into sports or made me learn an instrument or even something so not like me like dance or something. They just sort of put me into the world and had me figure it out for myself.

I remember my first day of school. Neither of my parents really warned me about school. They didn't tell me that I was about to go to school and spend a good chunk of my days there. No, I just showed up at school and was forced to be there. I know there was no way to avoid going to school, but they could have said something or tried to make the whole thing easier for me to get into. I went into school and was really shy and anti-social from the beginning and am still that way today. I fell in love with basketball, but I never shot once in any one of my games out of lack of confidence... out of fear. Fear of what? I don't know. And today, I play music, I write music, and I've been told that I'm pretty good... but the songs stay in my head and in my bedroom.

The other day my mother and I were watching Canadian Idol and she said I should have went and I told her, "I'd go, but I just don't have the support." And she said, "I'd go with you." I don't know why I bring this up, but there's more to support than just driving someone to an audition or whatever. They've just never really cared for me to be a good person. I was raised to be lazy. I was raised infront of the TV. I was raised to be anything but better. They've been putting me down from the day I was born it seems. That might be a stretch, but I can tell you one thing... they've been lying to me from the day I was born. I don't want to get into that now.

All I can think right now is I want to be happy and no one in the world can make me happy except for myself. People can help me in spurts and for short periods of time, but as a whole, for me to be happy, if not happy then content, it all relies on myself. So... I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm going to take a step back. I'm turning off the computer and the TV and my electric guitars and I'm going to try to find my personal cabin amongst the trees. If you want to get a hold of me, just give me a call or write me inspite of years of silence. And if you want to see me and my cousins play a show next friday then definitely give me a call. We do a great cover of Nirvana's "Territorial Pissings"... later. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 10:20 PM

  I'm Not An Adict, Maybe That's a Lie

How Long will I be waiting? Until the end of time? I dont' know why I'm still waiting. I can't make you mine.

Still addicted to that Simple Plan song. Why I quoted that old K's Choice? No clue.

I really need some ecstasy... I mean a Claritin. I need a Claritin for my alergies. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 11:28 AM

  Simple Plan

My cousins and I jokingly played "Addicted" by Simple Plan and lately the words have been sinking in so deep into my mind, into my being, into who I am...

I can try to forget all I want, but I'm addicted. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 8:30 PM

  Changes

I'm Going Through Changes

I feel like everything in my life is changing. I feel like the world has turned and left me here. Everything just feels wrong. Will things get better? I don't know. Will I ever be happy? Probably not. Is there anything out there that I want? I don't feel like answering that.

Everything is up in the air and I don't have time to think about what I want to catch. The world seems so small sometimes, but it's not. The world is big. The world is huge. The world is distant.

My favourite song of all time remains "Across The Sea" by Weezer, and my favourite line in history seems to be ringing true... words and dreams and a million screams oh how I need a hand in mine to feel.

I love her... She loves me... But no one loves us... not one single soul.
 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:49 AM

  Big Brother Is Watching

I have three hits on my site from search engines:

1) Dawson's Creek The End Wallpaper
2) Top Ten Summer Accident Risk Factors
3) Mya "New Video"

I find it funny on how people stumble upon my little corner of the world wide web. I think I'm going to write some stuff that will be funny if people find there way here by typing it: Donkey Sex, Naked Camels, Delta Burke Nude, How To Style your Pubic Hair... I dunno. 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:44 PM

  Listen You...

There is someone in my life that I am getting quite annoyed with. It's just so... annoying. We're not even that close and it's like why is it my ears that have to hear your shit for hours... is it hours? I don't know. It feels like. You have a boyfriend, you have a best-friend, you've got pets... talk to them and not me. I bash myself over the head with the phone during the conversations in hopes of passing out. Conversations? That's a strong word considering I usually say "Uh huh... yea... right."

In other news, I pretty much only listened to two songs today, other than the raping of my ear at work: "She says it's alright" by the Rentals and "An Attempt to tip the scales" by Bright Eyes. Beyond in love with both. As for my ears being raped, five words - "My Heart Will Go On". 
posted by a pessimistic dreamer ¶ 12:16 AM